Friday, May 30, 2008

I feel defeated.

We scrutinized our finances and it looks like I will be going back to work on Monday. I am so upset. I feel like I am failing my daughter. I feel like she deserves better than this. If we made just a little bit more, or health insurance didn't cost quite so much...

But it does.

I hope this is only temporary. But I don't know. I don't see how.

This is what I have anticipated for so long, but it's not what I want for us. And I feel silly for letting myself entertain the idea that I could possibly stay at home with her and have what I want.

My husband has changed his tune to, "You have to work full time. That's just the way it is for us. I mean, if you want to keep the house and the dogs and all." I want to scream at him for making me believe that I had a choice. Instead, I just cry.

I should have gone for a different degree in college, one that would have helped me earn more money. I should have gotten a different job. I should have saved more money.

But I didn't. So I will go back to my hellhole job on June 2. And leave my poor tiny baby. I keep telling her how sorry I am tonight. I have let us both down.

I'm sad.

17 comments:

baby~amore' said...

You love her and that is enough for her... you can't let her down yet.In all of this you have first considered her and the reasons are logical and practical not selfish for returning to work.

I feel for your situation and your disappointment. Fingers crossed it is temporary.

Deb said...

Oh honey it is sad and hard. It will get ever so much easier in time - no not right away. That sux for you and I dont know if you play the lottery but if you do - I hope you should win this weekend and never have to leave little B's side.
Try to enjoy the weekend as much as you possibly can.

Sorry :((

Fertilized said...

amanda i am so sorry that you are dealing with tis and sending you hugs!

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. That's such an impossible situation.

With my first, I worked and went to school full-time and I always felt so guilty about it. I comforted myself by reminding me that he wouldn't remember any of it. And he doesn't. It's not a great comfort, for sure, but it helped a little.

Sam said...

I'm so sorry. I hope that you can find some way to make this easier, job share, working part-time, something.

Momma Mary said...

You have NOT let her down. You are feeding her, clothing her, and loving her! That's what she needs.

You love your daughter. Staying home with her would be great (sometimes), but you will get through this. Because your daughter goes to daycare, she will have friends, and know how to behave with other children. She will probably be ready for kindergarten a bit earlier.

You are doing a great job. Keep it up.

tracey said...

Don't be angry at yourself - you did the best you could and made the best choices you could based on the information you had. You're a better Mom for providing for your daughter than constantly stressing over finances and possibly bickering with your husband because you bought name brand wipes instead of Wal Mart brand. I had a hard time going back to work too, but since I like the finer things in life like living indoors, eating, and basic Health Insurance, I too went back to work. Do what you can, and enjoy your daughter when you get home.

Katt said...

I'm so sorry things aren't working out how you had hoped. It is hard to leave them to go back to work. Believe me, I know.

Those first few days will be extremely hard, but it will get easier. My six month old loves his daycare. Loves it so much and has so juch fun the little bugger rarely sleeps while he's there. Knowing he is happy there makes it easier for me. Although I still miss him on the days we are apart.

Mandi said...

I'm sorry, Amanda. :hugs:

Lola said...

It will hurt like hell to leave her, you will be a mess, but in some ways she will be better for it. She will know how to interact with other kids right from the start, which is big, and you will truly want to spend every second with her when you are home. Being home all day, every day can be rough, believe me. Being financially strapped causes major stress for a couple, and that's not a great environment for her either. Don't feel defeated. Be a warrior! You love her, and you will make this work. Oh, yeah, and I hope you win the lottery, too!!!!

Nicky said...

Here from NCLM. Please don't think that you're weak because you're struggling with this decision. EVERY woman, no matter what they decide (or are forced by circumstance) to do, either way, has doubts and panic and guilt. It goes with the territory. I love my job and I DO want to go back to work after my son is born, mainly for non-financial reasons, but it doesn't mean I'm not hunting for options and already feeling guilty about the decision.

Hang in there, and definitely keep exploring other possibilities, if you're truly unhappy with your current job!

Caba said...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I went back to work full time when my twins were 5 months. I cried my eyes out the weekend before, but it has actually been ok for us. I know it's different for every mom, so I can't possibly tell you how to feel, but here's one story where my kids are happy and thriving and LOVING daycare, I'm enjoying my grownup time outside of the house, and we all REALLY appreciate the time we have together as a family. It's hard at first, but you will adjust. Hugs!

(Here for NaComLeavMo!)

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry that you had to make this decision and that you are so disappointed. I hope that things do work out well. Here from NaComLeavMo.

momofonefornow said...

thanks for the comment and I am going to give you some unsolicited advice that my mom always gives me. Woulda, ahoulda, coulda is crap. All that matters is right now. You can't change the past but if you live in it (or even visit it) you miss out on the present.

Kelly said...

Amanda, I don't know what your profession is, but have you considered bringing in money by substitute teaching or finding a part-time venture (something like Gold Canyon Candles, Arbonne - I realize these businesses are not for everyone, but many women love them and earn enough $ to work from home).

It's a tough decision. I work from home and love it that I'm around them even though my mom is their nanny when I'm working. You'll figure out what will work for you and your family. Good luck!

Here from NCLM, twinpeas.com/wordpress

Chris said...

I hope that this can be a temporary situation for you and that you can come to terms with it. I can only imagine how difficult this must be and how huge your disappointment must be. Hugs to you.

edie & ella said...

Thank you for the comments on my blog -- yes my babies are almost the same age -- mine were born on March 13th. I am so sorry about the work thing -- that must suck BUT you are not failing your baby one bit -- she will be just fine and it will probably be harder on you than her..... good luck sam

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