I looked back through my sparsely-updated Myspace blog today and found something that I wrote almost exactly a year ago:
I'm scared! The closer I get to the end of this pregnancy, the more aware I am of how it all has to end. I am terrified of giving birth. I'm scared to death of the pain, contractions, episiotomies, pushing the baby out, tearing, all the possible complications for the baby and for me, and all the gory aftermath of childbirth. And it's going to happen SOON. I do not feel at all ready for this. It's supposed to be easier if you relax, but I don't see any possible way for that to happen.
And then...she won't be in my belly anymore. I know she will be here...but how weird, after 9 months. A friend told me this week, "You're going to miss rubbing that belly." I hadn't really thought about how strange that will be until then. I love feeling her move around inside of me, and it will be kind of sad to not have that anymore!
I'll be a mommy then. Will I do okay? Can I love her enough? I see so many messed up people who had messed up childhoods in my line of work. I am terrified that I will do something wrong and ruin her life. I don't know if I am ready or capable. I just want to do everything right.
I love her so much already. It's hard for me to explain how afraid I am of messing up. It's like as long as she stays inside of me, she is safe, she is innocent, and I can protect her from everything. And as badly as I want to meet her and see her and hold her, it makes me feel better to be able to keep her safe for now. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to be afraid of. Such is my nature, I guess. Sigh.
Isn't it amazing how so much changes, yet so much stays the same. You get safely past some of your fears only to have them replaced with new, bigger things to be afraid of.
And some of them stay the same.
It seems so strange to think that this is where I was one year ago. Some days, it seems like yesterday. But when I think of everything we have been through this year and how far we have come, it seems a lifetime ago.