So, I have this sleeping problem.
The problem is that I can't sleep at night if I'm home alone. Not because I'm lonely or insecure or anything like that. I'm scared.
I am terrified that Brooklyn is going to stop breathing. I'm petrified of SIDS. I have to stay awake and make sure she is still breathing. I'm scared to death that just the two of us will be at home and something will happen to her in her sleep. I'm afraid that she will make some kind of noise while suffocating and I won't hear her, or I won't be able to see her in the dark or get to her in time.
I know I would never forgive myself if something happened to her. I have to protect my sweet baby from that horrible monster, SIDS. And sometimes I think that God is going to think I'm not a good enough mom, or think that I'm not grateful enough for her, and take her from me. She's the best part of me, the best thing that ever happened to me. She is more important than anything. I love her so much that it literally hurts sometimes. I couldn't handle losing her. I know I would die. And I have such anxiety about this that I have even had several panic attacks since she was born. I don't know why my mind does this to me.
This fear has intensified since Brooklyn went to the pediatric cardiologist 4 weeks ago. He told me that the type of heart murmur she has (a ventricular septal defect - VSD) can cause too much blood to go to her lungs. "Keep an eye on her breathing, especially when she's sleeping," he said. I became even more afraid after Brooklyn started making this horrible noise with every breath she took last Monday. She had an upper GI done, and it turned out the noise was due to gastroesophageal reflux and tracheomalacia, not an airway obstruction or anything with her lungs. But I am still just so afraid of the worst.
So I sit awake and hold her, so that I can always hear her.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
Then I can let myself breathe.
Most nights, my husband gets home from work by about 2 a.m. On Tuesday nights, he works an extra security job until 6 a.m. Every day, he tells me to try to sleep when Brooklyn sleeps. And every day, he comes home to me sitting on the couch, holding the baby.
I don't know why I can sleep when my husband is home. I don't understand why that changes things for me. How is it any different if he's there, but asleep too? I don't know. I still lay there and worry for a while, I still listen for her little breaths. But I can let it go and drift off to sleep after a while, as long as I'm not alone.
It's okay for now, because I don't have to wake up at any particular time in the morning, except when Brooklyn wants to nurse. But I have to go back to work in 12 days. I don't know how I'm going to function then.