What I am most thankful for...

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a great day. We did :)

As you can see, I have more to be thankful for than I ever could have imagined.

You CANNOT be serious.

What the hell is wrong with my husband? Sometimes I wonder if the irresponsible, inconsiderate person I now share a house and a child with is the same person I married.

Yesterday, he was off work. His mom came over to watch Brooklyn because she doesn’t get to see her very often. Dave told me that he was going to take advantage of the free time he would have and actually get some things done...mow the yard, take one of our dogs to get her shots, get Brooklyn’s prescriptions refilled.

I tried to call him a couple of times during the afternoon and he didn’t answer. He called me back around 4:30 and said that he was with his little brother and best friend and that they were on their way to my office. A few minutes later, they walked in. Dave says to his best friend, "Okay, Joe, show her the pictures." Joe comes over with his cell phone and starts showing me a series of pictures of someone getting a huge tattoo on their entire upper arm. I quickly notice that the person in the picture is wearing the same shirt as my husband. I look over at Dave and see that his sleeve is all bloody. He gives me a big goofy grin. He pulls his sleeve up to show me his new gigantic tattoo. "It’s AWESOME, isn’t it?!"

You have GOT to be kidding me. First of all....he doesn’t even bother telling me that he’s going to do this. I apparently don’t need to know, but his friend and brother and mom do. (His reasoning there: "I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to be able to show you and say, ‘Look what I did!’" SERIOUSLY??? Did you think I was going to jump up and down with excitement???)He has had no tattoos. Neither do I. We were planning on going together to get matching ones of Brooklyn’s newborn footprints after I am done breastfeeding her. Secondly, this thing was expensive. I can think of about 1,000 things we need to pay for more than that. Like, uh, medical bills, a several things that need to be done on our cars, pay off our home phone that was cut off (how white trash is that???), Christmas presents, tons of bills, formula, medicines. I could go on and on. And I would not say this to him because it’s hitting below the belt...but I am not the one who was demoted and got a $9,000.00 pay cut. I won’t say it, but I’m certainly thinking it. How freakin’ irresponsible and selfish. Oh, and by the way, why are you coming to my professional workplace looking like a hobo with bloody clothes???? Embarrassing and GROSS! Again....what the hell is wrong with you???

I don’t care that he got a tattoo. That’s not the issue. I wish he felt like he needed to include me in his plans. I can’t understand how he can justify spending our money this way when we clearly have so many other places it needs to go. I wish he would have thought of someone besides himself. I am PISSED. And he doesn’t care. He thinks it's pretty much the coolest thing he's ever done.

Oh...so he was at the tattoo parlor for four and a half hours. Do you think he got anything else accomplished during the nine hours his mom was taking care of Brooklyn? You know, those things that actually needed to get done? Nope, he didn't do a thing. Nice.

Blah.

I feel like crap. I don't know what's wrong.

I am exhausted. I got sick after dinner last night. I just slept through my lunch hour, which was fine because the idea of eating the lunch I brought completely turned my stomach. I'm five days late. I have no signs that AF is on her way.

My hubby made me take a pregnancy test last night. It was negative. It was the first time I had ever been relieved to have a BFN. And yes, we're using birth control, but you know, nothing is 100% foolproof.

So if it's not that, then what's wrong with me? I feel YUCK.

My first bloggy award :)

So, Trish at My Little Drummer Boys gave me this bloggy award last month and I have been a very bad blogger by not reposting it and passing it along! Trish is such a sweetheart. She always has encouraging words for me. She has a blog full of insightful posts, daily advice, and pics of her darling twins. Thank you for thinking of me, Trish!

The rules of the award are this - fill out the little four-item questionnaire attached to the award, and pass it on to four friends. So here goes:

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
My best friend and I have actually known each other since we were six years old. We weren't really close back then, but we started working together when we were 15 and have been inseperable ever since.

I wish that I had more friends that I have known for that long, but you know how it goes...people grow up and grow apart, people change and people move on, both geographically and emotionally. So most of my other friends I met either in college or after college.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
They accept me, they listen to me, they support me through hard times, and I can trust them enough to show who I really am and how I really feel.

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Yes! I think that is such a wonderful part of friendship. Friends can show you a whole other perspective on a situation in your life.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
I honestly don't care what I am doing when I get to spend time with my friends. Seriously. Going out to dinner, going to a movie, getting a drink, just hanging out at someone's house...to me, it doesn't matter where, it just matters who you are with.

So like I said, I'm supposed to pass this award on to four bloggy friends. This is a toughie because I have made so many wonderful friends in the few months that I have been blogging. I think you are ALL so fabulous and wish that I could hug you all in person :) Your kind words and encouragement are such a blessing to me!

Anyway, I am passing this award on to:

1. Hope at Taking a Deep Breath...Hope is mommy to sweet little Ava, who has laryngomalacia, just like my Brooklyn. She has been such a great source of support and information. I swear she knows more than our doctors sometimes...or at least she just tells me more than they do! I don't know anyone in real life who is dealing with the same things we are and Hope always lets me know that she truly understands what we are going through!

2. Sarah at And Baby Makes Three...Sarah is a total sweetheart and mommy to cutie pie Claire. I think she comments on pretty much every post I make and I always know she is out there reading! From issues with sick babies to in-law troubles, I know she gets me!

3. Sam at E Squared...Sam is mama to Edie and Ella, twin beauties born the same week as Brooklyn. However tired I am, I know she has to be twice as tired, LOL. Her posts are full of pictures of the girls and always bring a smile to my face. She was also one of my first bloggy friends!

4. Jennifer at We're Growing!...Jennifer is the mommy of adorable Avelyn. I'm so glad we found each other's blogs a couple of months ago! She has been such an encouragement and has been through many of the same things I have as a new mommy. Her blog is so funny and honest. I'm hoping we will get to meet for real soon! Yay!

Baby blue

My beautiful little girl! I bought a new camera, and sometimes when Brooklyn is sleeping I play with Photoshop..."play" being the operative word because I have no idea what I'm doing! Anyways...expect more of this. Photography is the only creative or artsy thing I've ever been remotely good at! I'm rusty because I haven't used an SLR since junior college, so we'll see how this goes. I've been told that the model makes the shot, so I definitely have that going for me! :)

I'm sorry, does this make you uncomfortable?

Sometimes I wonder what the right answer is when people ask how Brooklyn is doing. I'm asked this about a dozen or so times a day at work. When I first came back from maternity leave, Brooklyn was having so many problems, and of course we didn't know what was wrong. So people would ask, "How's the baby?" The first few days, I would actually try to explain what was going on with her health. But after getting some blank stares and some odd responses, I quickly shortened my answers to things like, "Well, she's okay. She has an appointment with a specialist next week." Or..."She's all right. We are about to have some tests done to try to figure out what's wrong with her breathing and why she isn't gaining weight." Things like that. But I keep it short and sweet. People still seem uncomfortable with that. If something positive is going on, I tell them that...for example, "Well, she gained some weight!" Or, "No, she's not better yet, but we found out what's wrong, and that's a huge step in the right direction." Or I'll tell them how excited I am about her sitting up or saying "Mama" or reaching some other milestone. If I go that route, they usually ask about her health next, but it seems like they still don't REALLY want to know.

I don't lie to people. I don't just say everything is great or good or fine with us. Honestly, I don't really feel like I should have to. I know that's the acceptable answer...but am I alone in feeling like if people are going to ask, they deserve a real answer? No, I'm not going to go into detail, but why should I have to give you a fake perfect picture of what my life has been lately? When you specifically ask me how my child is, why should I have to lie to you about it? Just because you might not know what to say?

I know we all do it. When we ask people how they're doing, we generally don't want to hear the truth. It's just a formality most of the time, and all we really want to hear is "Fine."

I wonder what it must be like for parents with terminally ill or very, very sick children. I wonder how they handle the everyday questions about how their kids are without making people squirm. Trust me, I know our situation is nothing compared to these. And I think that's what makes me feel kind of guilty about giving people a real answer. Then they might not think that I'm happy enough about being a mother. They might think I'm just feeling sorry for myself, or that I'm not grateful to have my sweet baby bear. What if they think I am fixated on the negative and don't think that I am totally crazy in love with my adorable daughter?

A few months ago, when we still didn't know what was going on with Brooklyn, when we had tons of tests coming up, when I was terrified of what could be wrong, a former coworker came by my floor at work to visit. He had retired about a year prior, but we had occasionally exchanged emails since then. He knew that I had just returned from maternity leave and that Brooklyn had been having some problems. He asked me how things were going with her. I gave him a little bit longer version of our situation, because I felt like he would be understanding. He was a parent and his first grandson was just a bit younger than Brooklyn. I told him about all her medications, breathing treatments, lack of weight gain, the tests she was having to go through. And his response was, "You know, there are a lot of parents that go through much worse. It's not that bad."

You don't think I know that? You don't think that I feel guilty all of the time because I know there are so many parents suffering through so much more? That I don't think I should be happier or less stressed because other mommies lose their babies, or live with the reality that they could lose their babies any day? I KNOW these things. This man made me feel about two inches tall. I felt like I should never tell anyone anything other than "Everything's fine."

Really and truly though...I don't feel like we should have to apologize or feel bad about for things in our lives that are beyond our control. I don't think that we should have to create a false reality, especially when it comes to our children.

Right now, my reality is this: I have a beautiful, sweet, smart-as-a-whip eight-month-old baby girl. She's the most wonderful thing I could have ever imagined having in my life. Unfortunately, she has some health problems right now. She has laryngomalacia, a problem with her arytenoids, severe reflux, and "failure to thrive." She's been through all kinds of tests and procedures and she has several specialists. She takes multiple medications, but they really don't seem to help. I don't know whether she will outgrow this or whether she will have to have surgery. I hate that I can't fix her and that no one else has yet either. And I get stressed out, and I get scared. And if you're going to ask me how my baby is, I'd appreciate it if you would validate my feelings instead of making me feel like a terrible person for telling you the truth. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for us, because Lord knows there are many, many others who you should feel sorry for before us. But please, just don't make me feel worse about a situation that already makes me feel bad. Thank you.

Thoughts, anyone???

Some Friday night cuteness....

Brooklyn is doing really good at sitting up, but she doesn't have it completely perfected! Here she is hamming it up for the camera tonight...until she gets too excited and loses her balance. Tee hee. She is the most adorable tiny little person I've ever seen :)

Oh, she was 13 pounds, 12 ounces at her weight check on Wednesday! That's A WHOLE POUND gained in less than a month!!! Go Baby Bear!!! Our lactation consultant said, "Wow! This is great! Look how close she's getting to hitting that 3rd percentile line!" Okay...so sometimes we celebrate things that other people might not think about. But that's okay! Brooklyn is making her own growth curve and doing things her own way.

Moo.

There's nothing better to start your morning than going to the jail to interview an inmate and having the officer at the front desk ask whether the baby you are currently pregnant with is a boy or a girl. She's not confused with your previous pregnancy, because she just asked to see a picture of your eight-month-old. She laughs when you tell her you aren't expecting, and says again, "Well, you sure looked like you was in a motherly way!"

I knew I was fat, but I really didn't think I looked 5 or 6 months pregnant (at least). I guess I was wrong.

She crushed what little self-confidence I had.

I feel too gross to even be seen in public. I have GOT to lose some weight.

And you know what else? That rude bitch didn't even apologize.

In a holding pattern

I haven't posted in about a week. Really, nothing significant has been going on and I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say. I'd hate to bore y'all.

Brooklyn is eight months old today! That is absolutely crazy to think about...there is no way it has been EIGHT MONTHS since I laid in that delivery room and did the greatest thing I've ever done. No way. Time is moving too fast for me. I'm afraid I won't get to soak in all of her beautiful baby-ness. I don't ever want to forget a single detail. I will write more on this soon.

She is sitting up on her own really well. She can sit for about 5 minutes or so, unless she dives for a toy or gets too excited. Her balance is getting so much better. She has her first tooth coming through. It's on the top...I thought all babies cut their bottom teeth first, but my mom said that my first tooth was on top, and it wasn't even a center tooth. Brooklyn won't hold still long enough for me to look at her little chomper, but I can feel it with my finger and I can definitely feel it scraping me when I nurse her! Ouch.

As far as Brooklyn's health goes, I don't really have any updates there either. We are in a holding pattern. Nothing new, nothing worse, but really no improvements either. I don't think that the switch from Reglan to Bethanechol has changed anything. She doesn't have any appointments with her specialists this month, they will see her in early December. I am not too hopeful that she is going to just spontaneously outgrow her breathing problems, just because I am not seeing any signs of progress. We are just waiting to see what will happen between now and December. It's odd (but nice) to have an entire month in which we don't have to make any trips to Dallas for doctor's appointments.

Tomorrow is a holiday, so I get to be at home with the Baby Bear. Well, not really at home. I'm going to try to go to the eye doctor, see if the dentist has any openings, and I'm planning to take Brooklyn by the lactation consultant's office to have her weighed. It has been a couple of weeks since she has been to the doctor, and I get nervous if I don't know where we stand with our good friend the scale....

Choose well.

Get out there and vote today. It matters. As Americans, we are fortunate enough to live in a country where we have the privilege to choose our leaders, and we should not take that right for granted. Be proud of it. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking that your opinion doesn't count.

I am truly afraid of what may happen to our country if the wrong choice is made. There is so much at stake. But this isn't a political blog, and I'm not here to force my views on anybody or step on anyone's toes. So I will just say that you should educate yourself on the issues and make a wise, informed decision. Think not just about yourself but about our children and their children. What we do now will determine how we will be judged by future generations.

And remember, if you don't vote, you are still making a choice. You are making the decision to forfeit both your right to have your voice heard AND your right to complain about politics for the next four years! If you don't care enough to get out and vote for what you believe in now, you shouldn't care enough to whine about our leaders later.