Friday, February 20, 2009

Rejected.

She doesn’t want me anymore.

At least not my milk.

She refused and pushed me away when I tried to nurse her on Wednesday night. I didn’t think much of it, because she just does that every once in a while. But last night, I tried to nurse her three different times. She would not latch on at all. She just pushed my breast away and cried. She was hungry, that wasn’t the problem....she took a bottle, she ate her baby food.

So is our time breastfeeding over? I’m thinking it is. She has never refused me for an entire night. And she usually will at least latch on and nurse for a little bit before she decides she's not into it at that moment.

So last night, I sat in the corner crying while I pumped and Dave fed her baby food. I haven’t had to use that pump at home in months. Rejection. It sucks. I really didn’t think I would take this so hard. It’s probably dangerous to cry as much as I did while hooked to an electric device. But when my baby pushed me away from her with her tiny hand, it felt like my heart shattered. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional jolt. No, Mommy, I don’t need you anymore.

I know that there are things that I have looked forward to, things that I have planned on doing when I am done breastfeeding. But those things are not as important as bonding with my daughter, holding her close while my body nourishes hers. I wish I had soaked it in more. I regret how many times I typed away one-handed on the laptop or watched TV during our nursing sessions. I should have just focused on her and our closeness, because obviously it can be over just like that.

No, I’m not sure how I thought this would happen. I suppose I imagined that the weaning process would be take place over a length of time. A gradual process that I could adjust to. I didn’t think that she would just decide that she didn’t want me anymore and it would just end so abruptly. I wanted her to decide when it would end, but I didn’t think that it would be so soon or so sudden. And I did want to continue breastfeeding until we have safely made it through RSV season....another month or two. She can use all of the help she can get when it comes to avoiding that monster. Another few weeks and we would have made it past her first birthday.

Breastfeeding has never been easy for us. It has been such a struggle for us both from the very beginning. That’s a story for another day. I have worked so hard and pushed through to make it work the best I could because I know that my milk is the best thing for her. She has already had so many challenges with her health....I wanted to give her this.

And I had hoped that this experience would end sweeter than it began.

10 comments:

Momma Mary said...

Try again tonight. Don't be discouraged. A lot of babies do that at times. Nursing strikes are normal, but it doesn't mean she's done for ever!!!

do a google search on nursing strikes, and you'll hopefully find some good information!

And Baby Makes Three said...

Ohhhh, I'm sorry ): Don't think of it like rejection, think of it as "hey mamma, look how big I am...I'd rather eat big girl food and take bottles much faster than nursing...but thanks for all the sweet yummy milk and keeping all those awesome antibodies flowing from me to you...you're the best mamma in the world!" (I used something along these lines to amp me up when Claire was biting me so bad while nursing).

MrsSpock said...

I agree with Momma Mary- nursing strikes happen to everyone and it doesn't mean she's done with you!

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html

http://www.llli.org/FAQ/strike.html

Jennifer W. said...

Oh I'm so sorry! I can just imagine how you are feeling. Avelyn rejected nursing from the very beginning, it never worked. There is no telling how many sobs, wails, tears, heart breaking depression days I spent agonizing over what I "couldn't do". Just look at what a wonderful girl you have created! Sure, Dave did a little along the way, but YOU grew her in your belly. YOU nourished her teeny tiny body. YOU are what makes her world go round. Good job Mama.

Liz said...

I want to echo mommy mary's advice. Keep trying. They go through phases like that. And since you're pumping, she is still going to get your milk...and if need be, you can stretch that through RSV season, right? It is hard to watch our babies grow up, isn't it?

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

It might sound odd but are pregnant ? Period time ? friends of mine and at the Breastfeeding meeting were talking about this.

MY twin pushed me away for months ...till he was 5 months. It was so hard.Now I can't stop him.

The other thing I knew as a paed nurse is to try when they are quite sleepy - it is kind of a reflex then.

Otherwisde can you keep pumping and putting it in a bottle as someone else suggested.

(hugs)

Cibele said...

hugsssssssss

Jonathan and Tara said...

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) and don't give up after one night. Sometimes they just don't want to do it for a day or so, and then get back on track. Either way it is hard :(

tara @ www.twolinesonastick.com

Aunt Becky said...

I remember that feeling vividly. That rejection, no matter how much you loved nursing or not (I hated it often) stings. I'm so sorry.

Kate said...

I cried when Luke wouldn't nurse anymore, but I was still able to pump for three months. It sucks, though :(

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