Monday, September 15, 2008

#$^@&%!

I am so damn mad today. I don't have one specific reason why or anything in particular that set me off...I'm just angry. And anger is not really my emotion of choice. I don't like it, and I'm not usually like this.

But I spent much of my day at work halfway wishing that one of my clients would try to attack me so that I could kick and hit the crap out of them. When I got gas on the way home, I thought, "If someone tried to rob me, I would get to stomp the hell out of them, and it would be okay."

What is that all about??? Weird. I know it is.

Don't worry, I would never actually haul off and hit someone, no matter how good I think it might feel. That's not my style. I bottle it up and pretend all is well instead.

Part of the problem, I think, is that for the past week, I can't cry. I feel profoundly and deeply sad, and all I can do is just feel sad. I'm on the verge of crying my eyes out, but nothing happens. I feel like a huge rock is stuck in my throat, my heart is beating fast, my stomach ties itself into a thousand knots, I feel shaky/panicky/anxious. My thoughts race with all that I am worried and sad about. And no tears, even though I feel like I really, really, need to let them out. Is my medicine doing this to me or something??? I truly don't know.

I'm so mad that Brooklyn's doctors can't figure out what is wrong with her. I'm so angry that she has to be in pain. What could she have possibly done in her 6 short months of life to deserve to hurt so much? She screamed for over an hour tonight, horribly sad, painful, gut-wrenching screams. When she's like that, her face is so sad, it breaks my heart wide open. She makes these pitiful "ooohh ooohh ooohh" noises when she calms down a bit from the screaming, and she's still crying, and the noises just sound to me like "Help me, mama, please, help me" and I CAN'T. I do everything I know to do and nothing works. She's in pain...I know she is...you can't hear these cries and believe otherwise...she's arching her back and those screams just aren't normal. She hasn't been able to eat well since last night...lots of gagging and screaming at the bottle. I just want to crumple up into a ball and sob with her as I rock her, because I'm so damn sorry I can't fix it. It feels like a knife is being twisted into my heart. But of course, I can't cry with her because I can't cry.

I'm angry that we have to wait so long to even take the next step to try to find out what the problem is. I'm pissed that this many pediatric specialists are having this hard of a time figuring her out. Is it seriously that hard??? I'm angry that I keep having to put her through all these tests. Are we even doing the right thing? I don't really know.

Then I am mad about our financial situation, how Dave got demoted at the worst possible time. I'm trying to figure out how we are going to afford everything. We got an unexpected phone bill for $368 from our old phone company today. That's going to be half of Dave's check. It's so stupid. How are we going to afford that??? I don't think the bill is correct. I called customer service and griped at the lady on the phone. I hoped she would get rude with me so that I could yell at her, but no such luck. She put me on hold for 20 minutes and I just gave up.

I'm pissed off that my place of work won't help us out by letting me use the sick leave pool to take care of Brooklyn. That the HR woman repeatedly shows how little she cares by refusing to lift a finger to call me back and tell me that she doesn't really intend to try to help me. I'm mad that I don't have the money to be able to afford to take time off without pay to take care of my little baby bear.

She is so, so wonderful. After I got home from work today, she grabbed both of my cheeks and pulled my face against hers. So incredibly sweet. I'm angry that I can't enjoy this more because I am constantly so sad and scared and upset. Why can't I just be happier? I'm so grateful and so blessed and have everything to be happy about. What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously, who does things like this???

On top of everything, I get pissed at myself for being mad. And I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. There are so many people that have it so much worse than we do. I know that. Parents whose babies are much sicker than Brooklyn, who have something wrong with them that can't be cured, who are terminally ill. I know that there are mommies who have lost their babies and I can't even imagine their pain. I don't have things nearly as bad as those people. Thinking of their situations makes me feel so guilty every time I talk to anyone about Brooklyn's medical issues. I feel like I don't have the right to even say anything that might make it seem that I am not so, so thankful for all we have. I know things could be so much worse. Trust me, I do. So I feel like a whiny, complaining little brat when I tell people what's going on...even the super short synopsis. I really hope that others don't see me that way, but I'm afraid that they might.

I just want to scream so bad...but I can't. I'm holding my baby and she is finally sleeping. And I feel a little bit better after venting here. Thanks for listening.

9 comments:

Liz said...

Ah, the wonder that is blogging! I love having a place to vent, scream, cry, pray...whatever. It is the most therapeutic thing for me! I'm glad you've got the freedom to do that here!!

baby~amore' said...

It's your blog - vent away.
Hugs to you I can't imagine how frustrated you feel about your work situations too - how can people be so hard and callous in times like this.
Brooklyn is so darn sweet - it makes staying strong easier.

And Baby Makes Three said...

I feel the same way lately...what did our little Angels do to deserve this pain? It's not fair...just know that you're not alone, your post was like a mirror to what is going on in MY head right now...I just don't have the words to explain it. ((HUGS)) to you and little Brooklyn...we feel your pain...

Hope said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It has been a horrible year for so many people. I wish I could help you and your family, but I can't even help mine. ((Hugs))!!

edie & ella said...

You can vent here anytime..I am a big fan of screaming to let it all out!!! Not particularly at someone but just letting it out. What a stinking time....it will be nice when someone comes along that can figure out what is wrong with Brooklyn.......hang in there you are a fabulous mother and it shows through that little beauty queen!!! sam

L.G. Reeves said...

I have the same feelings at time. I want to just choke the crud out of someone. Any one. I sometimes look for volunteers to allow me to kick them right in the junk...

on the fone bill, if it is your old company and not your current company....lay it aside, get to it when you get to it.

Anth said...

I'm sorry. Venting is perfectly acceptable in the blogosphere!

And btw, just because others have it worse, doesn't mean your situation isn't crap. You don't have to feel guilty for being mad and sad.

Beth & Steven said...

I also have days like this... holding A, especially when he's asleep, helps to calm me down... feeling his little heart beat, hearing and feeling his warm little breaths, etc. Just "breathing him in". .

It is so obvious that you are doing everything possible to help sweet Brooklyn. I think of you often and hope that the Drs can figure out what's going on so she isn't in pain anymore. Just take it day by day. Sending you and Brooklyn some virtual Hugs...

Kate said...

I would be mad, too. Is there any way you can go over HR lady's head? I just find it so hard to believe that you aren't eligible for the sick pool.

All photos on this site are copyrighted. Please do not copy, download, or reproduce them without permission.