Friday, February 6, 2009

Fatty McFatpants

Yesterday at work, I started having the nosebleed from hell. It was horrible...I have never had anything like it before. I had been having nosebleeds for the past couple of days, but had attributed it to the fact that several buildings right by my workplace had burned down this week and our building was smoky. Anyways, my hubby had already been on my case trying to get me to go to the doctor before the nosebleed from hell, so he really freaked out when that happened. He made me promise to go to the doctor right then. I still didn't really want to, but then I started coughing up blood. Okay, fine. I decided that Dave was right and that it was worth a call to my doctor.

The nurse said that if I would leave work right then, she would make sure I was worked in. So I did.

My doctor's verdict? Sinus infection. She said it is the most common cause of nosebleeds. Now, I have no medical training of any sort, but if I have a sinus infection, shouldn't my sinuses hurt? Shouldn't I be congested? I have nothing of the sort. I really don't think I have one and don't want to take the antibiotics she prescribed. Is that stupid? I don't know. I had another horrible nosebleed when I got up this morning, so my hubby is picking up the medicine.

So. To the point of my "Fatty McFatpants" post. The nosebleeds were not the most upsetting part of my day yesterday. At the doctor's office, I weighed 19 pounds more than I did the last time I came to see her...which was 5 weeks postpartum!!! I weight what I did the week that I gave birth! I weigh more than I ever have in my life! What the hell???!!! Why am I such a disgusting fatass???? How could I have possibly gained all of that in nine and a half months???? And I should weigh less than that now - for heaven's sake, I had just had a baby last time I was there! I am so angry and frustrated with myself. So disgusted. And I just don't get it.

Beating up on myself was not enough though....my doctor wanted to talk about my weight too. She kept saying that is was "very bad" for me to weigh what I do. That I have to get this off because "that's just not Amanda." She asked me about my diet and didn't see any problems there since I eat healthy almost all of the time. I'm sure all the Cokes I drink don't help....but damnit, I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep most days. She said that she thinks my main problem is physical inactivity. I told her about my frustrations with trying to exercise. That it was too hot to get Brooklyn out for walks in the summer and it made her breathing worse. Then we had about two nice weeks and then it was too cold to get her out and we cannot afford for her to get sick. How I can't do an exercise video because if I set Brooklyn down and move a foot away from her, she screams like her world is ending. My doctor's response? "Well, you're just going to have to do it."

Gee, thanks. You're so helpful.

Then she guilted me further by saying that I have to lose weight because she doesn't want Brooklyn to grow up in a house where everyone is overweight. And discussed how bad that is for children.

I KNOW!!!! I am TRYING! I absolutely hate myself for the way I look right now! I am sickened every time I look in the mirror or look down at my gigantic stomach and thighs. I am such a gross, nasty, fat pig. I hate, hate, hate, hate myself for it. But I don't know what to do. Somebody help me.

13 comments:

Tori said...

I feel for you here. I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are. I know exactly those same feelings. Right before I got pregnant I was gaining weight no matter what I did. I never have had much luck losing weight. I've been doing better lately until it started going back up again for no reason.

One thing that has helped me recently is to keep an online food journal everyday. That way I realize exactly what I eat and how much I eat.

As for physical activity, I need more too. We're buying me a little mini elliptical trainer for about $115, or less if we find one for cheaper on craigslist or ebay. Maybe something like that would work for you? Something portable and small, and maybe you could even hold Brooklyn while using it?

Karen said...

I've been doing Weight Watchers online for the last 6 weeks and swear by it. I lost 10 pounds and still have been able to eat "normal" food.

Also, can you substitute another form of caffeine for the pop? Like unsweetened coffee or tea?

Momma Mary said...

I'm sorry. :( I do think your doctor was a bit insensitive about it though.

Emily G. said...

Hey Amanda,
It is such a different feeling to hear someone else be so hard on themselves. I want to send you a post telling you that you are not any of those horrible things and to stop calling yourself those names; but I would be a hypocrite. I verbally abuse myself about my weight all the time. Before Avani (after two kids) I weighed 125 lbs. I went up to 180 with Avani, which was no surprise since I gained that much with the other two. However, after Avani was born all my plans on getting fit again went out the door cause I was worried if Avani would stay alive. Now that she is doing much better I have the time to look at my fat ass in the mirror. I weigh 162 lbs, and i am only 5'4", it sucks. I have spent many hours obsessing and crying over this.
Amanda, we are a different breed of mothers. Our babies demanded more attention from us than the average baby. I guess if the extra pounds is my payoff for keeping Avani alive- then so be it. So the next time you see your doctor you should say "Gees doc, I am sorry I am a little overweight. I've just been too busy keeping Brooklyn alive!"

edie & ella said...

I'll help you...first of all you must FIRE that bitch ass doctor of yours....what a friggin jerk to tell you that she doesn't want Brooklyn to grow up in a house...blah blah blah....I have seen pictures of you that you have posted here and you are in no way HUGE like you and your shedevil doctor think....gosh that pisses me off! Maybe she could take into account the tremendous amount of stress that you have been under with Brooklyn being sick....
give yourself some credit and some slack... you are beautiful!!! sam

Jennifer said...

Oh I hate that we don't live closer but I'm glad you wrote this post. Sad to say that EVERY woman feels this exact same way some days no matter what she looks like, and it's good to get it out sometimes. By the time I got on antidepressants I weighed less than before I was pregnant, now I weigh almost 10 pounds more than before I was pregnant. I feel dumpy, lumpy and gross all over. I've been weaning off the antidepressants and today I think I realized I need to go back on. I'm sorry it just keeps coming at you. (And might I also complain, here in virtual world where no one I know will read this, that my MIL is driving my CRAZY! I just got in town lady, leave me alone with my baby. Quit talking to me when I am clearly engrossed in reading Amanda's blog and trying to write her a comment. SHUT UP. OMG she's still talking. I can't write a blog about this because Kevin will read it. Thanks for listening even though you're having a crap day.) Again, wish we lived closer :)

Beth said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Believe me, I can so relate. I have so much weight to lose that I can't even post it here... really... it's bad. My doctor, who is usually pretty cool, gave me a hard time about it the other week. She actually had me in tears. She also used "the line" about overweight parents, kids, etc. SO not helpful. I think they get pressure from the insurance companies these days... who knows?!? Anyway, I totally feel for you. I try not to beat myself up over my huge weight gain... but it's hard... you may notice there are very few photos of me on Adam's blog!

Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. I'm also hoping that your nosebleeds have stopped. Hoping you have a restful weekend.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm not sure beating yourself up about you weight is going to help anything.

I think your doctor was a bit insensitive about it. If you really want to loose the weight you will have to be proactive about it.

I keep telling myself that I need to exercise but then I make all of these excuses for why I can't. In the end.. they are just excuses.

Brooklyn will not die if you don't hold her for 30 minutes of her morning. She might think she will... but eventually she will realize that I just have to sit here and watch mommy put on a show for 30 minutes and that could be fun too. I tell you what if I was doing an excersise video in my livingroom that would be damn entertaining!!

And Baby Makes Three said...

Oh honey...I've seen a photo or two of you that you've posted...you are NOT fatty McANYTHING!!!! Hell, I'm sure we'd all love to be a size 2 again and have the smooth thighs, flat stomachs, and perky boobs that we once had, but look at the reward. Brooklyn. Simple as that.

Liz said...

First off, you're right. The sinus infection diagnosis does seem odd. I've never heard of a sinus infection causing nosebleeds. I HAVE heard of allergens & dry winter air inside a building with no real heating/cooling system causing them, though! I would suggest putting a humidifier in your office & at home to moisten the air. I bet that would help!

And as far as the fat crap....honey, you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO beautiful. You are not fat in any way, shape or form! I agree w/ Edie. Fire the doc & move onto someone else. She's an idiot. You're like 5'10" & weigh what....130? Dear, you are a twig. Don't worry about it. You've had a very stressful year & no time or energy leftover for exercise & dietting. I, on the other hand, have no excuse to weigh 30 lbs more than the day I delivered my last child nearly EIGHT years ago!

Kate said...

YOu know, you have beenin survival mode lately and your body probably thinks that, too. I'm sure once you can sleep more things will normalize. I had a lot of success with WW online, as well.

MrsSpock said...

I started Weight Watchers Online 4 weeks ago and have lost 6 pounds. I was eating healthy foods too, but when I sat down and logged it every day, the calories were enough to keep me from losing weight. With only working out 2-3 days a week 2 out of the past 4 weeks, I have lost 6 pounds.

Abby said...

Oh I hate reading things like this. It so sucks being a woman trying to loose weight. Especially with a newborn!

I too had the weight issues (still do what woman doesn't honestly) after living in Alaska for 3 years I put on a ton of weight. I joined Jenny Craig and discovered portion control. You might try keeping a food journal to see exactly how many calories you take in in a day. It might surprise you (it did me!) Plus I had to switch to Diet Coke...it's not an easy transition but once you see your jean size go down it is totally worth it!

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