Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Useless

I am so frustrated.

I got home from work. I tried to nurse Brooklyn. It only worked for a couple of minutes, and she was pulling off every couple of sucks. She ended up screaming, and Dave made a bottle for me to give her.

I eat dinner, then I go and take a nap, because Dave is working a security job until 6 a.m. I wake up. Brooklyn isn't crying. Dave gives her to me, and she starts crying. I offer her my breast, and she screams inconsolably. She cries. I cry. Dave makes her another bottle and leaves. I just finished giving it to her.

She's asleep. But I'm still crying.

I feel like she doesn't want me. I'm working so hard to continue pumping while working full time and breastfeeding while I'm home. Why? She doesn't even want me. Even her doctors want me to either quit or exclusively pump. I try even harder to make it work. She's sick. She needs the best nutrition that only I can give her. But I can't give it to her if she won't take it. I feel like the most useless person, a ridiculous excuse for a mother.

I will post later about what's been going on with her doctors. We have to take her to Dallas (2 hrs away) to a new pediatric pulmonologist this Thursday. I'm too stressed about this right now.

I don't know what to do....how do I make her eat from me? I know she needs the breastmilk. And why can't I quit crying about this? I just love her so much and I wish I could feel a little of that in return. Is that stupid? Probably.

5 comments:

edie & ella said...

Sweetie you are a GREAT mommy. I am no pro on breastfeeding but from everything that I have read maybe your supply is low and pumping more will help. She could be going through a growth spurt and need more formula. Try not to be so hard on yourself..... you are doing a great job and you can only do the best that you can do. If she gets the breastmilk from a bottle - like the doctors prefer - she will still be getting it. Having the milk is important not what she drinks it from. Good luck sam

Julka said...

You're a wonderful mommy! Please don't beat yourself over this. My older daughter was rejecting me from the day she was born, she just didn't want it, she wanted the bottle. I know that's not an encouraging response, but I just wanted you to know that some babies do that. I really hope she goes back to breastfeeding though, and just know that there is only so much you can do, and you're already doing the best you can. Stay strong, you'll get through this.

Sam said...

Assvice: She's on a boobie strike. It might be due to you being stressed, they can pick up that kind of thing. I would continue to pump and bottle feed her, give her a few days off the boob and try again. Boobie strikes are common, don't take it personally!! You're doing a great job!!!

And Baby Makes Three said...

How frustrating! I know how you feel, Claire refused the breast for the first month she was here, but I continued to pump and bottle feed her, the important thing is that she's getting mommy's good milk. I found that now if I bottle feed her first, then about an hour later try to nurse her, it's a lot better. That way she's not starving and having to work so hard to satisfy herself. Maybe something to try, becuase it sounds like you like the whole idea of breastfeeding as much as I do...there's just something so special about looking down and seeing your little miracle looking up at you. Good luck! Sarah

Cibele said...

I can imagine how frustrated you are, but don’t feel that you are a failure... With me was the opposite, my daughter was crying to be breast fed and I had no milk. She loves you, you are her mommy... maybe something else is going on that is making it difficult for her to nurse. You are doing such an amazing job trying to keep up with breastfeeding. Hugs

All photos on this site are copyrighted. Please do not copy, download, or reproduce them without permission.