I have a huge decision to make.
I posted before about not wanting to go back to my job, but I was sure there was no realistic way that I could quit. Well, on Wednesday, my hubby came home from work saying, "Just do it. I want you to quit your job."
You would think I would jump at the opportunity, but now I am even more stressed out. In my mind, quitting was never a real possibility for me...as many times as I said that I wanted to stay at home, it was just wishful thinking. I never thought that it could actually happen.
We looked at our finances, and if I did quit, would make things very, very tight around here. It's no secret that cops aren't exactly paid well! We have some money saved and we would definitely be dipping into those savings. If I leave my job, it would literally cut our household income in half. Dave says he will pick up extra security jobs a couple of nights a week, but that won't even come close to making up the difference.
We aren't discussing me being a SAHM for good...maybe a few more months, or until Brooklyn is a year old, at the longest. I don't like my job, and I would look for another one soon.
I really, really want to do the right thing for my family and especially for Brooklyn. At this point, I truly don't have a clue what the right thing is.
The pros and cons of quitting that I have been thinking about:
1. I get to be at home with Brooklyn! I won't have to worry about missing her or missing out on her first time rolling over, first time crawling, first steps. I won't have to miss 50 hours a week of bonding time with her. When I hold her, when she smiles at me, when I gaze at her, I can't imagine leaving her. I don't want to regret passing this opportunity up...it's a one-time thing, you know? She'll never be a tiny baby again.
2. Hubby would be able to get enough sleep to function at work, and we wouldn't have to worry about me getting enough sleep to be able to work. Brooklyn has reflux and colic and doesn't sleep for more than an hour at night without being held. Because of this, we haven't been able to get our family on any kind of schedule since she was born.
3. Being able to breastfeed exclusively. Brooklyn always nurses for at least an hour at a time...sometimes two hours! She eats really slow, presumably because of her reflux. I would be able to accomodate her if I stayed at home. Breastfeeding has been such a challenge for us, and I don't want to have to give it up after all the work we've put into it.
4. Hopefully I would be less stressed. My job is very high-stress. Ugh.
5. I could look for another job, either a part-time or a full-time job, that I might actually like!
1. $$$$$$! This stresses me out so bad. I really don't want to be taking money out of our savings just to make ends meet. We live comfortably right now...we have no debt, we can buy things that we want (within reason)...it would be a major lifestyle adjustment. I know this will probably sound selfish and materialistic, but I want to be able to buy things for Brooklyn without stressing about whether we can afford it. I want to be able to take her to get nice portraits done, I want to buy her nice clothes, I want her to be spoiled rotten on her first Christmas! I hope that doesn't make me sound like my priorities are completely out of whack, it just really is something I've been dwelling on. I hope that doesn't sound too stupid.
2. I don't want my hubby to think that taking care of Brooklyn is my job and completely my domain. I don't want him to not spend time with her or help out because it's "my job." Not that I think of him in this way, but that's how my parents were and I never thought that was right. My dad never, ever cleaned, cooked, or took care of us. He disciplined us and was around in the evenings. That's about it. I don't want that for Dave and I.
3. I am terrified of not having another job waiting for me. I hate uncertainty!!! What if I can't find another job fast enough? Or at all? What if I had to go work somewhere that didn't use my degree at all? Or that didn't require any degree? Then I would feel like I had wasted my time in college.
4. I would miss some of my coworkers.
5. I am worried about people thinking I am weak, or irresponsible, or lazy, or a quitter, or something along those lines. Something about not having a job, for whatever reason, seems so irresponsible, especially now that I have a child. I don't know why so many women are able to go back to work without it being this hard. It makes me feel like I am not as strong of a person as I should be.
6. I am worried that Dave will resent me if he has to work extra nights because I quit. I am also worried about him not being home enough or being too tired to spend time with Brooklyn and I.
I'm so scared of the unknown. I am so scared of change. I'm so scared of venturing out to a place where I haven't been before, a place where I don't know what to expect, a place where there are no guarantees.
Please help me! I don't know what to do! I seriously don't know what is the best option for us. Is it better for Brooklyn to have me at home with her or for me to be working so that we can continue to live comfortably and be able to afford things for her? Is it worse to be stressed about work or about my lack of a job and our financial problems?
I don't know. I really don't. Any input is appreciated...