Monday, May 19, 2008

Don't make me go back there

Brooklyn is 10 weeks old today! Hard to believe it's been 10 whole weeks since my sweet little girl decided it was time to make her grand appearance!

On one hand, it seems like it was ages ago because the three of us have been through so much since then. On the other hand, it seems like I couldn't have had her more than a few days ago because time is going by so quickly.

Since time is moving so quickly, that means I have to return to work soon. Two weeks from today, to be exact. I DON'T WANT TO GO.

Before giving birth, I seriously underestimated how hard it would be to leave Brooklyn. She is a part of me. We spend all of our time together. I pretty much never put her down. My husband was telling me the other night that it would be good for me to have a break from her. I don't want a break. This is not to say that everything is blissfully perfect or that it has all been no means is that the case. It's that everything else is so stupid when compared to spending time with her.

I originally took an 8-week maternity leave. Because of Brooklyn's medical issues, I took 4 more weeks. And it's almost up. The thought makes me so sad and it makes me panic.

I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to be there for all of her "firsts." I want us to be as close and bonded as possible. I don't want to pump milk at work, I want to hold her close and nurse her. I want to look at her all day, not pictures of her. I don't want to miss her. So many things.

Maybe if I didn't hate my job, it wouldn't be quite as bad. If I didn't have a job where the "clientele" treated me like crap, regardless of how respectful I am of them. If they didn't act like it was my fault they're in the system in the first place. If I didn't have coworkers who are so miserable and jaded that they have become intent on making every day hell for everyone else. If I didn't work in an office with a broken air conditioner, mold, and something that causes the water I drink there to taste and smell like bug poison. If everyone wasn't so hateful. If I didn't feel like I was wasting my degree, my mind, my professional life.

But that's the way it is. Ever since I came home from having Brooklyn, I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out a way to stay home with her, at least for a year or so. I've been trying to think of a way to do that, or a way to work part-time, or take her to a job with me. A way to make or invent something, or start a business. So far, I've come up with nothing. Time is running out. Any ideas?


Momma Mary said...

Aw... That's too bad. You should really look at your finances if you want to stay home! Consider how much you're going to be spending on daycare, gas, clothing, eating out, etc. Those are all work costs. :( I think we decided I was coming out about $50 ahead when I first thought about it. Totally NOT worth it. :)

Thanks for visiting and commenting over at my page! I'm glad to know I'm not the only G4 widow!

littleangelkisses said...

was Brooklyn a preemie? My son (now 3 1/2) was born at 31 weeks.

Going back to work is hard, HUGS!

Linda (I found you through NaComLeavMo)

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