Doing it on my own: EPIC FAIL.

I have been an extremely bad blogger and reader lately. But I've been bad at a lot of things in my life, and I'm finally going to attempt to explain.

About four months ago, I finished breastfeeding Brooklyn and was able to switch antidepressants. I wanted to get off Lexapro because my doctor had told me that after a year, it caused weight gain. I had suspected that it was already responsible for the weight that had been creeping on and would not go away, no matter what I did. So my doctor had said to call when Brooklyn was weaned, and they would switch me to Wellbutrin, which is better for the weight issue. But when I called, they said I couldn't just switch, I had to wean myself off the Lexapro slowly. I had been taking 20 mg a day. I had to drop back to 10 mg a day for a 2 weeks, then one every other day for 2 weeks, then one every third day for a week. I was supposed to call them for the Wellbutrin prescription when I got down to every third day.

But by the time I got down to that one pill every third day, I decided that I was doing all right. And here's the thing: I was prescribed that medicine for post-partum depression. Can you really say you have post-partum depression anymore when you have a toddler? Hardly. I was a bit more emotional, I cried at more things, both happy and sad. I figured it was just the fact that I didn't have the pills acting as a numbing barrier between me and my life anymore. I decided that I was ready to feel everything again. I stopped taking the Lexapro, and I did not call for the Wellbutrin. I was done.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for feeling like I was all right to turn into feeling miserable. I was sad and unhappy and overly sensitive and angry at everything, I didn't want to go anywhere, I wanted to sleep all of the time, I fought with my husband about ridiculous things that normally wouldn't upset me. I cried countless times every day, again, often about things that weren't even that big of a deal.

Dave didn't get the carseat out of my car before I went to work, so he couldn't go get Brooklyn's prescription like I had asked him to. She was going to miss a dose. It was his off day. Why did he have to be so damn lazy? I was so, so angry. Why should she have to suffer because he doesn't listen to me? Meltdown.

Brooklyn had diarrhea on her Tucker sling an hour before bedtime. I didn't know how I was going to get it clean before she had to go to sleep. Dave was leaving for work. Brooklyn was pulling on my leg screaming and fussing. I stood there bawling.

I don't know. There are probably dozens of these scenarios I'd rather not think about because they just aren't me. Normally. But I let it go on for months. Stubbornness.

I sat at my friend's house and cried and told her about what was going on. "You know what you have to do," she said. "You already told me you're not okay. That's what these medicines are for. You told me that before."

"But how are you ever supposed to know when you can stop? Am I just supposed to be on these pills forever or something? I don't want that. That's ridiculous."

"You tried it without them, it didn't work. You're not ready. You have a lot of stress. You have too much going on. Maybe you can try again in a year or something."

I still did nothing.

On a day when I was at work and had treated my husband particularly badly, I had been ignoring his calls for some time. I finally picked up the phone to talk to him. He told me how frustrated he was with me, but that he knew how bad I had been feeling. "I really think you weren't ready to stop taking your medicine," he said. "You need to call your doctor."

"I'm not same damn psych patient that needs to be monitored on their meds," I snapped back.

"I'm not saying that! You're the only person who thinks that! You're so hypocritical! You work in this job where you tell people they need to get help, where you tell people it's okay to be on these medicines, that they help them, and then you think you're the only person who's above taking them. You won't even tell your own mom about it because you're so damn ashamed of it! I don't get you!"

Here come the tears. "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to take them."

"But I would. If something happened at work or something, and it affected the way things were at home between me and you and Brooklyn, I would do it, and I know you wouldn't judge me for it, right?"

"Hold on." I had to get up and close my office door before the serious waterworks started.

"Okay," I said, "I just don't get it. How can Brooklyn be 18 months old and I still have post-partum depression?"

"Baby. You don't. You just have depression now."

Now I was bawling like a baby. "W-w-w-whyyyyyyy???"

"I don't know why, baby. We just have to deal with it."

"That's not fair. I wasn't like this before."

"I know."

"I hate me. I hate this."

"I know. But Brooklyn loves you, and I love you. And we need you to be happy."

It still took me two weeks to make myself go to the doctor. I did it though. I'm taking Cymbalta now. It's been three weeks, and I'm having a hard time on it. I am starting to feel less depressed, but I'm very, very sick to my stomach and exhausted all of the time. I'm also taking a new medication for my migraines along with it, so I'm not sure if they're working together to make me feel awful. The 14 pounds I've lost is not too shabby though. I'm working through it. This too shall pass, right? Just bear with me, bloggy friends.

So much for doing it all by myself.

One year well visit

Here are Brooklyn's stats for her one year check up:

Weight - 16 pounds, 7.5 ounces (below 3rd percentile)
Length - 27 inches (below 3rd percentile)

However, Dr. A said that he is no longer worried about Brooklyn's growth the way he was last year. He said that she is staying on her own curve, and is gaining weight. So for her, this is okay. This is progress. He wanted to call it 3rd percentile, just to reassure me that Brooklyn is okay, I think, even though she is still about 2 squares below 3rd percentile on the chart. But Dr. A says we are moving in the right direction and that it is good.

Dr. A was VERY happy that Brooklyn is crawling, pulling up, and cruising. He said that about 15-20% of kids with no medical issues aren't doing all of that at her age. He said that at our last visit, he was concerned that Brooklyn might need physical therapy soon because she was lagging pretty far behind in her motor development. But now he is very happy with where she is at. Yay Baby Bear!

He looked in her mouth and said that ALL of her top teeth are about to pop through. I don't know whether this means 4 or 6 teeth....but she is definitely drooly and cranky and chewing on everything! She only has her 2 bottom teeth right now, so that will be a big change! She has a slight "head tilt" - where she always leans her head to one side a bit. This may be due to the head flattening from having to sleep in her car seat for so many months. Dr. A doesn't think it is much of anything to worry about right now, and will reevaluate it in 3 months. She may need some physical therapy to correct it if it doesn't fix itself soon. But no big deal.

We will be slowly adding more table foods as Brooklyn gets more teeth and as she can handle them without choking. She still only gets 1 or 2 baby foods a day and very little table foods. Dr. A is okay with that. We are progressing as she can handle it. She gets more calories from her milk anyway, and that is important for her. Once she can get 2-3 servings of fruits and veggies, 1 meat, and some carbs each day, we can replace her formula with whole milk. She is still breastfeeding about half of the time, and I haven't decided when I will try to wean her or if I will just let her continue until she weans herself. All of those teeth that are about to come in may help me make that decision. Eeek!

Now that we are seeing specialists, Dr. A doesn't really have much to do with or say a lot about the laryngomalacia or the reflux. He basically just defers to Dr. R (the gastroenterologist) and Dr. G2 (the pulmonologist). So he didn't say much of anything about those matters, except to make sure all of Brooklyn's meds were the same (yes), ask when our next appointments were (next week), and ask whether we knew if Brooklyn was going to have to have surgery (we don't know yet.)

Brooklyn had to get 3 shots. Poor Baby Bear. She was already tired and this made her very unhappy. She will have her *LAST* Synagis shot this Friday. I know she will be glad to be done with that. But the shots have served her well....we have stayed clear of RSV this year, thank God!!!

Dr A. said,"This is the first visit where I can say Brooklyn is doing well. I feel comfortable saying that for the first time. I'm very pleased. No 'but's' about it this time. Once she can get her malacia and reflux issues behind her, she'll be great. I want you to walk out of here feeling really good about this visit."

We took his advice! :)

Rejected.

She doesn’t want me anymore.

At least not my milk.

She refused and pushed me away when I tried to nurse her on Wednesday night. I didn’t think much of it, because she just does that every once in a while. But last night, I tried to nurse her three different times. She would not latch on at all. She just pushed my breast away and cried. She was hungry, that wasn’t the problem....she took a bottle, she ate her baby food.

So is our time breastfeeding over? I’m thinking it is. She has never refused me for an entire night. And she usually will at least latch on and nurse for a little bit before she decides she's not into it at that moment.

So last night, I sat in the corner crying while I pumped and Dave fed her baby food. I haven’t had to use that pump at home in months. Rejection. It sucks. I really didn’t think I would take this so hard. It’s probably dangerous to cry as much as I did while hooked to an electric device. But when my baby pushed me away from her with her tiny hand, it felt like my heart shattered. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional jolt. No, Mommy, I don’t need you anymore.

I know that there are things that I have looked forward to, things that I have planned on doing when I am done breastfeeding. But those things are not as important as bonding with my daughter, holding her close while my body nourishes hers. I wish I had soaked it in more. I regret how many times I typed away one-handed on the laptop or watched TV during our nursing sessions. I should have just focused on her and our closeness, because obviously it can be over just like that.

No, I’m not sure how I thought this would happen. I suppose I imagined that the weaning process would be take place over a length of time. A gradual process that I could adjust to. I didn’t think that she would just decide that she didn’t want me anymore and it would just end so abruptly. I wanted her to decide when it would end, but I didn’t think that it would be so soon or so sudden. And I did want to continue breastfeeding until we have safely made it through RSV season....another month or two. She can use all of the help she can get when it comes to avoiding that monster. Another few weeks and we would have made it past her first birthday.

Breastfeeding has never been easy for us. It has been such a struggle for us both from the very beginning. That’s a story for another day. I have worked so hard and pushed through to make it work the best I could because I know that my milk is the best thing for her. She has already had so many challenges with her health....I wanted to give her this.

And I had hoped that this experience would end sweeter than it began.

The List

When Brooklyn is all finished with breastfeeding, I will:

1. Diet. Lose some weight. And I will take some diet pills if I want to! In fact, I will probably take every diet pill I can find (Yes, I'm exaggerating there). I am so grossed out by my fat ass right now. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Hate it.

2. Get my tattoo! I'm so excited about it. I'm going to get Brooklyn's footprints from the day she was born on my back. I don't have any tattoos yet. I have always wanted to get one, but could never think of something that I truly wanted on my body forever. My baby's tiny first prints are perfect. I know that I will never regret that.

3. Get my draaaaank on. Come on, it's been a year and a half :)

4. Shrink back down on top. I HOPE. Not that they were ever small.

5. Take medicine when I don't feel good. It's been quite a while since I could take much of anything besides Tylenol.

6. Say "Adios" to the big old hospital grade pump I've been lugging back and forth from the office every day for the past six months! Along with that...I won't have to schedule pumping time twice a day at work.

7. Be kind of sad. After all, there is only one time in life that you get to bond with your baby in that way. When it's over, you can't go back to it. I've struggled so, so, so hard to make it work for us. It was not this easy, natural thing that just happened for us like I thought it would. And our situation may not be ideal...she is not exclusively breastfed. We have had to supplement with formula from the very beginning because of feeding problems and her weight. But we have worked so hard and pushed through all of the obstacles so that she could have as much of the very best nutrition as she possibly can. There are things I look forward to about weaning her, but I'm not in a hurry for it to happen. It's important for her. It's important for her health. We're on her timing, not mine.

Useless

I am so frustrated.

I got home from work. I tried to nurse Brooklyn. It only worked for a couple of minutes, and she was pulling off every couple of sucks. She ended up screaming, and Dave made a bottle for me to give her.

I eat dinner, then I go and take a nap, because Dave is working a security job until 6 a.m. I wake up. Brooklyn isn't crying. Dave gives her to me, and she starts crying. I offer her my breast, and she screams inconsolably. She cries. I cry. Dave makes her another bottle and leaves. I just finished giving it to her.

She's asleep. But I'm still crying.

I feel like she doesn't want me. I'm working so hard to continue pumping while working full time and breastfeeding while I'm home. Why? She doesn't even want me. Even her doctors want me to either quit or exclusively pump. I try even harder to make it work. She's sick. She needs the best nutrition that only I can give her. But I can't give it to her if she won't take it. I feel like the most useless person, a ridiculous excuse for a mother.

I will post later about what's been going on with her doctors. We have to take her to Dallas (2 hrs away) to a new pediatric pulmonologist this Thursday. I'm too stressed about this right now.

I don't know what to do....how do I make her eat from me? I know she needs the breastmilk. And why can't I quit crying about this? I just love her so much and I wish I could feel a little of that in return. Is that stupid? Probably.

Weight check

So today we returned to the pediatrician, Dr. A., for Brooklyn's weekly weight check. Last week, she weighed 10 pounds, 4.5 ounces. The doctor said that she should be gaining between 4 and 7 ounces per week. Today, she weighed...

10 pounds, 4 ounces. She lost half an ounce.

Damnit.

We had followed the doctor's advice by increasing the amount of powder we put in her formula. Brooklyn is primarily breastfed, but we had such a hard time with it in the beginning that my supply has just never been quite what it should be. She probably gets about 2 bottles of formula per day, and the rest is pumped breastmilk and breastmilk straight from the source. Dr. A. had increased the formula powder so that Brooklyn would get 25 calories per ounce instead of 20. No improvement.

Dr. A. said that he had a discussion with our pedicatric pulmonologist last week in which the pulmonologist said that he wants me to quit breastfeeding. That if I want to give her breastmilk, it should be pumped and given to her in a bottle so that she isn't burning so many calories while actually feeding from the breast. Which is quite time consuming....and would be fine if I were staying at home with her. For the first two months of her life I had to breastfeed Brooklyn, supplement her with formula or pumped milk, then pump. Every two hours. As soon as I was finished with that, it was practically time for the next feeding. I don't see how this is possible to do while I'm working. I'm struggling to make time to pump twice during my work day.

This is really upsetting for me because:
1. I am worried about what could be wrong...I mean, I know the tracheomalacia and reflux make it hard for her to gain weight...but I am worried about what else could be going on...
2. I am failing as a mother because I can't get my baby to gain weight...
3. I have worked too effin hard to make breastfeeding work for us to just give it up...
4. I know that breastmilk is the best thing for Brooklyn, and her health problems make it all the more important for her.

Dr. A. says that I have "a little bit of time"...a week or 2....to decide what I am going to do about the breastfeeding situation.

The treatment plan at this point is as follows:
-We will increase the formula to 30 calories per ounce.
-We will give her at least one more bottle of formula per day (I am thinking this will probably get puked up because of the reflux).
-Dr. A increased her Zantac to 0.8 ml, 3x per day.
-The pulmonologist is supposed to call us tomorrow (yeah, we'll see if that really happens) to move her appointment up. Brooklyn was supposed to see him on July 30. They are supposed to get us in this week. Brooklyn will have the scope (bracheoscopy) done at this next appointment :(
-She will also probably have to have an MRI. She will have to be sedated for this as well. They are looking for "anatomical abnormalities," such as a cardiac vessel that can sometimes wrap around the airway and constrict it).

-We will continue to have weight checks.

Sigh.

This is so frustrating. Why can't something as seemingly simple as a baby gaining weight be any easier? Why can't I just do this right?

My "Tiny One"

That's one of my many nicknames for Brooklyn. And rightfully so.

Yesterday, she had her 4-month check-up with her pediatrician. Dr. A said that she is doing beautifully developmentally. He said that she is actually reaching some developmental milestones early. She is getting longer...she was 23 inches long (25th percentile). That's the good news.

The bad news is that Brooklyn is not gaining weight like she should. She weighed 10 pounds, 4.5 ounces yesterday. This puts her below the 3rd percentile. Dr. A is concerned about her "failure to show adequate weight gain."

The problem, he thinks, is that #1 - she has reflux, so she is spitting up too much of her food, and #2 - her tracheomalacia is causing her to burn too many calories because she has to work so hard to breathe all of the time.

I am frustrated and upset at myself about all of this. I know I didn't have a blog for the first couple months of Brooklyn's life, so I haven't told y'all about all of the weight gain problems we had for her first two months. She was 3 weeks early and weighed 5 pounds, 14 ounces. She had a really bad case of jaundice and a heart murmur. So when you combine those things with being a little early and small...let's just say that feeding was not an easy thing for my little girl. She was sooooo tired and wanted to sleep all of the time. I would try to get her to nurse and she would just fall asleep. She couldn't latch right or stay latched because her muscles in her jaws and tongue weren't finished developing yet. The same thing would happen with bottle feeding. For the first couple of weeks, it was a struggle just to get her to take 10 or 20 cc's of pumped milk, drop by drop, from a syringe, every 2 hours. She dropped down to 5 pounds, 2 ounces. I was so stressed out. I was so worried that she was going to die, or be horribly sick, or readmitted to the hospital, or that the doctors would think that I wasn't feeding my baby and have her taken from me. What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't even feed my own baby! What kind of a mother can't get her child to eat? She was so skinny and it made me so sad and afraid. We were constantly at the lactation consultant's office and at the pediatrician's, having weight checks and changing our strategies on how to get Brooklyn to eat and grow. It took her a month to get back to her birth weight, but slowly and surely, she did it. That's the short version of the story.

All that to say...she has been growing and gaining since then, and I really thought that the weight gain problems were behind us. Yes, we have other medical issues to deal with now, but I thought we were safely past the weight gain struggle.

So now we are back to weekly weight checks at the pedicatrician and weekly visits to the lactation consultant. Dr. A consulted with our pedicatric pulmonologist, and he also wants us to give Brooklyn at least 2 bottles of formula a day in addition to the breastmilk. We have to add extra formula powder to the bottles to add calories, or our lactation consultant can provide us with preemie high-calorie formula to supplement with (again).

My poor little girl. I feel like we are going back to where we started.

Bonded?

Today when I came home from work, I picked Brooklyn up and she started fussing. She was fine until I held her. And that was all I had been wanting to do all day long. It broke my heart.

I am scared that she is going to be closer to her grandmothers and my hubby than me. It shouldn't be that way. It makes me so sad. I just want to be at home with her. I think Mondays are the worst for me at work because I have been glued to her all weekend, and I feel completely lost spending the day without a baby in my arms. Or attached to my boob.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I can do to make Brooklyn happy is nurse her. That's the one thing I can do with her and for her that no one else can. I love to hold her against me and know that I am giving her the best nutrition she could possibly have. I rub her back and stroke her fuzzy hair while she eats. I gaze at her delicate little face, watching all of her expressions, in awe of her rapidly changing features. Sometimes she grasps my finger with her tiny hand, or holds on to my shirt. She feeds for a loooong time, and then lays her head on my breast to sleep. I don't mind how long it takes...I feel so bonded to her then. I love our cuddle time.

So, nursing is good. But sometimes it seems like that's all I've got. If that's the only way I can soothe her, and the best way I have to bond with her, what happens when she's not breastfeeding anymore? I'm scared she won't have any use for me then.