I am so frustrated.
I got home from work. I tried to nurse Brooklyn. It only worked for a couple of minutes, and she was pulling off every couple of sucks. She ended up screaming, and Dave made a bottle for me to give her.
I eat dinner, then I go and take a nap, because Dave is working a security job until 6 a.m. I wake up. Brooklyn isn't crying. Dave gives her to me, and she starts crying. I offer her my breast, and she screams inconsolably. She cries. I cry. Dave makes her another bottle and leaves. I just finished giving it to her.
She's asleep. But I'm still crying.
I feel like she doesn't want me. I'm working so hard to continue pumping while working full time and breastfeeding while I'm home. Why? She doesn't even want me. Even her doctors want me to either quit or exclusively pump. I try even harder to make it work. She's sick. She needs the best nutrition that only I can give her. But I can't give it to her if she won't take it. I feel like the most useless person, a ridiculous excuse for a mother.
I will post later about what's been going on with her doctors. We have to take her to Dallas (2 hrs away) to a new pediatric pulmonologist this Thursday. I'm too stressed about this right now.
I don't know what to do....how do I make her eat from me? I know she needs the breastmilk. And why can't I quit crying about this? I just love her so much and I wish I could feel a little of that in return. Is that stupid? Probably.