Sunday, March 15, 2009

Yes, it can get worse

Last Friday night, my parents finally were able to talk to my baby brother a couple of days after he tried to kill himself by intentionally wrecking his car. He was very remorseful about the whole situation and seemed to have come to his senses. He told my mom that he didn't know why he had done what he did. He said that he knew that he needed to grow up. He had talked to a psychiatrist and a chaplain on base and knew he needed to get his life back together. He told my mom that he wasn't thinking about how much his actions hurt people that loved him, and apologized to my mom and dad for everything that had been going on lately. He was going to get his life back on track, he said.

My mom called me and told me about her conversation with my brother. "He sounds really good," she said. "He says he's going to call you tonight after he gets done with his extra duty. He says he knows he has hurt you too, and he wants to apologize. When he calls you, will you please listen to him and just talk to him?" I told her that of course I would talk to him.

I waited, but I never heard from him.

On Wednesday, my mom said that she needed to talk to me about my brother. She said that she had found out something on Tuesday, but didn't want to tell me then because it was Brooklyn's birthday. My little brother had attempted suicide again on Monday night by overdosing on pain pills, muscle relaxants, and psych meds. Apparently he took about 70 pills. Tuesday morning, he did not report for duty. They went into the barracks and found him in his room. His pulse was thready, he was not breathing well, and they could not wake him. They took him to the emergency room, and now he is in a psychiatric hospital at a nearby Army base.

He had left a suicide note. Part of the note said that he loved our parents very much and that he was sorry, but that he did not want to put them through everything that they had already been through with our other brother. That makes me so angry. Probably not the emotion I should feel...but come on...if you don't want them to go through all of that again, then don't do the same damn things that our other brother did! Quit with the drugs, quit hurting yourself and everyone who loves you. How the fuck is killing yourself the answer? How is that going to hurt anyone less? I don't get it. It's so damn selfish, and so stupid, and such a waste, and so sad. There is so much that I want to say to him, yet somehow there is absolutely nothing that I can say.


Carrie27 said...

Wow, Amanda! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Beth said...

I'm so sorry... that's so difficult. Hopefully he'll be treated by some great therapists at the hospital and will start to really feel better. Thinking of you.

MrsSpock said...

How awful!

A tip for the future (I worked mental health for years), when someone who has been depressed sounds way better than you would expect, and suddenly is saying they feel great, it may signal that they have made the decision to commit suicide. They feel like their problems are over, and have this temporary calm before that final storm.

I hope he is discharged with some good contacts for psychiatric care in the community. He sounds like he will need it.

Liz said...

Oh wow. That's a lot for one family to go through in such a short time.

Having been suicidal before, I can tell you that no one & nothing makes logical, rational sense when you reach that point. Reasoning with him right now won't change things, won't effect how he is feeling, etc. For now, just love him through this & try to help him get his feet on solid ground.

You're right to feel the way you do. You can see things from the outside, where you can see all the reasons why he's making stupid choices. Suicide IS incredibly selfish but having been there, at the time your train of thoughts doesn't even register how this decision will affect anyone else. You just want a way out of the pain & agony.

It is tragedy when a person feels so awful that they would consider that to be the best solution. To remove themself from everyone & everything around them. So sad.

Love ya girl. Hang in there.

Cibele said...

Oh no, I am so sorry, so sorry. I hope he gets the help that he needs

PS;: I don’t know what happened, I had already added Brooklyn to the Baby 08 list, so sorry, she is there now , I double checked it.


twondra said...

I found you through L&F. I'm soooo sorry about all you've been through. I'm thinking of you. (((HUGS)))


Jill said...

I remember sitting up many nights on suicide watch for my sister. She never succeeded, thank God, but it was torture. I understand the anger and frustration and guilt you're feeling. I was so angry at my sister for YEARS because of it. Sending lots of hugs. You can email me if you want to talk! Jrenee211 at gmail dot com.

Rachel said...

I am sorry.

Emily said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you & your entire family during this difficult time...

here via lfca

Elizabeth said...

of course you feel angry. it's hard for people who are in such a dark place as your brother to think of how others are feeling. I'm sorry your family is experiencing this pain. I lost a cousin to suicide and nearly lost another family member. It's incredibly difficult. I hope YOU can also get the emotional support you need at this time, but that your brother will also be safe. (here from lfca)

FattyPants said...

Sorry no advice. Just wish I could be of help. It must be such an emotional rollercoaster. I will be praying for your brother that he can find the strength and peace to overcome what is troubling him.

kbreints said...

What a terrible situation... I am sure that you you will go through all of the emotions after something like that... don't feel bad about having any of them!

- I came over from Hamilton Family Circus-

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