Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Robot Baby

So I got some exercise 3 days last week....I got to take Brooklyn out on walks since the weather was nice. But tonight, it was raining, so no walks for us. I got all motivated and decided that I would try our mommy and baby workout DVD. Brooklyn was fed, changed, and bathed, so I figured it was a good time to give it a shot.

Okay. So first of all, I really don't think that I like the host lady. Is that really your six-month-old baby? Workout Lady, you are completely spandex-clad and tight and toned. It's probably to give us flabby mommies something to work toward, or to make us think that the video workout is going to morph us into cute little fit and taut mamas. Honestly, it just makes me feel even fatter and grosser than I already did. Workout Lady's baby is younger than mine. And she looks awesome. I look disgusting. Damnit, Workout Lady! How are you so much better than me?

I told myself to get over my inadequacies and just do the damn workout. Workout Lady sat there telling me about the DVD with her baby sitting happily in her lap, munching on his paci and occasionally grinning and cooing sweetly for the camera. Brooklyn did not follow the baby's lead. She screamed when I tried to sit her in my lap like Workout Lady was doing with her baby. Then she started crawling around, pulling on cords, splashing in the dog's water, throwing Daddy's X-box games, eating the remotes, and headbutting her reflection in the entertainment center.

In between chasing my super-active daughter around, I heard Workout Lady say that I needed to watch this little segment that would teach me some of the basic moves that are used throughout the video. I decided to put Brooklyn in her exersaucer for a few minutes so that I could learn the moves before we did our workout together. This did not go over well. Brooklyn did NOT want to be in the exersaucer. She much prefers tearing the house to pieces. At first she was throwing a big fit. Then she decided that she would just make as much noise as she could so that I could not hear Workout Lady guiding me through the moves. I could see Workout Lady's mouth moving, but all I could hear was Brooklyn yelling as long as she could, over and over. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" No tears. Just very loud, non-stop yelling.

Okay, fine, Brooklyn, you win, I thought. Let's just try the workout together and I will try to wing it on these pilates and yoga moves.

The workout begins. Workout Lady starts with some breathing exercises. She tells me to breathe in and out and feel my body relax. Feel the stress leave my body. I actually laughed out loud because at that point, Brooklyn was screaming and thrashing in my arms. I felt anything but relaxed as she pulled my hair and wailed. I did NOT feel the stress leaving my body.

Then I learned that Workout Lady is not the mommy of any ordinary baby. No, she is the proud mother of Robot Baby! Robot Baby loves to work out with his mommy. He is so happy to have her lift him up and down and back and forth and use him as a human weight. Robot Baby has so much fun when his mommy sits him on her thigh while she does "Flamingo Kicks." Robot Baby coos with delight when his mommy lays him on the floor and plays with him while she does yoga stretches over him. I suppose it is only fitting that perfect Workout Lady would have given birth to such a perfect little well-behaved and adaptable Robot Baby.

I do not have a Robot Baby. Brooklyn was very angry at the idea that I would use her as a human weight. She screamed at me even though I kissed her every time I brought her face to face with me. She was very upset when I laid her on the floor and tried to play with her while doing the yoga stretches. She cried and rolled over and cried some more. The only part she liked was when I was holding her against my body. But unfortunately, you can't do much of the workout that way. And that made Brooklyn very, very mad at me. I don't get it. Robot Baby loved it.

So I gave up, 5 minutes into the DVD. I turned the TV off and collapsed on the couch with my ticked off daughter. I am stressed out and frustrated and have not done anything to help get rid of the nasty fat that covers my body. I am angry at myself and annoyed with Brooklyn. And I feel guilty for being so annoyed at Brooklyn. Whatever. Fine. Great. I'll just be a fat disgusting slob for the rest of my life. Why can't I be like Workout Lady? She was so happy and skinny and a great mommy. She didn't get mad at her baby. How did she make him so happy? I suck. I'm fat and I suck.

I don't know if I will torture myself by trying this again tomorrow.

Maybe Robot Baby could have a talk with Brooklyn?

(Oh - on a totally unrelated note...my next post will be post #100! Any ideas?)


Heather said...

Maybe you could try it when she's napping or after she goes to bed. Might be more successful!! :-)

Hope said...

I'm so sorry but this post made me giggle a couple times as I pictured Brooklyn getting into everything. I think your Dr could have been a bit nicer. I know how hard it is to find time for yourself when you have a medically fragile baby. And when you do find some time, working out isn't high on your list! I can name 10 things I'd rather do with my time. Hugs! I also weigh more now that I did at my 6 week PP check-up. 10 pounds more to be exact. I'll get it off this Summer when I can take the kids out and be more active.

And Baby Makes Three said...

To help me lose my baby weight I drink tons of water. I mean, tons. I have a huge mug that I got in the hospital that is 32 oz. I drink 3-4 of those a day. When I was pumping I drank 5-6. Not only does drinking water make you feel full it also speeds up your metabolism and makes your skin look great too. If you're still pumping I would drink one mug at each pump. That way you get 4-5 in that way. Then drink another in between lunch and dinner so you don't snack at your desk or on the run or whatever you do. It will come off, I promise. And if you find out a way to get our babies to act like "Robot Baby" call me...I know all to well the screams from the saucer or pretty much anytime my back is turned to her. Just think, one day they aren't going to want anything to do with us and we'll be blogging about how we get doors slammed in our faces and blown off by texting and i-pods. Oh, what we have to look forward to...

Jennifer said...

I laughed so hard at this post. I can just picture you trying your darndest to have a beautiful, relaxing workout session with a red faced screeching infant slapping your face. Oh thank God we're not alone. YAY for you getting started! That's the most important step. YAY for you acknowledging it's okay to be annoyed at your kid (I feel guilty too). YAY for the water drinking idea. I'm starting that this week. You can do it. One step at a time. Keep your sense of humor, sometimes mine is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Carrie27 said...

Guilty here as well. I'm laughing, not at you but with you. I could so picture my babies being babies when I am trying to do something like working out.

Liz said...

1. Hilarious post. It's so true for all of us. My kids never got into those workout w/ mommy videos when they were little either.

2. Funny story--Samuel is my "up with the chickens" child. When he was about 4, he learned how to go into the living room & turn on the TV & flip through the channels to find the cartoons til we all woke up at a decent hour. One morning, he tip-toed into my bedroom, got right up by my face & whispered "Mommy, what is a gluteus maximus?" (of course he mispronounced it, but I knew what he was trying to say). I told him it was his behind & he bounced off into the living room again. It wasn't til a few minutes later that my brain kicked in & wondered WHY my 4 year old needed to know this info. I got up & snuck down the hall to find him, clad only in his bright purple underwear, working out with Denise Austin. He was doing leg lifts & clenching his "gluteus maximus" along with her. LOL!!!!!!!!!

3. 100th posts are usually 100 facts about you....or your favorite 100 moments from the past year...something like that.

Fertilized said...

good lord i am a horrible frien .. i just realized that you are NOT on my blog list and i am very sad about that! I am going to catch up on your blog!

MrsSpock said...

I tried exercising with my son in the room this weekend, and he was highly ticked off that I was looking at the TV and not him. What I've ended up doing is leaving my house at the crack of dawn to go work out at the company gym. I hate it, but I can't try for #2 until I've lost weight and gotten in better health. Blah.

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