Learning to Breathe

Heal these scars

2011-05-01T01:23:00.009-05:00

Some people have scars that cannot be hidden, ones that mark their bodies in a way that they cannot cover up. Others stare at the mismatched flesh on their faces, their heads, their arms, or their hands, and wonder what tragedy caused them to carry that reminder around forever.

For the rest of us, life deals us whatever set of circumstances that leaves us wounded inside, where no one can see. Every one of us is left scarred in our own way, each to our own extent.

It can be easy to conveniently forget about the pain that caused these injuries, or the fact that you need to deal with them, when they don't stare back at you in the mirror every day. But sometimes, they come screaming back to the surface when you least expect it.

It's not always a bad thing, though.

I'll explain.

Some friends of ours had their first baby on Thursday night. I used my lunch break on Friday to go visit them at the hospital and take them a gift. The new baby was adorable. He slept with a sweet little smirk on his face and just seemed so happy. I was really glad for my friends as the new mom talked about how the baby was barely fussing, was nursing like a champ, was perfectly healthy....

But....there are these other feelings. Like the fact that I wanted to cry in that room, because everything was so relaxed, without everyone worried about things like, "Oh, the baby won't eat, what's going on with this, she doesn't want to eat...." "Nursing just isn't working right now, we're going to have to go ahead and supplement...." "She isn't strong enough for this bottle, you're going to have to feed her from this syringe..." "She has a heart murmur, she's going to need an echo, we can't discharge her until it's been sent up to Dallas to be evaluated by the pediatric cardiologists there...."

It's hard to explain exactly how I was feeling, because I wasn't expecting it at all. Sad, because this baby was only 18 hours old, and their family was already having experiences we were somewhat cheated out of? Or does that make me jealous?

At any rate, it's simple to say that as wonderful and incredible as Brooklyn is, our life with her as a baby has not been what most people would consider normal, although it continues to improve all the time. It was not what I expected or pictured when I imagined having a newborn. I have a million and one beautiful memories. But I have a lot that have also, I guess, scarred me as well.

So, this sweet baby's mom asked me if I wanted to hold him. Of course I did. But I have not held a brand new little one since Brooklyn. I took him in my arms and sat down in the chair by the window and let the sun warm my face. The most peaceful feeling had overcome me, pushing away the stress that I usually cannot rid myself of. The baby boy smirked and smiled and made his tiny baby squeaks as I rocked him back and forth. I just let myself feel....relaxed and calm and happy.

And I started thinking.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Maybe a better experience, a second chance, is what really does.

I feel like time isn't the answer. More than three years since I had delivered my daughter, I was standing there in that recovery room ready to bawl. I felt like I needed to cover my scars like the man who is ashamed of his old wounds that stay exposed for the world to see.

So, for the very first time since having my daughter, I thought that I might be ready to try to have another child. The thought has not so much as crossed my mind in three years; when other people ask me about it, it completely overwhelms me. I can't handle it, I think. But the reason is, my brain has always automatically thought that everything would be just the same as it was the first time for us. We don't know parenthood any other way.

My worries are many.

But I have hope. I have faith that it could be different this time.

And I want to heal these scars.

Leaving my mark

2010-04-06T00:03:00.001-05:00

She is a nearly-blank slate, this beautiful little girl.
She is starting to make a few marks of her own.

But...

someone has to show her how.

So,

by the words I speak,

by the way I say them,

by the way I touch her,

by the way I treat others,

by telling her how proud of her I am,

by telling her what a great job she is doing,

what a beautiful, wonderful, smart, lovely little girl she is,

and that I will love her more than anything, no matter what,

by giving her hugs,

kisses,

attention,

and time,

I will draw on the slate that is my amazing daughter.

I want her to have the pieces that are missing from my own work of art.

I will tell her the things that I wanted to be told so badly.

I know how important these words are to a little girl...

And to a girl who is not so little anymore.

I have to be careful that my lines are drawn perfectly straight,

that my curves are perfectly rounded.

I hold my breath and pray

that I don't make any mistakes.

Because I can't erase any marks I make on this canvas.

There is no room for error with a responsibility of this magnitude.

I want her to love everything about the beautiful painting that she becomes,

and know that every mark I ever made

was with complete and utter love

for everything that she is

and will become.

♥ We Wish You a Merry Christmas! ♥

2009-12-25T23:25:00.006-06:00

Denied.

2009-11-06T16:00:00.006-06:00

I just received a call informing me that Brooklyn has been denied for her Synagis shots for RSV this year.

Apparently, our insurance changed its' criteria this summer and decided that babies with "congenital anomalies" would only be approved for Synagis during their first 12 months of life, regardless of how long those congenital anomalies continue to cause them problems.

I am so upset that I can't quit crying. I am ready to rip my hair out from the frustration. I have been jumping through hoops trying to get my HIGH-RISK daughter an H1N1 vaccination for a month now, with absolutely no success. No one has them. Not here, not Dallas. My only offer has been to give her one with thimerosol (mercury) in it. I think not. We've already had our autism scare and are dealing with delays as it is. I thought for sure when I took Brooklyn to see one of her specialists at Children's Medical that they would have the vaccinations. Nope.

I am absolutely terrified. Every day brings more news stories about the virus, more children dying. Every time a local child has died, the media has made a big deal out of stressing that the child "had a compromised respiratory system." I know why they do it. It's supposed to comfort parents of healthy children, and that's all well and good, but what about us parents of babies and children who do have those "compromised respiratory systems." Thanks for adding to the panic and anxiety and fear we already had.

I'm becoming more and more of a hermit with Brooklyn with each passing week. We don't go to anyone else's house. Birthday parties? I think not. Anything indoors with multiple people, I don't want her there. Stores, malls, restuarants, I am freaked out. I don't want to take her anywhere anymore. I'm just too scared. My anxiety level is ridiculous. Outdoor things seem less threatening to me. We took her to the pumpkin patch two weeks ago, but I didn't want her to touch anything. We went to the zoo on Halloween, and I was alright most of the time, but when we went in the penguin house, where it was warm and humid and crowded and seemed like a germ breeding ground, I wanted Brooklyn out of there as quickly as possible. I make up excuses why I can't go places with my friends. We are quickly becoming prisoners in our own home.

Can someone please give my little girl a break? I just want her protected from all of these horrible things going around.This doesn't seem like too much to ask.

The Synagis coordinator said that she is going to try to get Brooklyn's pulmonologist to appeal the ruling. So all we can do at this point is hope and pray for a positive outcome.

These moments

2009-11-02T12:55:00.004-06:00

I like
the weekend mornings
when it is just she and I.
I wake up to get her from her from her crib and she smiles at me,
offers me her bink and says in her high-pitched little singsongy voice,
"hap-py, hap-py, hap-py, hap-py!"
She stands up, reaches out for me, and I pick her up.
"Good morning, Baby Bear!," I say, "Did you sleep good?"
She answers by giving me sweet baby hugs and kisses.
There could not be a better start to a day.

We head to the kitchen, where I make her a morning bottle.

The two of us go to the couch so that she can have her breakfast.

She still lets me hold her like a newborn baby when she takes her bottle.

We snuggle,

just she and I,

in our pajamas.

She lays her head against my chest,

I rest my cheek on her head,

and we curl up under a blanket together.

I notice that she drinks her bottle slower than she does at other times.

If I move my head the slightest bit,
she snuggles her body closer against mine,

pushing her head underneath the curve of my neck.

She is showing me that she wants to be close to me, too.

She likes our morning cuddle times as much as I do.

I am glad, because these moments seem so few and far between these days.

My baby girl is growing so quickly,

she is so busy,

she has so much to learn,

so much to explore.

She rarely has time to let her mommy hold her close,

no matter how much I crave it.

I cradle her warm, soft body in my arms.

We gaze into each other's eyes.

I stroke her silky soft hair,

I kiss her smooth forehead

and her plush, chubby cheek.

A dozen times,

a hundred times.

I tell her how much I love her

a thousand ways,

a million ways.

That she is my everything,

as if that could describe it fully.

The truth is, I can never find the perfect words

to tell her just how much of a miracle she is.

Then, all too soon,

breakfast is done,

and she reaches up to give me a kiss

before she toddles away

to find her next adventure.

I ♥ Faces: Week 42 - Halloween Dress Up Photo Challenge

2009-10-27T01:04:00.005-05:00

Here is my little ladybug all ready for Halloween!

This was one of the few shots I managed to capture in between the 10,000 times Brooklyn threw her antennae on the ground. LOL. Oh well.

I may be biased, but I think she's the cutest ladybug ever with or without them. :)

Please visit I ♥ Faces to see lots of other little Halloween cuties!

Doing it on my own: EPIC FAIL.

2009-10-21T12:09:00.007-05:00

I have been an extremely bad blogger and reader lately. But I've been bad at a lot of things in my life, and I'm finally going to attempt to explain.

About four months ago, I finished breastfeeding Brooklyn and was able to switch antidepressants. I wanted to get off Lexapro because my doctor had told me that after a year, it caused weight gain. I had suspected that it was already responsible for the weight that had been creeping on and would not go away, no matter what I did. So my doctor had said to call when Brooklyn was weaned, and they would switch me to Wellbutrin, which is better for the weight issue. But when I called, they said I couldn't just switch, I had to wean myself off the Lexapro slowly. I had been taking 20 mg a day. I had to drop back to 10 mg a day for a 2 weeks, then one every other day for 2 weeks, then one every third day for a week. I was supposed to call them for the Wellbutrin prescription when I got down to every third day.

But by the time I got down to that one pill every third day, I decided that I was doing all right. And here's the thing: I was prescribed that medicine for post-partum depression. Can you really say you have post-partum depression anymore when you have a toddler? Hardly. I was a bit more emotional, I cried at more things, both happy and sad. I figured it was just the fact that I didn't have the pills acting as a numbing barrier between me and my life anymore. I decided that I was ready to feel everything again. I stopped taking the Lexapro, and I did not call for the Wellbutrin. I was done.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for feeling like I was all right to turn into feeling miserable. I was sad and unhappy and overly sensitive and angry at everything, I didn't want to go anywhere, I wanted to sleep all of the time, I fought with my husband about ridiculous things that normally wouldn't upset me. I cried countless times every day, again, often about things that weren't even that big of a deal.

Dave didn't get the carseat out of my car before I went to work, so he couldn't go get Brooklyn's prescription like I had asked him to. She was going to miss a dose. It was his off day. Why did he have to be so damn lazy? I was so, so angry. Why should she have to suffer because he doesn't listen to me? Meltdown.

Brooklyn had diarrhea on her Tucker sling an hour before bedtime. I didn't know how I was going to get it clean before she had to go to sleep. Dave was leaving for work. Brooklyn was pulling on my leg screaming and fussing. I stood there bawling.

I don't know. There are probably dozens of these scenarios I'd rather not think about because they just aren't me. Normally. But I let it go on for months. Stubbornness.

I sat at my friend's house and cried and told her about what was going on. "You know what you have to do," she said. "You already told me you're not okay. That's what these medicines are for. You told me that before."

"But how are you ever supposed to know when you can stop? Am I just supposed to be on these pills forever or something? I don't want that. That's ridiculous."

"You tried it without them, it didn't work. You're not ready. You have a lot of stress. You have too much going on. Maybe you can try again in a year or something."

I still did nothing.

On a day when I was at work and had treated my husband particularly badly, I had been ignoring his calls for some time. I finally picked up the phone to talk to him. He told me how frustrated he was with me, but that he knew how bad I had been feeling. "I really think you weren't ready to stop taking your medicine," he said. "You need to call your doctor."

"I'm not same damn psych patient that needs to be monitored on their meds," I snapped back.

"I'm not saying that! You're the only person who thinks that! You're so hypocritical! You work in this job where you tell people they need to get help, where you tell people it's okay to be on these medicines, that they help them, and then you think you're the only person who's above taking them. You won't even tell your own mom about it because you're so damn ashamed of it! I don't get you!"

Here come the tears. "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to take them."

"But I would. If something happened at work or something, and it affected the way things were at home between me and you and Brooklyn, I would do it, and I know you wouldn't judge me for it, right?"

"Hold on." I had to get up and close my office door before the serious waterworks started.

"Okay," I said, "I just don't get it. How can Brooklyn be 18 months old and I still have post-partum depression?"

"Baby. You don't. You just have depression now."

Now I was bawling like a baby. "W-w-w-whyyyyyyy???"

"I don't know why, baby. We just have to deal with it."

"That's not fair. I wasn't like this before."

"I know."

"I hate me. I hate this."

"I know. But Brooklyn loves you, and I love you. And we need you to be happy."

It still took me two weeks to make myself go to the doctor. I did it though. I'm taking Cymbalta now. It's been three weeks, and I'm having a hard time on it. I am starting to feel less depressed, but I'm very, very sick to my stomach and exhausted all of the time. I'm also taking a new medication for my migraines along with it, so I'm not sure if they're working together to make me feel awful. The 14 pounds I've lost is not too shabby though. I'm working through it. This too shall pass, right? Just bear with me, bloggy friends.

So much for doing it all by myself.

September pulmonologist appointment

2009-09-29T12:42:00.003-05:00

It has been nearly 2 weeks since Brooklyn had her appointment with Dr. G2, her pulmonologist, so I am way overdue in writing this post.

Okay. Brooklyn weighed just over 21 pounds and they said she was 30 inches long (but I don't think she shrunk an inch since she saw Dr. A a few days prior!) Her oxygenation was 99%, and the nurse didn't tell me what her respirations were :(.

Dr. G2 was happy that increasing Brooklyn's dosage of Bethanechol has helped her stridor so much. It was literally two and a half to three weeks after our last appointment with him in June, when he increased her dose 0.3 ml, that her stridor pretty much disappeared at night. It was pretty incredible. It caused a lot of anxiety for us at first, because hearing every noisy breath she took at night was our "normal," but we have adjusted and can sleep without hearing it now.

Brooklyn has had a runny nose for about a month now, and Dr. G2 thinks the postnasal drip may be cauing her to cough more thn she used to. So now we have to give her a nasal spray once per day. She hated it at first, and I wasn't surprised. I mean, the girl can't stand when I try to wipe her runny nose. But now she doesn't mind it and even thinks it's funny to sniff really loud a bunch of times after we put the spray in her nose.

Dr. G2's main concern was that Brooklyn's stridor still gets pretty loud with activity. She gets noisy when she is running around and playing and even when she is doing things that aren't particularly exerting or strenuous, like picking up toys or getting her books out of her basket. Her respirations get a lot higher and she gets much noisier any time she is being active. I don't think that her stridor is as loud as it used to be, but it's still there, and she's still obviously struggling.

Brooklyn also coughs and starts choking out of nowhere, even if she hasn't been eating or drinking for a long time. Sometimes we are just riding in the car and she will just start choking, and I have no idea why this is going on, if it is the reflux or if it is something else. She hadn't actually been "spitting up" with the reflux for a while, she had been refluxing and swallowing everything back down. Over the past week, she has started spitting up again. The reason why I explain this in conjunction with her pulmonologist's visit is that all of her doctors have pointed out that everything inside of her throat/airway area is just weak...it's all connected...and there doesn't seem to be a great deal of improvement.

Dr. G2 said that he is concerned that she may be exhibiting some signs of "airway reactivity." I didn't understand what this meant, and all of my Googling didn't really help me either. A nurse friend of mine said that her son has it, and it means that he has asthma-like symptoms and has to have nebulizer treatments and such any time that he has a cold or is sick. So is it basically a chronic respiratory condition? Forever? That's really discouraging to me...I had hoped that once Brooklyn outgrew her laryngomalacia, we would be done with all of this for good. Does anyone know anything about airway reactivity or reactive airway disease? Can y'all help me understand what this is? I know I have a few nurse bloggy friends out there ;).

Anyway, Dr. G2 started Brooklyn on steroid inhaler, Flovent. It says on her report that it will "provide anti-inflammatory control" and "hopefully decrease the noise and work of breathing that she has when she exercises." She has to take two puffs twice per day using this lovely little contraption called the Aerochamber. It's like a tube with an oxygen mask and a one-way valve on one side and a hole for the inhaler to fit in on the other side. They gave Dave and I a "training session" at the doctor's office, and oh my, does Brooklyn ever despise that thing. The training session consisted of me holding Brooklyn's body and head still, Dave holding her arms down, and the nurse holding the Aerochamber on her face while Brooklyn screamed and did her best to flail and twist away from the Evil Torture Device. We had to watch for the valve to go in and out six times. Once it finally did, the nurse removed the mask from Brooklyn's face. I leaned back in the chair and cheered for Brooklyn. "Okay," said the nurse. "Let's do the second puff." Oh, crap. And then there was round two of the battle royale.

The inhaler has been terrible for us. It was a horrible battle for several days, then seemed to improve for a few days. We even had two or three days with no tears at all!!! But...now she is back to kicking, fighting, trying to pull the inhaler out of the Aerochamber, trying to stick her fingers in the valve, trying to run away, twisting away from me, shaking her head back and forth, trying to puff the inhaler extra times....it is no fun at all for anyone involved. We have tried to make it as "fun" as we can...we put it on our faces, we let her put the Aerochamber on her dolls and bears, we breathe loudly along with her...I don't know. It sucks. It's like the return of the evil nebulizer. She never did get used to that thing, it always scared her. I was so happy when we were able to return it to the home health agency!!

So that was our visit with Dr. G2. He said that he was pleased with Brooklyn's progress, but....you know. Why can't we be done with this? It seems like with every appointment, we are adding and increasing medications, when we were told so long ago that Brooklyn would be so far beyond all of this by now. We go back in 3 months.

Early Childhood Intervention evaluation

2009-09-15T14:56:00.005-05:00

The ECI evaluation is a state form called Developmental Assessment of Young Children (DAYC), and it covers five areas of development. Brooklyn had her evalutation yesterday, and it took about two hours. In order to qualify for services with ECI, Brooklyn would have to show a "significant delay" of at least three to four months in at least one of the five areas. She is 18 months old, and in an ideal world, she would score as an 18 month old on everything. But it's not, and here is how she scored out:

1. Cognitive - 21 months
2. Communication - 13 months
3. Social-Emotional - 11 months
4. Physical Development - 12 months
5. Adaptive Behavior - 12 months

So. "Significant delays" in four out of five areas. I really, really did not expect that, and it was like a punch in the stomach. Delays in one or two areas that overlap, yeah, okay, I understand that. But four???

The way that they explained it to me is that most of the problems go back to speech - that Brooklyn doesn't have a word for anything that she wants, that she doesn't initiate using words, that she doesn't show us what she wants or needs with speech or gestures. When she wants something, she gets very upset and just cries and screams, and we are just left to try to play the guessing game about what has her so upset. A major goal is going to be to teach her words and signs to show us what she wants to reduce her frustration and make things happier for everyone.

I know that my baby understands a whole lot of what we say but just can't say it herself, but yet the low "adaptive" score comes from her not understanding what things like "put the block ON the table" or "put the cup IN the bowl" mean. Also, that she doesn't play in "repeated sequences," such as rock the baby, feed the baby, burp the baby....three or four repeated things in a row. I think she seems awfully young to be doing things like that, but what do I know. I cried when she explained this part to me, because it makes me feel like I haven't been doing enough to teach Brooklyn things she should know at her age. The guilt I feel over this is ridiculous. I feel like I have failed my daughter, like a lazy, sorry-ass, unworthy mother.

There were a few things that made her score low that I honestly didn't agree with...like on the Social-Emotional section, at her age, they wanted her to prefer one parent over the other for things like feeding her, changing her, etc. She doesn't. The only thing is that she only wants me to read to her. They considered it a negative that she didnt have a favorite parent for these everyday tasks. That seems strange to me.

The good news from yesterday was that the speech therapist said that she saw NO signs of autistic behavior whatsoever. Thank you, God!!!!

For now, we will have a visit from the speech therapist once per month, the developmental coordinator once or twice per month, and the physical therapist has not contacted us to schedule anything yet. Every six months they will re-evaluate and see whether she is making progress.

The speech therapist said that this differs from a lot of programs where parents take their children to therapy twice per week or something like that. They visit less often and focus more time on teaching the parents strategies to use at home with the children so that the children can be benefiting from the therapy constantly, not just a couple of hours per week. I like that idea. I wonder if the physical therapy is going to be the same way. I honestly worry about that, because when I was supposed to do physical therapy stretches on Brooklyn's neck when she was an infant, it seemed to cause her so much pain that I could not do it. I cried more than she did.

Anyway, we did some initial goal-setting, and the speech therapist gave us just a couple of strategies to start using with Brooklyn at home (giving her simple choices, naming everything).

And that's where we are at right now.

ECI intake and Pedi visit

2009-09-15T12:50:00.008-05:00

This time last year, it was pretty normal for Brooklyn to have tons of appointments, but our calendar doesn't usually look like this anymore! Anyway, I have a lot to catch y'all up on. This past week, Brooklyn had her Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) intake appointment, an appointment with Dr. A, and her evaluation with the developmental specialist and speech therapist from ECI (I'm going to do a separate post on the ECI evaluation.) And tomorrow she sees her pulmonologist, Dr. G2.

Wednesday, 9/9 - ECI intake.
It took about six weeks to get this appointment for Brooklyn. I did a self-referral on the advice of a friend who is a nurse back when Brooklyn was not speaking at all.

The developmental coordinator came to our house Wednesday. She had told me over the phone that the intake would take about 20 minutes and that we were going to go over my pregnancy, Brooklyn's birth, her medical history, and her development. I thought it was really funny that the lady thought it would only take 20 minutes to go over all of Brooklyn's medical history...and I was right, she was there for over an hour.

Brooklyn warmed up to her immediately and really seemed to like her. She didn't determine Brooklyn's eligibility for services or anything at that point, it was strictly an information-gathering type of appointment. She told us she would return with the speech therapist to evaluate Brooklyn the following Monday. She also took note of Brooklyn's head tilt and said that she would talk to their physical therapist about the possiblity of coming to evaluate Brooklyn at the same time as well.

One thing that I think is really great about ECI is that they are going to come to our house for everything...so, no other kids, no waiting rooms, no germs, no sickies!!!

Friday, 9/11 - 18 month appointment with Dr. A, Brooklyn's pediatrician.
Brooklyn weighed 20 pounds, 10 ounces (5th percentile) and was 31 inches tall (almost 25th percentile). This showed up as a weight loss of almost a pound since last month. But I told Dr. A that there had been a different nurse there at our last appointment, and she had Brooklyn stand on the older kids' scale fully clothed, instead of laying her on the baby scale in her diaper like they normally do. Dr. A said that the substitute nurse should have listened to me when I tried to tell her about how they normally weigh Brooklyn, so he marked last month's weight as "falsely elevated."

Dr. A said that Brooklyn's weight gain is not great, as usual, but it is "adequate." We will keep her on 2 bottles of increased calorie formula per day for now to help her gain weight.

He was very happy, as of course we are, that Brooklyn is starting to say some words again. She has about eight words she says now (baby, bear, bink, bib, ball, yeah, this, eye, dada...oh, UPDATE...this weekend marked the return of MAMA!!!!) He was very encouraged that she is making progress again, and said, "I don't know what happened to make her regress like that. To be honest, we'll probably never know what happened." According to his standards, Brooklyn is almost back in the range of normal speech for her age.

We told Dr. A about the ECI evaluation that we had scheduled. He really doesn't think that speech therapy is all that helpful in children younger than two, but definitely doesn't feel like it hurts. He thinks that ECI will be able to help Brooklyn more with her head tilt than with anything else. He does think she needs some physical therapy for it at this point. He said that she can correct it for short periods of time, she just usually doesn't. Another thing that he said we will have to keep an eye on is that babies with head tilts can have vision problems - sometimes one of their eyes will not focus as well as the other eye because they don't look at things straight on. He said that around her second birthday, he will refer her to a pediatric optometrist to make sure everything is okay with her eyes, but right now, he doesn't see any signs of problems there.

Brooklyn had to get her Hib vaccine and her flu shot. I asked whether she would be getting Synagis shots again this fall and Dr. A said that he would call Dr. G2 to discuss it with him. He doesn't feel like RSV would be as detrimental to Brooklyn's health this season as it would have been last year, even though she has not outgrown her laryngomalacia. He is not sure how much our insurance would fight us over it either.

I guess we will find out more at Brooklyn's appointment with Dr. G2 tomorrow.

A half birthday for Baby Bear!

2009-09-10T08:49:00.011-05:00

Brooklyn is a year and a half old today.
Is that even possible?

My Baby Bear is now an eighteen-month-old,

huggy,

kissy,

pretty,

brainy,

smiley,

dainty,

squealy,

snuggly,

busy,

jibber-jabbery,

bouncy,

silly,

giggly,

dancey,

spinny,

funny,

itty bitty little sweetie girl.

She is my little fighter, the strongest soul hidden within the most gentle, delicate little body.

And I could not love her more.

Happy half birthday, my beautiful, beautiful Brooklyn.

You break my heart and yet make it grow more every day.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

*kiss*

28

2009-09-09T11:57:00.003-05:00

I am 28 years old today.

The Blogger logo has a piece of birthday cake with a candle on it today. Do we share a birthday?

09/09/09.

That sounds pretty lucky.

I hope it is.

I am having one of those days where it is hard to even force a fake smile.

I have got to do something to get myself happy. I guess first I have to figure out what that is. I need to find me. I used to know who I was. I used to have an identity.

Brooklyn is the only thing in my life that makes me happy anymore. She is the only wonderful, beautiful, bright, sunny spot in a world of gray. And that means that when she is unhappy, even when it is just grumpy/whiny/sleepy/frustrated typical toddler unhappiness, I am miserable. I feel like a horrible mother, a horrible person when she is not blissfully happy. I feel like curling into a little ball and disappearing. Really, I just want to go to sleep when it's like that (when Dave's home, obviously), but I already feel so guilty about missing out on spending time with my Baby Bear.

There is so much more to this, but it doesn't belong in this post. Most of this really didn't either, but oh well.

I hate being like this.

28 has to get better.

I want a happy birthday. I want a happy 28.

And I close my eyes and wish.

Night watch

2009-09-04T12:08:00.009-05:00

My husband moves to night shift tonight. Full-on, 6 pm til 6 am overnights. And I am full of anxiety and fear over it.

I do not want to be at home alone. I am scared. No, make that terrified.

Let me explain why.

I didn't blog about it, but there was a night back in May of this year when a man tried to break into our house at three in the morning.

We were home, asleep. Our dogs woke suddenly and ran to the foot of our bed, barking wildly. We quieted them, then there was another sound. We weren't sure what it was. The dogs went crazy again. We got them calmed down again. Then there was another noise that sounded like someone walking on the wood laminate floor in our living room. "Okay," I whispered, "That sounds like footsteps."

Dave got out of bed and let the dogs down. They charged out of the room, growling and barking. But it was as if there was an invisible perimeter on the living room rug that they would not pass. They absolutely would NOT go any further. Dave picked up his flashlight and shone it around the living room. He would later tell me that someone else flashed a different colored flashlight on our dogs. He hurriedly came back in the bedroom. I was still sitting on our bed. "Call 911," my husband hissed. "Someone's here. I don't know if they're inside or outside, but someone's here."

"What?", I whimpered. "Brooklyn...Brooklyn...." Her bedroom is on the opposite side of the house. "Call 911. Now," Dave growled.

Dave grabbed his shotgun and went to the edge of the living room. He cocked it and roared, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!"

My trembling fingers fumbled with the cell phone. First I dialed 811. Then 911. The dispatcher answered and asked what my emergency was. I told him my full address and that someone was either trying to break into our house or was already in our house. I was practically hyperventilating as I told him, "My baby...I can't get to her...she's on the other side of the house...my husband's a cop....he's trying to clear the house....I can't get to my baby....my baby...."
Then the dispatcher asked me if I was calling from within the city limits of the major city about 10 miles away from us. UM, NO. I GAVE YOU MY FULL ADDRESS, INCLUDING TOWN, WHEN I CALLED!!!! "Then you need their police department, ma'am. Let me transfer you." AND HE PUT ME ON HOLD!!!

So by then I was definitely hyperventilating and shaking harder than I probably ever have and I had to relay the whole situation to the dispatcher in my actual town. And I could no longer hear Dave....I could occasionally hear a door or see flashing lights and I had no idea what was going on, I just needed to get to my Baby Bear so, so bad.

I think once I was on the phone with the proper dispatcher for all of three minutes before the police arrived at our house. But....oh my God, you want to talk about time creeping by. I slumped against our closet door. "Oh my God...please make them hurry...please, please, my baby, my little baby girl, please, I can't get to her, please, I have to get to her, please, please make them hurry, oh my God, I'm so scared...."

As it turned out, no one had gotten inside of our house. They had been in our backyard, they had come through our back gate. There were footprints in the mud leading up to the window where Dave had seen the flashlight shining in.

And that was that. The police couldn't find him. A man was arrested breaking into houses in a neighboring town with a similar M.O. a few days later. Maybe it was him. Maybe not.

Brooklyn never woke up once through the whole ordeal. Not even after the police left, when I collapsed next to her crib, crying.

And THAT is why I do not want to be home alone at night. I can't do this. What am I supposed to do if something like this happens again and my husband isn't home? I am absolutely terrified of not being able to protect my baby girl.

So. Do I take a sleeping bag into her room and sleep on her floor? My alarm will wake her up when I have to get up for work. Dave won't let me move her crib into our room. I have thought about putting her Tucker sling/wedge that she sleeps on onto our bed next to me so that she can sleep there, but Dave would have to move her and the whole apparatus when he gets home at 6 or 6:30 a.m., and I'm sure it would wake Brooklyn. I hate to shake up her sleep routine in any way whatsoever when she has just started sleeping so well the past few months, but I am just so afraid that I don't know what to do. The worry and fear are absolutely suffocating me this week. I am petrified of tonight. Ideas??????

Can I vent for a minute, please?

2009-08-19T15:33:00.008-05:00

Dear Father-in-law,

How dare you. When your son calls to tell you how afraid he is that his baby could be autistic, how dare you belittle him and make him feel so small. He called you because this is the same diagnosis that his brother, your other son, has. So he thought you might be understanding for once. Instead of listening, you first had to argue with him and tell him that everything about Brooklyn's development is normal and that everything is fine. Then, when your son tells you, no, her doctors say it's not normal, you get mad and say that it's normal for a baby who has had the medical problems she has had. That you would expect it so why can't we? We just need to deal with it. That we don't know what real problems are. That everything that Brooklyn has had to struggle with her entire little life has never been "anything major."

Then you turn downright ugly and say that if there is something developmentally wrong with our daughter, that it's our fault because we "just strapped her in her carseat or swing and left her all the time" when she was an infant. I'm sorry, but when the hell did this happen?? I seem to remember nearly losing my mind because for months, I would not even put her down so that I could use the bathroom or change my clothes or get something to eat because I could not bear to hear her cry. I recall not sleeping many nights because she would not sleep unless she was being held, and my intense fear of SIDS wouldn't allow me to fall asleep while holding her, and I couldn't even dream of letting her sleep in my bed. Yes, she eventually began sleeping in her carseat, but that's because her doctors told us that was where she needed to sleep because she needed to be elevated.

So please tell me, when the fuck did we EVER just leave her in her carseat or swing and walk away? I still cannot leave her unattended for five seconds. Even when she was asleep in the carseat (on doctor's orders, remember???), she was right beside our bed at night, or right next to wherever we were sitting at the time. We have always talked to her, read to her, sang to her, played music for her, bought all of these developmental toys to play with her, everything we could think of to try to optimize her cognitive growth. We have held and rocked and cuddled and hugged and loved on our daughter more than I ever thought possible. Countless hours.

But you wouldn't know that, would you? You wouldn't know because you are a selfish asshole, and you could count the number of times you have been around your first and only grandchild on your digits. You could count the number of times you've held her on one hand. You lost interest in my pregnancy when we found out that our unborn baby was a little girl. At the hospital when she was born, you wouldn't call her by her name, and repeatedly referred to her as "Brittany" and "Brooke." Instead of an appropriate baby gift, you brought your hours-old granddaughter a hideous dog chew toy in the shape of a pig that was bigger than she was. When your son asked you to hold his pride and joy, you waved him away and said, "Nah. I don't want to." When she was terribly ill and was hospitalized when she was four months old, you came to her hospital room and mocked the IV line in her head, even after hearing how traumatic the experience was for both she and I. She was horribly ill and we were afraid, no one knew what was wrong, and you sat there and laughed at her.

You think that you know so much. You've disregarded our baby's doctors' orders because you believe that you are so much smarter than her specialists. When she was having so many problems with her digestive tract, you fed her meat juice, when all she had ever ingested prior to that point was breastmilk, formula, and baby cereal. You asked Dave if our daughter could have it. He said no. We looked over and not a minute later, you were doing what you wanted anyway. You've run your mouth off many a time, telling us what we need to be doing to "make" her sit, crawl, walk, breathe better, sleep better, gain weight, whatever you thought her problem was on each occasion. Do you think that your son has forgotten that you were scarcely around when he was growing up, and that when you were, you didn't make an effort to be a parent? Do you honestly think that we would believe that you're an expert on any of these matters?

You're the most ignorant, pompous, immature, inconsiderate, heartless asshole I have ever known. How dare you. How dare you crush your own son with your words when he needed you to just shut up and listen, or God forbid, reassure him a little bit. He is scared. He is beside himself with stress and worry. And you respond with talking out of your ass and mindless, unfounded accusations. HOW DARE YOU accuse us of poor parenting and blame us when you are never even around to know that we devote every last drop of our love and energy into making everything right for our precious baby girl. How dare you make us question ourselves. How dare you try to make things worse than they already are with your idiotic lies. How dare you treat our family this way.

Just a little love note

2009-08-17T14:11:00.006-05:00

Dear Brooklyn,

You amaze me. It seems that with each passing day, there are new pieces of your personality that emerge and new things you do that are so incredibly sweet. And I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. I never thought love this deep was possible. I am in awe of the fact that God gave you to me. How in the world could I have been a part of making such a beautiful being as yourself?

Yesterday, you and I were in the car and we were listening to Death Cab for Cutie and Radiohead. I looked in the rearview mirror and I saw your head turned towards the sky, a smile on your face, and your arms in the air, waving to the beat of the music. You love music. You feel it in your bones and down in your soul; I love that about you. You are much like me in that way, I can see it. You feel totally free to express yourself, and I wish that I could be that way too. Most of us lose that freedom as the years pass by. I hope you never do, because it is such a beautiful part of you.

You gave me a kiss for the first time yesterday. You woke up from your afternoon nap and hugged me over and over, like you always do. Then you looked me straight in the eye, leaned forward, and gently pressed your little lips against mine. And again. And again. No puckering, no smooching noises. Just a soft touch and more sincerity than I have ever seen. Later, as I carried you around the park, you put your hand on my cheek and turned my head toward you so that you could give me more kisses. I choked back my tears. You are finally able to return the love I have been showing you for all these days, weeks, and months. It fills my heart with more adoration than I can contain. Loving you is incredible, but knowing that you love me too? It's the best feeling in the world. It amazes me that you love me back. I don't deserve anything that pure, that lovely, that sweet. But you choose to love me anyway. I don't deserve you, but yet you are mine.

What a miracle you are.

I love you, Brooklyn.

♥,
Mommy

She fills me with such hope with a single word....

2009-08-13T00:53:00.001-05:00

Tonight, Brooklyn and I sat on the couch, reading her books. We read a Sesame Street book, and then an Arthur book. Then she brought me "Corduroy." I began reading the story to her. On each page, I would ask, "Where's the bear? Where's the bunny? Show Mommy the baby doll. Can you please show Mommy where the giraffe is?" My questions were met with blank stares at the pages, just the way it has been for more than a month now. My baby girl had started recognizing animals and items on the pages of her books, then one day she just suddenly stopped. I have felt my heart sink a little further each day that she doesn't talk, doesn't want to hear the names of everything she sees, doesn't seem to care about words anymore.

I sighed and let Brooklyn turn the page.

I am nothing if not persistent, though. Next page. "Where's the bear, Brooklyn?"

"Behhhh??", said a tiny voice.

I swear I had to catch my breath. Surely it was just a coincidental noise she was making. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part.

"Bear?"

"Behhhhh?"

"Bear?"

"Behhhhhhhhhhhh?"

"Oh my God! David! Is she saying bear?!"

Dave tested out the waters. "Hey Brooklyn....bear?"

"Behhhhhhhhh?"

My husband nodded excitedly. "Yeah! Yeah, she is!"

"Bear?????", I squealed.

"Behhhhhhhhhhhh???", said Brooklyn, bouncing on my lap with a big, proud smile.

"Oh, Baby Bear. Oh my gosh. You said bear! You talked! Oh, my smart little girl!!! Oh, thank you!!!" I drowned her in hugs and kisses.

And we said "bear" back and forth about 20 more times. My heart beat so fast in my chest with the excitement of it all. A flood of relief washed over me. I think I smiled for two hours straight. Oh. My. God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My little girl got tired of the "bear" game after a while, but she did humor us and say it a few more times throughout the evening.

As Dave was changing Brooklyn into her pajamas before bedtime, he was tickling her and saying, "Ohhhh....Baby Bear!" And then we heard, "Behhhhhh? Bee." Dave said, "I think she's trying to say Baby Bear!" So we repeated "Baby Bear!" over and over to Brooklyn, and over and over she said in her sweet little voice, "Behhhhh? Bee."

Before I laid my sweet girl down in her crib tonight, we cuddled together, listening to Iron & Wine. Brooklyn laid against my chest and snuggled her little body into mine. I laid my head against hers and cried softly, dampening her soft little curls with my tears. "Thank you, God," I whispered. "Thank you for letting my Baby Bear talk. Thank you. Please let her keep talking. Please let her other words come back. Please, please let her be okay. Thank you so much for her, God. Please let her be okay. Thank you, thank you for letting her talk again."

I could have held on to her forever tonight. And she seemed to feel the same. We stayed awake together later than usual, I held her and rocked her and talked to her. We were both so calm and peaceful. I told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. Every time I paused, she answered me with a little baby noise. "Mmmmm." To me, her sounds said, "I love you too."

I am filled with such love, such gratitude, such relief. It's as if the sound of her sweet little baby voice healed something inside of me that has been falling apart. I will not forget tonight. As I write this, I am still crying, yet I haven't felt this good in a while.

I know everything that has been going on with Brooklyn isn't suddenly fixed tonight. I know we still don't have all of the answers we need. But she took such a step in the right direction. It gives me hope and lets me believe that my little girl will be all right. Tonight, the feeling of fear that has been hanging all over me and weighing me down has been replaced with peace.

I think I will sleep soundly, for the first time in weeks.

A little reassurance, but a lot of "wait and see."

2009-08-10T13:02:00.001-05:00

Brooklyn saw Dr. A, her pediatrician, on Friday afternoon. This visit was of course due to the fact that she has stopped saying all of her words except for "Dada," and we are worried about the possibility that she could be autistic.

Dr. A said that we did the right thing by bringing her in to see him. But he said that Brooklyn is too young to be diagnosed with autism or any other type of pervasive developmental disorder. He is concerned that she is no longer talking. He told us that it is not normal and it is not what you want. However, it "just happens" to babies sometimes, and it is possible that any day her words could return and everything would be back to normal. But the longer she goes without speaking, the more worried he will be.

Dr. A told us that his gut feeling is that Brooklyn is NOT autistic. This is mainly because she is continuing to socialize in ways other than speaking. During the appointment, Brooklyn got my keys out of my bag and kept bringing them to Dr. A. He said that this was the most positive thing he saw during our appointment, because autistic children will not do this because they don't care about involving others in their play. That was really encouraging. Brooklyn brings us her toys and books and things all the time. She always has.

Dr. A said that he will not tell us that some type of autism spectrum disorder not a possibility. He said if you took 100 babies who were going through what Brooklyn is going through right now, 90 of them would turn out fine, and about 10 of them would probably fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm sorry, I know that was supposed to make us feel better, but I just really don't like those "10 out of 100" odds. There is not any kind of test that they can do at this point to give us an answer. Dr. A said that a lot of behaviors that are normal for a 16 or 17 month old would be considered autistic behavior in a child who was closer to two years old. He said that many times, when parents come in with similar concerns, he just tells them to relax and not to worry about it. But he said that he wasn't going to tell us that because of everything we have already been through with Brooklyn, the amount of medical problems she has had already that are not "the norm," and because of Dave's family history of autism. He called the genetic component of autism "huge."

He doesn't think that it is a neurological problem because Brooklyn hasn't regressed in any other areas of her development. But he will order a head MRI and refer her to a developmental specialist in a month or two if she still isn't talking.

So I asked, where did her words go...why would this just happen? Dr. A didn't have an explanation. Sometimes it happens after a severe infection, like encephalitis. But Brooklyn hasn't been sick. There is controversy over whether this can occur after immunizations, and he said that unfortunately Brooklyn falls into the post-MMR immunization window, when some people believe autistic behavior can begin. But then he talked about the research that showed that autism is not linked to the MMR vaccine. So I was confused...he brought up the immunization issue as a possible cause, then said that the vaccine and autism aren't related. I need to read more about this, and I will probably freak myself out more in doing so.

I guess the bottom line is that Dr. A doesn't know why this is happening.

He said that there wasn't much we could do right now besides wait. We are to verbalize everything we are doing all the time to her, talk to her constantly. We have already been doing that. I asked about the evaluation with Early Childhood Intervention, and Dr. A said that we could move forward with it if we wanted to, but that it wouldn't do much. He said that they would come and evaluate her and tell us that she is on the level of about a 10 or 11 month old, which sounds really bad, and put her in speech therapy. He told us that there is not much evidence that speech therapy is effective in babies Brooklyn's age. I think that I am going to go ahead and do it. I sent in the referral 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything back yet. Hopefully they will call us soon. I need to feel like I am doing something for my baby besides just waiting and watching.

We go back to Dr. A in a month. So that's pretty much it for now. Wait and see. Or, in my case, wait and fret and worry and stress and overanalyze.....

The Book of Love

2009-08-05T18:10:00.001-05:00

As I was gathering my things to leave for work yesterday morning, my mother in law sat on our couch and chatted away about what she and Brooklyn were going to do that day. She wanted to know where her best walking shoes were. "I read online that she should be able to walk backwards by now," she said. "So I'm going to take her on a walk and we're going to try it."

"Oh, okay," I replied. "Just remember, she's been a little behind on her motor development, so she might not be ready yet, and that's okay."

"Yeah, I know. But she's ahead on some things too. And she only does some of the weird things that Jon did when he was a baby."

I swallowed hard. Jon is my husband's younger brother, who is autistic and mentally retarded. We have not told my mother in law that we are having Brooklyn evaluated by Early Childhood Intervention or that we are afraid something could be wrong with her. She doesn't seem to have noticed that Brooklyn is no longer speaking words. She doesn't know that we are taking her to the doctor this Friday because we are afraid of what this could mean.

I tried to find my words and pushed the lump in my throat back down. "Um. Uh. What does she do that Jon did when he was a baby?"

"Well, you know how she plays by herself, and she gets off in her own little world, and you can't distract her from it? And you say her name and she doesn't look at you or anything? Jon was the only one of my kids who was like that."

"Oh."

"There's a lot of other stuff he did that was off that she doesn't do. So I think she's going to be fine by the time she starts school."

"Yeah." Fake smile. Outside in my car, I make a panicky call to David, and he tries to reassure me and tell me just to wait until Friday. He says things like maybe his mom doesn't remember which child did what. He tells me that all kids "zone out" when they're playing, that it's normal.

Maybe. But maybe not.

I am distracted all day long at work. My fingers think for themselves as they type away at reports on criminals while my mind is racing, playing the "what if" game. At lunch, I look up the age-appropriate milestone checklists again. I read over the possible early signs of autism again. My baby doesn't have all of these warning signs by any means. She still makes eye contact with me, she smiles, she laughs, she talks to herself in her baby language. She doesn't flap her hands or arms or organize her toys into categories. But that big red flag keeps jumping out at me....loss of words. Where did her words go? Why? I try to look for other causes of this, but everything I read mentions that dreaded A-word.

That evening, I leave work and drive across town to pick up one of Brooklyn's prescriptions. I am blaring one of my mix cd's, and Peter Gabriel's "Book of Love" begins to play. The beautiful sounds of the strings fill my ears, and I feel my heart breaking.

Ever since we started trying to conceive, David has had dreams of a little girl, our little daughter, playing a violin. He wants so badly for Brooklyn to play the violin, because I love them so much, and he has dreamed it vividly so many times. It paints a beautiful picture in my head as well. We have been so excited to see that Brooklyn appears to be so musically inclined...she loves to listen to music, she dances to every type of music she hears with a big grin on her face, she seems to feel the notes and chords and rhythms deep down inside her little body. "I can't wait to get her a violin," David said the other night. "I can't wait to hear her play it."

Fear ran through my body as I listened to the song playing, the strings swelling.

What if she CAN'T.

What if she can't do all of these other things that I want for her, that I dream of her being able to do. Doing well in school, becoming whatever she wants to be, getting married, having a family of her own. What if she can't do anything.

What if she's like my brother in law and can't ever live independently? What if, like him, she has to live isolated, trapped as an angry child within a grown-up body, unable to relate to anyone else? What if. Oh. My. God. What if.

I lost it. I sobbed hard all the way to the pharmacy, tears blurring my vision of the traffic, my throat so tight that it was painful to breathe, my chest feeling like it was going to burst wide open. "Dear God," I whispered, "Please let my baby be okay. Please let her start talking again. Don't do this to her. I can't take this."

These fucking what if's, and this fucking waiting game. I am not trying to dwell on the worst possible outcome, and I'm not trying to be negative, especially when we know nothing at this point. I don't want to jump to conclusions or assume anything. But I am so afraid. My mind wanders off to dark places these days, and sometimes I can't bring it back.

This machine cannot communicate these thoughts and the strain I am under....

2009-08-03T11:58:00.010-05:00

I knew I hadn't blogged in a while, but I was shocked to get on here and see that it had been just a couple of days short of a month since my last entry.

Allow me to attempt to explain myself.

No, I can't give you a single specific reason why I haven't been writing. I will tell you that I started this blog to be my personal, somewhat-anonymous space where I could say what I wanted, where I could vent and worry and talk about things that I am normally too afraid to talk about in real life. Well, either afraid to talk about or I just don't feel like anyone wants to hear about it. And now, apparently I am getting that way with my blog too.

I could write about how more often than not, my marriage seems to be crumbling. How my husband and I fight for hours at a time, days at a time, yell at each other, and how I want to hit him so badly for saying the hurtful things he says to me. How I have cried so hard that I cannot stop and end up having panic attacks in the middle of the night, because I never, ever thought that we would be like this, and I never would have dreamed that I would feel the way that I do about him so often now.

I could blog about how my brother was living in a Wal-Mart because he has been kicked out of overy homeless shelter in town because he refuses to stop using drugs. I could tell you about the call my parents got from one of my brother's friends, saying that my brother had a cyanide pill and planned to take it soon to end his life. How my parents asked me to help, and so I knew nothing else to do but to use my connections at work to have a probation violation warrant issued for his arrest. I went and told his probation officer's supervisor about every violation that I knew of. I found out where he was going to be dropped off and when on the day said warrant was released. I stayed on the phone with the officers as they found and followed him, and arrested him. How my brother said he would kill himself in jail and my guilt related to that. What kind of person orchestrates her own brother's arrest? Me, apparently, when I see no other way to try to save him from himself. But if something happens to him behind those bars, I will never be able to forgive myself. Because although I am not the REASON he is in jail, I put him there.

I could write about my worst fear in the world right now...that at sixteen months, my baby girl has stopped using all of her words. How every word with the exception of "Dada" has seemingly disappeared from her little mind. That it has been nearly a month since I have heard her sweet, tiny baby voice say "Mama", "baby", "apple", "hi", "hey", "bye", "puppy", "egg", or "fish". That she no longer points at pictures in books, asking to hear the words for everything by saying "This? This?" How I am completely terrified of that horrible, ugly A-word...autism. That my husband is sick with worry over it because it runs in his family. "If she has it," he says, "it would be all my fault." And that it is taking what seems like a million years to have her evaluated or seen by her pedi. That I truly don't know if I could handle that diagnosis. I am so afraid to even think of it as a possibility, to type or speak the word. As if doing so will curse her with that condition or make it suddenly real. It tears me into a million little pieces.

I could write about any of those things.

But I end up pushing it all back down inside, rolling my fear and anger and guilt and sadness and worry into a ball in the pit of my stomach, and not using this blog for what it was intended to be - my only outlet for all of these feelings and fears. I tell myself that no one wants to read whiny, negative entries. That if I write the things that I am thinking, that people will think I am some kind of self-pitying, bitchy, crybaby drama queen.

And then I can't think of anything else I have to say, because all of these horrible feelings seem to consume me completely these days.

And no one wants to hear about that, right?

The ways Brooklyn melts my heart

2009-07-06T11:58:00.004-05:00

♥ She gives me big hugs at random times, and always just when I need them. When she hugs me, she lays her little head on me and pats me with one hand.

♥ She hugs everything she loves. She hugs our dogs, her baby dolls, her Elmos, her stuffed animals. She leans forward and lays her head on the picture of the crying baby in her Counting Kisses book and gives her a hug. We were in Build-A-Bear forever this weekend because she wanted to hug all of the stuffed animals! She hugs them all the same sweet way she hugs me...laying her head against them and patting them gently.

♥ Some days, she wakes up so happy in the morning. Her smile overtakes her face when I walk into her bedroom. She talks to me in her own language while I get her out of her Tucker sling, and she can't wait for me to pick her up and hold her. I can't wait, either.

♥ She is super snuggly in the mornings. I hold her close while she drinks her morning bottle, but it's just not close enough for her. She will sit up and lean against my chest and hug me until she decides that it's too hard to drink her bottle that way. A couple of minutes later, she will try again.

♥ She dances and bounces and spins and twirls with complete abandon when she hears music. Any kind of music. She loves it so much.

♥ She shares her bink and her bottles with her baby dolls and Elmos. She loves to share her toys and books with anyone. She doesn't care if you do anything with them, she just wants you to have them and hold them for a little while.

♥ She laughs hysterically everytime she sees any type of animal, whether in person, on TV, or in pictures. I have no idea why. But it's hysterically cute and always makes me smile! She has the cutest little voice and laugh.

♥ She loves to help me take care of her now. She helps brush her hair, she takes a turn brushing her teeth, and she helps me rub lotion on her chest and tummy. And she is oh-so-proud of herself when she does these things. She gets excited and claps with us when we praise her for pointing to her belly, head, mouth, feet, and nose. I love that self-confident grin. I hope she is always able to feel proud of herself.

♥ She just is herself. Her adorable, sweet, beautiful little self. She grows and learns more every day and I am in awe of her. I still gaze at her for ages and wonder how I could possibly be so blessed. I love my darling Baby Bear!

So tell me, what is your favorite thing that your baby does that makes your heart melt every time?

A girl with a curl

2009-06-24T19:10:00.002-05:00

Brooklyn's hair is getting so long! And it's starting to get wavy, just like mama's!!! I love it!

June Pulmonologist visit

2009-06-21T15:34:00.005-05:00

On Wednesday, we went to see Dr. G2, Brooklyn's pulmonologist. The basic stuff first: she weighed in at 19.8 pounds and was 29 inches long. Her respirations were 36, and her oxygenation was 95.

Just like the rest of Brooklyn's doctors, Dr. G2 was very pleased with her recent weight gain, and was happy that she has caught up on her motor development!

Let me explain what has been going on with Brooklyn's laryngomalacia, since I know I haven't blogged about it much lately. She still has a stridor much of the time. Sometimes it is really loud, but sometimes it is just moderate. It is usually at it's loudest when she is walking around and playing and when she is sleeping. She had stopped making that really deep, jaggedy sounding stridor that sounded like she was trying to catch her breath about two months ago, but now it is back. We hear it probably 10 times a day lately. On a positive note, she does have periods of time where her breathing is completely quiet, sometimes even when she is sleeping.

Over the past couple of weeks, Brooklyn has started having some intercostal retractions again. It never lasts for very long - I'm talking less than a minute at a time. Sometimes it's when she is playing and working really hard, but sometimes it's when I am just holding her and she is sitting still. We hadn't seen her have any retractions for months, so I was shocked when she did it when I was holding her before bed the about 2 weeks ago. I asked my mom if she had noticed this at all, since she keeps her during the day. She said that yes, over the last couple of weeks she had probably seen Brooklyn have retractions about 6 or 7 times. I don't understand why this is coming back all of a sudden. We had thought she was completely over that.

When we saw Dr. G2 at the end of March, he had told us that Brooklyn should completely outgrow her laryngomalacia by the time she was 14 months old. Obviously, this has not happened, and she is 15 months old now. Not only has she not outgrown her respiratory problems, in some ways they seem to be worsening.

So, needless to say, I was ready for our appointment with Dr. G2. Throughout the entire office visit, Brooklyn was playing and walking around the exam room. This was a good thing because Dr. G2 was able to hear what her breathing sounds like and how noisy she can get when she is being active. (At our last appointment, Brooklyn was really quiet and wouldn't crawl around so that he could hear her!)

Dr. G2 said that he doesn't know why Brooklyn hasn't outgrown her laryngomalacia. I questioned him about it two different times, and he just didn't have an answer for us. He said that Brooklyn may have to have another bronchoscopy soon so that he can look at her airway again and try to figure out what is going on. He wants me to email him a video of what her stridor sounds like when she is sleeping this week. He said that he will decide whether she needs another bronchoscopy after viewing that.

He increased her Bethanechol dosage by 25%. Dr. G2 always gives us a copy of the report that he sends to her doctors after each appointment, and the report says this is because "this medication may have an anecdotal effect of increasing airway tone and therefore help with some of the malacia symptoms." So we are hoping for a side effect. Weird. He said that he isn't too worried about the intercostal retractions since she is only having them for short periods of time.

So, to sum up: No answers. Possibility of having to put Brooklyn through another surgery. And did I mention no answers? I am so frustrated with being told Brooklyn will outgrow her laryngomalacia at 4 months...6 months...8 months...a year...14 months....and then it doesn't happen. Why not? Dr. G2 didn't speculate on when she would get past it this time. Not the positive visit I had hoped for. Sigh.

I ♥ Faces Week #23 - My Sweetie in Sepia

2009-06-16T19:56:00.003-05:00

This week's I ♥ Faces challenge is "Sepia Toned." This was a harder challenge than I thought it would be because you truly have to find just the right picture to look right in sepia. I usually shoot in such bright colors that I think it made it even harder for me!

Anyway, I think I found just the right one. Here is Brooklyn in all her sepia toned cuteness :)

Please go visit I ♥ Faces to see lots of other great photos in this week's challenge!

15 month pedi visit...or....The Day Brooklyn Hit the Big 2-0!

2009-06-16T11:36:00.006-05:00

Friday, Brooklyn went to see Dr. A for her 15 month well visit. This was a great visit for several reasons:

- We have not had to go see Dr. A in 3 WHOLE MONTHS....since Brooklyn's 12 month well visit! Of course, we have had specialist visits since then....but still, this is a record for us by far!

- During these 3 months, Brooklyn has grown a LOT. The nurses were oohing and ahhing over her and saying she didn't even look like the same baby anymore! Dr. A was very impressed with how Brooklyn looked and commented on how she has a little tummy now. So of course, I had to point out her little chubby rolls that have recently appeared on her thighs as well. :) Everyone at Dr. A's office knows us well and really cares about Brooklyn since she has spent so much time there. It was really cool to hear them all compliment her progress!

- And yes, my baby girl weighed in at 20 POUNDS EVEN!!!! And that puts her in the TENTH PERCENTILE for the FIRST TIME EVER!!! She was also 29 1/2 inches tall, which is 25th percentile!!!! That's a lot of capital letters and a lot of exclamation points....but wow....this is so HUGE for us. We have waited SO LONG for Brooklyn just to be on the growth charts. Last month at Dr. R's, she hit 3rd percentile, and now she has already made a jump to the 10th percentile!!! Awesome!!!!

So that's my big news!!!

Other than that...Brooklyn walked around for Dr. A so that he could see the way that she is leading with her left leg. One thing that is odd about this is that Dave had noticed that it is much more noticable when she is carrying around her toys. So I gave her my keys to hold, and sure enough, the left leg leading thing became MUCH more dramatic. Dr. A didn't know why. He said that Brooklyn does still have a slight head tilt, but he doesn't know if the two are related. He said that the way a child walks for the first two or three months doesn't usually mean that they will walk that way permanently. Dr. A examined Brooklyn and said that there is nothing anatomically wrong that is causing her to walk that way (nothing wrong with her hips, her muscle tone in her legs are even, her "butt creases" line up).

He said that we could put Brooklyn in physical therapy twice a week if we wanted....we said that we would do what he told us in that respect, because obviously we don't know if she needs therapy or not...we aren't the experts. Dr. A decided that we will keep an eye on her walking and head tilt for the next few months. He will see her at 18 months and decide whether physical therapy is needed at that time.

As I previously mentioned....Dr. A was thrilled with Brooklyn's weight gain and development. She has caught up with her motor development, where she was lagging way behind six months ago. He said that it was "miraculous" to see her doing so well now! He told us to keep doing exactly what we are doing with her feedings, because it is finally working!

He doesn't know why she hasn't outgrown her laryngomalacia and why her stridor is still so loud at times. We go to Dr. G2, Brooklyn's pulmonologist, tomorrow. Of course, Dr. A just defers to the specialist's areas of expertise and will wait for Dr. G2's next report. He agreed with what Dr. R had said last month...that since Brooklyn is now growing so well, she shouldn't need surgical intervention.

Oh...on a funny note, when Dr. A got up to leave, Brooklyn pushed his chair over to him (it's one of those stools with wheels) and tried to get him to sit back down. Dr A was laughing and complimenting Brooklyn on how smart she is, because most 15 month olds wouldn't know that the stool was a chair and what it was for!

These positive doctor appointments are so, so good for Dave and I. We didn't know what this felt like until a few months ago :) I hope that tomorrow's visit with Dr. G2 will be an encouraging one as well....

Bloom.

2009-06-12T10:08:00.001-05:00

Walking....

2009-06-10T13:08:00.004-05:00

Okay, I have tried about a dozen times to post a video on here to better explain what I am about to tell y'all about, but Blogger just will not cooperate with me.

Brooklyn started taking steps on May 16. Yaaaaaaay Baby Bear! She is getting around so well now and we are so proud of her!

I do have a concern though...and that was going to be the reason for the video (other than showing off what my baby girl can do!). Within a couple of days after Brooklyn started walking, we could see that she was leading with her left leg. Like, a lot. It's like she takes a step with her left leg, then pulls the right leg after it. Not like a limp, because she does actually take a step with the right leg (she doesn't drag it), just like maybe one leg is a lot stronger than the other or something??? She definitely favors that left leg.

The reason this kind of freaks me out is because Brooklyn has had a head tilt for about seven or eight months or so. We knew her head was somewhat flattened because of her having to sleep in her car seat and not tolerating tummy time. The flattening was more so on the left side, so once we became aware of it, we had to roll up a blanket at night and put it under one side of her car seat head rest to encourage her to turn her head the other way. We were also supposed to do some physical therapy exercises with her to help it, but she screamed such bloody murder every time that I just couldn't do it anymore. When she started sitting, she would lean her head to the left much of the time. After she began crawling, it was pointed out to me that she always angled and tilted her head to the left.

I really don't think the leading with the left leg is as dramatic now as it was during her first week or two of walking. So maybe it will correct itself. I don't know. Brooklyn does have a pedicatrician's appointment this Friday, and she sees her pulmonologist next Wednesday. So I will definitely be bringing it up. But in the meantime, I am worrying!!!

Can anyone tell me whether this sounds like something I should be worried about??? Or has anyone had a similar experience???

I ♥ Faces Week #21 - Lucy Belle, the Fabulous Pug

2009-06-02T20:40:00.004-05:00

Okay, so today I am entering my first I Heart Faces challenge! I'm trying to gain a little more confidence with my photography :). This pic is for the "Anything Goes" pet category. Please go check out the I Heart Faces photography blog - I love it!!! They have great photo challenges every week!

The story behind this picture is that 2 weeks ago Dave and Brooklyn went to the zoo and I was left at home by myself for the first time since Brooklyn was born. I got BORED. So out comes the camera. And one of Brooklyn's tutus. Poor Lucy ;) She's such a good sport.

Mmmmm, delicious.

2009-05-26T00:28:00.003-05:00

This is too cute not to share. For the past couple of weeks, when Brooklyn sees pictures of food when we are reading her books, she tries to pick the food up off the page and eat it. It's hilarious!!! Now, is that a smart baby or what???

PS - Please try to ignore my glaringly pasty pale legs. Sorry about that. I sincerely hope nobody goes blind.

PPS - I promise a real post next time because I need to ask y'all whether I am fretting over nothing concerning Brooklyn's motor development. But right now, I need sleep!

ON THE CHARTS, baby!!!

2009-05-20T14:06:00.004-05:00

We went to Dallas yesterday so that Brooklyn could see Dr. R, her gastroenterologist. My mom went with Brooklyn and I because Dave has started a new job and couldn't take time off yet. We had a really good appointment with Dr. R. Brooklyn had gained almost two pounds in eight weeks and weighed in at 18 pounds, 10 ounces! She had also grown an inch longer. The highlight of our day was finding out that SHE HAS HIT THE THIRD PERCENTILE CURVE ON THE GROWTH CHART!!! This is such a big deal for us! Brooklyn is on the charts!!!

Dave and I actually had predicted that she would weigh a little more than she actually did. She is looking so, so good lately. Over the past month, her little thighs have gotten chubby, she even has a little roll of pudge on each leg. I can no longer touch my thumb and index finger around the biggest part of her thigh. She has little fat creases on her wrists. I don't think that she will be wearing these size 3-6 month clothes very much longer! I am loving watching her gain weight. She is still considered tiny for her age...but this is amazing to me. I am constantly showing our friends her newly developed chubby thighs...my baby has never looked like this before! It's a thrill for me. It's a visual sign that her health is slowly improving and that things are gradually getting better for us. A reward for everything we have been through and how far we have come.

Dr. R was very pleased with Brooklyn's weight gain. He showed me some of Brooklyn's growth stats that I had never seen before. I knew that her weight was considered "not on the charts." I have seen her "own curve" plotted on the growth charts many, many times, several rows below the curves. But I did not know that in January of this year, she was considered to be in the 0.52 growth percentile. That is ridiculously small...I had no idea exactly how far below the curves she had been. In March, Brooklyn was in the 1.77 percentile. And yesterday, the 3.86 percentile. I wonder what the numbers were last year....he didn't show us that. I am sure they were even lower. But wow. The progress she is making. Dr. R said that he is much less concerned that Brooklyn will need surgical intervention now because she is growing well. (sign of relief!)

Dr. R is not changing up any of Brooklyn's reflux medications right now. She is still spitting up a lot. She alternates between swallowing it back down and actually spitting it up. He said that most children with severe reflux outgrow it between a year and 18 months. However, it is unlikely that Brooklyn will outgrow hers within the next few months because of her laryngomalacia and stridor. He said that the laryngomalacia is further aggravating the valve that causes her reflux. Dr. R also said that if Brooklyn has not outgrown the reflux by the time she is two, it is a sign that she will probably continue to require medication for at least several more years.

The only change that Dr. R made was to take Brooklyn off of her milk of magnesia. She also has to take Miralax now and we are to give her a teaspoon twice per day instead of once per day now. She has been having problems with constipation since late December. The combination of Miralax and milk of magnesia has been the only thing that has worked for her. If she does not get BOTH of them each day, she cannot go. But Dr. R was concerned about having to continually increase the dosage on the milk of magnesia. So I am hoping that this change doesn't get her back off track again.

Anyway. It was a really good, really encouraging appointment. Dr. R told us to keep up the good work again. Dr. R wants me to call him after we see Dr. G2 (pulmonologist) next month. He may increase one of her meds (Bethanechol) at that time. But we don't have to go back for THREE months!

Happy Blogoversary to me!

2009-05-17T15:48:00.006-05:00

During the past year, we have come so far. We've grown from this:

To this:

Thanks, bloggy friends, for being there for us to lean on.

♥,

Amanda and Brooklyn

My disappointing Mother's Day

2009-05-11T13:07:00.004-05:00

Today it is dreary and drizzly outside, and it just seems appropriate. I am just having one of those days.

Mother's Day was really disappointing for me. My husband is usually so great about making me feel special and planning sweet little surprises on important days. But yesterday, he said nothing about Mother's Day. We had been up for a couple of hours when I finally asked him if he knew what day it was. "Yeah, it's Mama's Day," he replied. And that was that.

I didn't need him to make a big huge deal out of the day or anything. I didn't need him to buy me an expensive present or plan anything elaborate. I just needed him to acknowledge the day. To give me a card from my daughter or something like that, since she isn't old enough to do so herself. Just to tell me that he knows how hard I am working to be a great mommy to our sweet baby girl. Just....something.

Instead, I pretty much ended up feeling like I must be doing such a shitty job as a mom that I wasn't worthy of a Mother's Day sentiment. If it wasn't for my daily dose of the emotion-stifling Lexapro, I think I would have been doing a lot of crying yesterday. Last night, while my husband slept soundly beside me, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling fan and feeling increasingly worse about myself and my (lack of?) motherly abilities. Today, I feel like I have a hangover from the sadness and disappointment of yesterday. And the weather seems to understand.

Prayers for a friend

2009-05-07T16:28:00.006-05:00

I just wanted to ask everyone one to keep Ava and her sweet mommy Hope in your thoughts and prayers. Ava has been inpatient at Cincinnati Children's Hospital all week having all kinds of tests and procedures so that her doctors can figure out exactly what is wrong and how to treat her. So far, the tests have revealed a few "new" problems for little Ava. She is also having a hard time with the anesthesia that they keep having to give her and is having issues with her heart rate and seizures because of it.

Hope found my blog not long after I began writing it. Little Ava has laryngomalacia, as we came to find out that Brooklyn has as well (Hope has called Ava and Brooklyn "malacia buddies." Cute!). She has been a great source of support for me and I am so thankful for her friendship. She is one of the only people that I have felt like completely understands everything we have been through with Brooklyn. I don't know anyone in real life who has been through what we have been through. Hope, you have been so wonderful. I wish I could be there with you this week.

Please pray with me that the doctors will be able to figure out exactly what Ava's medical needs are. Pray that she will stop having reactions to the anesthesia and that these procedures won't cause her any pain or discomfort. Pray for peace and strength for Hope because it is so ridiculously stressful to have a baby in the hospital, especially when you don't know what is wrong. Brooklyn has had a lot of these same tests and procedures and I know that it is so hard to watch your little baby be put through all of this. Also, please pray for wisdom for Ava's doctors - that they will be able to discern what Ava needs and take care of her in the best way possible.

And I'm sure Hope wouldn't mind if you stopped by her blog and let her know that you are thinking of her and Ava!

Swine fear

2009-05-04T11:45:00.004-05:00

It may seem out of character for one who worries as much as I do in general, but I truly do not typically freak out over health scares that are hyped up by the media. Bird flu, West Nile virus, etc....those illnesses didn't scare me.

But this swine flu/H1N1 threat is a different story. I didn't think much of it the first couple of days that the news mentioned it. Wednesday night, I got a little stressed over it because the first 6 or 7 minutes of the news was dedicated to nothing but swine flu coverage. Then, Thursday morning, when I was driving to work, a nationally syndicated radio show read this email, written by a Texas doctor, on the air. And I began panicking. OMG, my baby. What if she gets it? There are people who have contracted this virus clinging to life on respirators? Brooklyn already has an airway defect. What would happen to her if she became ill with it since she already has respiratory problems?

Then I heard reports that it is usually the 2nd or 3rd person in a household who contracts the virus who is at the greatest risk. Okay, so that means that if my husband and I bring it home from work and Brooklyn gets sick after us, she would be in the worst shape. Then reports that the 23-month-old in Houston who died from it had "an underlying medical condition." Well, great, so does my baby!!! This is something like my extreme fear of RSV over the winter months, but amplified. We managed to escape RSV, with the help of Brooklyn's Synagis shots, and now there is this. And they are saying things like the virus is contagious for 2 days before the patient shows any symptoms and that the germs live for 6+ hours on all surfaces. OMG.

On Thurday and Friday, cases of swine flu started popping up locally. A couple of schools in the area closed down for the next 10 days. All UIL sports games and academic meets were cancelled for 2 weeks statewide. As of today, there are 300,000 Texas students home from school because their schools have been closed because of either confirmed or "highly suspected" cases of swine flu.

Since I had heard that supplies of Tamiflu and Relenza might run out soon, I decided to try to get a prescription for Brooklyn so that we would have it filled, just in case. Brooklyn's pediatrician has been so good to us, and has been so considerate of her special medical needs, so I was sure he would call a prescription in for her.

Nope. I got a call back from Dr. A's nurse saying that they were not prescribing Tamiflu for anyone as a prophylaxis. If Brooklyn shows signs of the flu, she will have to be seen by Dr. A, they will do a test for H1N1, and then prescribe Tamiflu if necessary. I thought that I had gotten this answer because Dr. A's nurse hadn't actually talked to Dr. A and said that it was for Brooklyn because of her laryngomalacia and how bad respiratory illnesses could be for her. But it's so ridiculously hard to call a doctor's office and actually talk to a doctor, I didn't know when/if I might be able to talk to Dr. A himself. I then called Dr. G2, Brooklyn's pulmonologist, and Dr. R, her gastroenterologist, with the same request. I got voice mails from nurses at both doctor's office that were nearly identical to the message Dr. A's nurse had left me earlier. I mean practically verbatim.

So now I am convinced that the CDC or some other government agency is not allowing doctors to prescribe Tamiflu or Relenza without a documented diagnosis of H1N1. I know that they are trying to keep close track of every case of H1N1 so that they can monitor the virulence and how quickly it is spreading. I understand that they don't want to run out of the drugs because too many people wanted it "just in case," but can't you make an exception for babies and children who have the potential to suffer the most from the virus? I don't care if I get a prescription for myself or for Dave. I just want one for my little Brooklyn. I am truly terrified that she will catch this, and so scared of what it could do to her.

"I'm too sleepy to eat my dinner!"

2009-04-27T20:07:00.004-05:00

The ties that bind us

2009-04-24T11:40:00.003-05:00

The Monday night dinner with my parents and little brother was....okay, I guess. Nothing big happened. Nothing terrible.

It's just discouraging, this path that he is headed down. Again.

He is 20 years old and has no plans and no goals for himself. Well, I take that back. He wants my parents to give him his college fund money (from our grandparents) while he is here. He is telling them he wants to go to a technical school in Georgia, but says he doesn't know what for. We know his track record. It is obvious he does not want the money for school. He has no job, no place to live, a girlfriend (yeah, they're back together now) with no job, and a drug and alcohol habit. He and the girlfriend have already had a pregnancy scare in their one month of being together. She has a 16-month-old child that is living with a relative in another state because she couldn't care for him. She is married. She says she's getting divorced, but who knows. My brother talked about fights they have been having - ridiculous, possessive, jealousy-fueled fights that people who have been in a relationship for a month should never have.

My brother told Dave that he couldn't pass a drug test to get a job test now (we knew that). But then he said that he has no interest in staying clean. That he doesn't see any reason to not use drugs. (Really? Are you serious? No reason at all? Not the fact that you have wrecked your life several times over with drug use? You've been to rehab. You've been arrested. Been on probation. Been kicked out multiple times. Totalled multiple cars. Discharged from the Army. Attempted suicide. Hurt your family so badly. Lost friends. You said you knew the drugs were the reason why. You said you were going to get your life straight this time.)

It's so hard to have hope for someone in this situation. I love him so much, I want all of these wonderful things for him, yet he wants nothing positive for himself.

Brooklyn remembers him. It had been four months since she'd seen him, and she reached for him the second she laid eyes on him.

Dave said he doesn't want my brother in and out of Brooklyn's life while he is living his life this way. "I don't want him coming around Brooklyn, around us, until he's clean. He's had chances. This is it," Dave said. He doesn't want our daughter exposed to the hurt that comes with loving someone who is an addict. I understand, but I don't want to take her from him. I know he loves her. No, I do not want him around us when he is high. But I also cannot bring myself to tell my husband that I will agree to this. I already have one brother who we have no contact with because he is a lying, manipulating, violent, hurtful drug addict. My baby brother is basically the only sibling I have now.

I don't want to lose him. But I'm afraid he may be lost no matter what I do. He is heading back down a dangerous road. If something were to happen, I couldn't deal with the guilt...(Could I have done more? I should have been there for him. Why didn't we let him come over? Why didn't we reach out? We shouldn't have bowed out of his life. He needed us and we weren't there....)

It's morbid, but these are the things I think about. The "what-ifs." Especially now that I know he has the capacity (and will?) to try to take his own life.

I don't want to be an only child.

That uneasy feeling

2009-04-20T12:55:00.004-05:00

My baby brother is back in town.

He was discharged from the Army at the end of March. Since then, he has been living with a girlfriend that he met when she and her mother were witnesses to the wreck he had when he was trying to kill himself (what a lovely story). He told my mother that he was not going to come back to Texas; he was going to stay in Georgia because the people here are bad influences on him and he needed to make positive changes in his life.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks. On Friday, the girlfriend broke up with him, so he could no longer ~~freeload~~ live with her and her parents. On Saturday, he was back here. On Sunday, he was already hanging out with our other brother and their mutual drug buddies. My father overheard him talking on the phone telling friends that he couldn't wait to get high with them. He takes no responsibility for the things that have happened over the past few months. He has no plans for himself. He is obviously using again. And so the downward spiral continues.

Dave, Brooklyn, and I are supposed to go to my parent's house for dinner tonight. This will be the first time that I have seen or talked to my baby brother since the drug relapse, the suicide attempts and his subsequent Army discharge. We have texted a few times, but I haven't been able to actually pick up the phone and call him. I can't seem to summon up the courage or find the right words. So I just pray. And worry.

I don't feel ready to see him. I don't really know what to say to him anymore. I just have this sick, heavy feeling hanging over me, the kind that stays with you when you are watching someone you love self-destruct. I know that feeling well now.

Wordless Wednesday: God made your eyes to match the flowers....

2009-04-15T12:11:00.003-05:00

Brooklyn in a little bluebonnet patch. *Sigh.* I love her so much.

Brooklyn's first birthday party!

2009-04-14T01:15:00.000-05:00

Yes, this post is a month overdue! But I figured it was better late than never! We had a great time at Brooklyn's party. Everything went perfectly smoothly. We had 20 people there...a few that we invited weren't able to be there, but most of the people who were so important in our lives during Brooklyn's first year were there. Brooklyn was unbelievably adorable in her custom-made tutu and birthday onesie. She was in a fabulous mood and did not fuss or get grumpy at all. And the baby girl was completely spoiled with presents. I mean REALLY spoiled! The picture that shows her presents below was only about half of them. She got tons and tons of toys and darling clothes. We had a wonderful day celebrating the birth of our sweet Baby Bear with our friends and family! Enjoy the pics!

Madeline Alice Spohr

2009-04-08T16:41:00.006-05:00

November 11, 2007 - April 7, 2009

My heart broke this afternoon when I read that sweet baby Maddie had suddenly passed away.

I cannot stop crying for Maddie and her wonderful, dedicated, loving parents, Mike and Heather. Anyone who kept up with their blogs knew that they treasured little Maddie more than anything. She was their whole world.

Maddie was a fighter from the first breath she ever took. She had such a joy for life....it absolutely radiated from every one of the thousands of pictures her Mommy posted of her. She had the biggest, most beautiful eyes I have ever seen and a smile that could brighten anyone's day. I wish I could have met her, but being her bloggy friend was great too.

I can't begin to imagine what Heather and Mike are going through right now. Honestly, I am terrified to imagine what it must be like. I wish that there were words that could make it better. Of course, there are not. There is no way to understand why things like this happen. Yet, I can't stop asking God why he would let this occur.

All I can do is pray for Maddie's family and ask you to do the same.

Mike and Heather are asking that donations to March of Dimes be made in lieu of flowers and cards. This link will let you donate in Maddie's name.

And please, please pray unceasingly for them as they make their way through these dark days. Pray that God will give them comfort, peace, support from those who love them, and nothing but sweet memories of their precious, beautiful little girl.

Rest in peace, baby Maddie. You are loved by so many. I am so grateful that your Mommy and Daddy have shared you with us for the length of your little life. We are all better for "knowing" you. You have made the world a more beautiful place.

Great news!

2009-04-03T00:04:00.005-05:00

This post is nearly a week overdue. I have been seriously neglecting my blog for the past week and a half; in fact, I even forgot that I had this awesome new layout! I don't have any good reason why I haven't been writing. I have been reading and commenting, just not doing anything here! I have been trying to post a blog full of pics from Brooklyn's birthday party (yes, it was nearly 3 weeks ago, I know!), but Blogger hasn't been cooperating. Maybe some of y'all who do picture-heavy posts can give me some pointers? It is failing to upload my pics altogether. Maybe I need to resize the files.

Anyway!

We took Brooklyn for her one year appointment with Dr. G2, the pulmonologist, last Friday. He said that he was IMPRESSED with Brooklyn's progress. He actually said IMPRESSED! He was happy with the way she is catching up on her motor milestones and that she is growing.

Brooklyn's breathing was very uncharacteristically quiet throughout our visit with Dr. G2. I told him that it was quite deceiving because she certainly doesn't sound that good all of the time! She does have some periods where she breathes without a stridor, but not normally for that long. I told him how loud she gets when she plays and crawls around now, and told him about the new noise she has been making - that long, jaggedy, drawn-out stridor. He said that that noise is probably because her body is growing and she is requiring more air to be active. Her airway is apprently folding down or collapsing on itself more as she takes these big breaths to move her body around so much. He said that her body should continue to grow inside as well, and allow her airway to catch up with her. At the same time, the cartilage on her larynx should be starting to harden so that it won't be floppy anymore. We tried to get Brooklyn to play around in the office so that Dr. G2 could hear how loud she gets. We got toys out of her bag and placed them on the other side of the room. Dr. G2 put his keys in the corner of the room as well. We placed Brooklyn on the ground, but she was not at all interested in crawling around. She just sat there looking at the three of us, then held her arms up to me so that I would pick her up. It was much like taking your car to the shop and it won't make "that noise" for the mechanic. Dr. G2 said that we could take a video of her playing and breathing loudly at home and send it to him so that he could see and hear what we were talking about.

Brooklyn weighed 16 lbs, 7 ounces. This is exactly what she weighed 2 1/2 weeks prior, at her one year well visit. But she is super active right now...I mean, the girl is constantly on the move and into everything! So I can understand why it would be even harder for her to gain weight now. Dr. G2 said basically the same thing as Brooklyn's pediatrician...yes, she is still below 3rd percentile in growth, but for her, it is progress and it is okay.

The great news is that Brooklyn does NOT need surgery on her airway! Dr. G2 said that she should outgrow her laryngomalacia by 14 months. We will see him again when she is 15 months old to see whether that has happened. He did not tell us what the plan of action will be if she has not outgrown everything by that time. So we are hoping that he is right....but then again, we were told that Brooklyn would outgrow her laryngomalacia by 4 months...then 6 months...8 months....a year. Obviously it hasn't happened yet.

But I am trying to stay positive and hope for the best. It's easier to do now that we are hearing positive words from all of Brooklyn's doctors. Like what Dr. G2 said last week - that when he first saw Brooklyn, he was very worried about her and had her worked in to see Dr. M, the ear/nose/throat doctor that same day. He said that he didn't do that because we were from out of town, it was because he was quite concerned about Brooklyn. He feels like she is making great improvements and even said that if she has outgrown the laryngomalacia in June, he will release her from his care! I wonder what that will feel like!

We had a similarly good appointment with Dr. R, Brooklyn's gastroenterologist, last Tuesday. He is keeping all of her medications the same and instructed us to continue feeding her exactly the way we are now. She gets 2 baby foods a day and usually a little bit of table food. The rest of the time it is still breastmilk or her increased calorie formula. Dr. R said that we will not transition her off of formula until she is at least 15-18 months. Basically, she is gaining some weight now and staying on "her own curve" (that's what all of her doctors call it), so he doesn't want to mess with what works. Brooklyn is continuing to spit up a lot, but now swallows it most of the time. I was worried about that - but Dr. R said that there really isn't much we can do about it. Her reflux medications will keep the spitup from damaging her esophagus when she swallows it back down. Apparently that is the main concern. We see Dr. R again in 8 weeks.

Baby Bear is my tough little fighter! It makes me so proud of her to see her progressing and surprising her doctors. And the no surgery thing....what a weight lifted off our shoulders. I'm telling you, this baby girl is amazing.

Little miracles in all shapes and sizes

2009-03-24T01:52:00.007-05:00

The funny thing about this picture is that one-year-old Brooklyn is wearing a onesie that I picked out as a possible coming-home-from-the-hospital newborn outfit. It has little baby handprints on it and says "little miracle...tiny little hands." There is a hat with the same little graphic on it too. Anyway, I was shopping one day while big and pregnant and found this little outfit. I thought it was so cute...I love anything with baby handprints or footprints. I held the onesie over my belly and thought about how I couldn't wait to meet my little girl.

I thought that I was so organized and well-prepared; Brooklyn's closet and dresser drawers were filled with adorable weather-appropriate clothes for each season - springtime 0-3 month outfits, summery 3-6, fall time 6-9, warm wintery 9-12 month clothes. I added the freshly-washed "little miracle" onesie to the neatly folded stacks of clothes in her top dresser drawer.

All babies come out wearing size 0-3 months, right??? I mean, they ARE 0 months old! Come on, it makes perfect sense! The clothes tell you right there on the label how big your baby will be at each age! How smart of them!

I did not realize at that time that babies came in all sizes!

Silly me. I learned that you can't be prepared for everything! My baby girl came home from the hospital with practically nothing to wear! I had one package of Newborn size kimono-style shirts that she wore until we went shopping for Preemie clothes when she was 4 days old. She wore Preemie clothes for 2 months, then size Newborn for another 3 1/2 months. The nice part of this was I got to buy lots more baby clothes because she needed a wardrobe that would actually fit her!

Another cool thing is that not all of her clothes have ended up being the wrong season, as evidenced by my one year old wearing the 0-3 month onesie in the picture up there. It is getting warm outside and Brooklyn can now wear most of her summery 3-6 month outfits. Same season, just a year later than I thought we would use them. :)

(Oh, and by the way, a friend later talked me into choosing a more "formal" coming-home outfit for Brooklyn, a beautiful pink flowered little dress, size Newborn. Which was actually a good thing, since the above outfit obviously would have completely swallowed my brand-new Tiny One.)

One year well visit

2009-03-18T12:17:00.005-05:00

Here are Brooklyn's stats for her one year check up:

Weight - 16 pounds, 7.5 ounces (below 3rd percentile)
Length - 27 inches (below 3rd percentile)

However, Dr. A said that he is no longer worried about Brooklyn's growth the way he was last year. He said that she is staying on her own curve, and is gaining weight. So for her, this is okay. This is progress. He wanted to call it 3rd percentile, just to reassure me that Brooklyn is okay, I think, even though she is still about 2 squares below 3rd percentile on the chart. But Dr. A says we are moving in the right direction and that it is good.

Dr. A was VERY happy that Brooklyn is crawling, pulling up, and cruising. He said that about 15-20% of kids with no medical issues aren't doing all of that at her age. He said that at our last visit, he was concerned that Brooklyn might need physical therapy soon because she was lagging pretty far behind in her motor development. But now he is very happy with where she is at. Yay Baby Bear!

He looked in her mouth and said that ALL of her top teeth are about to pop through. I don't know whether this means 4 or 6 teeth....but she is definitely drooly and cranky and chewing on everything! She only has her 2 bottom teeth right now, so that will be a big change! She has a slight "head tilt" - where she always leans her head to one side a bit. This may be due to the head flattening from having to sleep in her car seat for so many months. Dr. A doesn't think it is much of anything to worry about right now, and will reevaluate it in 3 months. She may need some physical therapy to correct it if it doesn't fix itself soon. But no big deal.

We will be slowly adding more table foods as Brooklyn gets more teeth and as she can handle them without choking. She still only gets 1 or 2 baby foods a day and very little table foods. Dr. A is okay with that. We are progressing as she can handle it. She gets more calories from her milk anyway, and that is important for her. Once she can get 2-3 servings of fruits and veggies, 1 meat, and some carbs each day, we can replace her formula with whole milk. She is still breastfeeding about half of the time, and I haven't decided when I will try to wean her or if I will just let her continue until she weans herself. All of those teeth that are about to come in may help me make that decision. Eeek!

Now that we are seeing specialists, Dr. A doesn't really have much to do with or say a lot about the laryngomalacia or the reflux. He basically just defers to Dr. R (the gastroenterologist) and Dr. G2 (the pulmonologist). So he didn't say much of anything about those matters, except to make sure all of Brooklyn's meds were the same (yes), ask when our next appointments were (next week), and ask whether we knew if Brooklyn was going to have to have surgery (we don't know yet.)

Brooklyn had to get 3 shots. Poor Baby Bear. She was already tired and this made her very unhappy. She will have her *LAST* Synagis shot this Friday. I know she will be glad to be done with that. But the shots have served her well....we have stayed clear of RSV this year, thank God!!!

Dr A. said,"This is the first visit where I can say Brooklyn is doing well. I feel comfortable saying that for the first time. I'm very pleased. No 'but's' about it this time. Once she can get her malacia and reflux issues behind her, she'll be great. I want you to walk out of here feeling really good about this visit."

We took his advice! :)

Yes, it can get worse

2009-03-15T19:52:00.006-05:00

Last Friday night, my parents finally were able to talk to my baby brother a couple of days after he tried to kill himself by intentionally wrecking his car. He was very remorseful about the whole situation and seemed to have come to his senses. He told my mom that he didn't know why he had done what he did. He said that he knew that he needed to grow up. He had talked to a psychiatrist and a chaplain on base and knew he needed to get his life back together. He told my mom that he wasn't thinking about how much his actions hurt people that loved him, and apologized to my mom and dad for everything that had been going on lately. He was going to get his life back on track, he said.

My mom called me and told me about her conversation with my brother. "He sounds really good," she said. "He says he's going to call you tonight after he gets done with his extra duty. He says he knows he has hurt you too, and he wants to apologize. When he calls you, will you please listen to him and just talk to him?" I told her that of course I would talk to him.

I waited, but I never heard from him.

On Wednesday, my mom said that she needed to talk to me about my brother. She said that she had found out something on Tuesday, but didn't want to tell me then because it was Brooklyn's birthday. My little brother had attempted suicide again on Monday night by overdosing on pain pills, muscle relaxants, and psych meds. Apparently he took about 70 pills. Tuesday morning, he did not report for duty. They went into the barracks and found him in his room. His pulse was thready, he was not breathing well, and they could not wake him. They took him to the emergency room, and now he is in a psychiatric hospital at a nearby Army base.

He had left a suicide note. Part of the note said that he loved our parents very much and that he was sorry, but that he did not want to put them through everything that they had already been through with our other brother. That makes me so angry. Probably not the emotion I should feel...but come on...if you don't want them to go through all of that again, then don't do the same damn things that our other brother did! Quit with the drugs, quit hurting yourself and everyone who loves you. How the fuck is killing yourself the answer? How is that going to hurt anyone less? I don't get it. It's so damn selfish, and so stupid, and such a waste, and so sad. There is so much that I want to say to him, yet somehow there is absolutely nothing that I can say.

Happy Birthday, Brooklyn!

2009-03-10T21:58:00.009-05:00

Dear Brooklyn,

Happy first birthday, my sweet baby! You are one year old today! I write these words with disbelief because this year has passed by us so quickly. We have come so far, been through so much, and learned so many things together.

You are getting to be such a big girl! You can crawl so fast now, pull up to stand, and cruise along the furniture. You clap and wave and reach for what you want. If I leave a room, you follow me to the next room, and I love seeing the delight on your face when you find me!

You talk all of the time, you just don't say many words that we can understand yet. You make tons of different vowel and consonant sounds when you are babbling. Sometimes you and I have conversations that consist of saying "Mmmm!" back and forth to each other at different volumes and with varying inflections. Right now, your vocabulary consists of "Mama", "Dada", "Hi", "Hey", and "Bye". Yesterday, you said "Bye" for the first time and waved to your Daddy when he left for work.

During the past couple of weeks, you have really started to love story time. Sometimes you sit on the floor and look at all the pages in your books. You bring me your favorite books, sometimes two at a time! I pick you up and you lay back against me and we read your books. Tonight, you even turned the pages for me! When the story ends and I close the book, you take it and hand it back to me, and we read it again. The other day, we read one of your Baby Einstein books 15 times! You picked it out of a pile of other books each time, so I know it is special to you. Sometimes you "read" along with me, talking in your own language the entire time I'm reading to you. You are so smart, and I am so happy that you love your books now. It's yet another excuse for me to cuddle with you, and I will take all of those I can get!

You have a love for music. You dance, clap, and bounce when you hear music, even if it is just a song on a commercial. I can tell that you can feel rhythms and beats. You love all of your musical toys. Sometimes my CD's will calm you down if you get upset when we're riding in the car. You cheer and clap and raise your hands in the air with excitement when we watch American Idol. Lately, you have been "singing" along with your toys that play music. It's the cutest thing ever.

A few weeks ago, your doctors said that we could start slowly giving you some soft table foods. We have given you mashed potatoes, oatmeal, banana, yogurt, Gerber puffs, and little tiny bites of biscuit. You love it all. We put apples, oranges, tangelos, and peaches in your mesh feeder, and you devour all of the juice you can get out of the fruit. You are such a good eater so far! Once we can get you past the medical problems that make you choke so easily, and once you get more teeth, you will be able to eat so much more, and that will be so much fun. Since we started giving you food, there have only been two that you didn't like: peas and a chicken baby food mix. No picky babies here!

You are an extremely social baby! You love going anywhere that you can people-watch. Going anywhere with you is an adventure, whether it's to the grocery store or the zoo or dinner with friends. You smile and wave at everyone. Your gummy grin is the prettiest sight ever. I love watching you light up the faces of total strangers; they call you "charismatic", "friendly", "precious", "happy", and "sweet." If they only knew how true all of those words are! Not to mention all the people who stop us in public to say that you are "beautiful", "adorable", "pretty", and "gorgeous." Of course, your Daddy and I agree with those desciptions as well!

You look so different than you did when we first met you one year ago. Your hair has changed from downy baby fuzz to silky blonde big girl hair. It has grown long enough for me to give you a teeny little ponytail on top of your head. You are tiny and petite, but your arms and legs, which were so skinny at birth, now have an adorable layer of baby chubbiness covering them. You are so small for your age, but perfectly proportionate. You have the softest, squishiest, rosy-colored baby cheeks, which I could (and do!) kiss about a thousand times a day. Your blue eyes are the color of a clear, cloudless sky, with your daddy's lovely long lashes framing them. You have beautiful, milky white skin, and it is the smoothest texture my hands have ever touched. Your tiny lips are a perfect pink bow. You have two itty bitty white teeth that I can see when you laugh. When you were born, you were the most beautiful sight that I had ever beheld, and you have only become more beautiful with each passing day.

Brooklyn, you have not had the easiest first year. There have been many doctors, specialists, tests, procedures, a hospitalization, and a surgery. You have had to deal with lots of medications, that dreaded nebulizer, and plenty of shots. We have had feeding and weight gain problems all along, and we have had to feed you lots of different ways, adjust your caloric intake many times, and go for tons of weight checks. We have known about your reflux for a long time. It took many months to find out that laryngomalacia and your arytenoids were the cause of your breathing problems. We are still waiting to see whether you will have to have surgery to correct these problems. Through all of the worry and stress and fear we have endured as we have navigated this medical maze, you have been my little hero. You are so brave and strong and resilient. You amaze me, Baby Bear. You are so much tougher than anyone would ever imagine. Your bravery is greater than your delicate little body can contain. I want to be more like you...to be able to look at obstacles that are so big and scary and painful and just take them in stride. To adapt to hardships and gracefully move on like they are nothing. You are such an incredible little girl.

And there are so many things that words just can’t describe. Words never seem beautiful enough to say how my heart flutters when you smile at me. How my world becomes perfect when you lay your head on my shoulder, hold on to me and snuggle in to my chest. I can’t verbalize the beauty of your eyes or how wonderful it feels when those eyes find me and light up. There is not a word that can explain how delicious it was to hear you say "Mama" as your first word. Our language fails me when I try to describe the sweetness of your little voice when you babble and coo and laugh for me.

Brooklyn, you have changed me forever. In a way, this year has gone by so quickly. It is hard for me to comprehend that I have been your mommy for an entire year. Yet I can barely remember what my life was like before there was you. I know it wasn't this beautiful. It was never this meaningful. I have never loved this deeply or been so connected to another human being. I have never had to be so selfless. But now, it comes so naturally to put you before everything else. You are my heart, you are the air I breathe. You are everything.

Baby Bear, you are the greatest accomplishment I have could ever achieve on this earth. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the most incredible, special gift. I have wanted you forever, and now you are here with me and it is almost too wonderful to believe. I cannot thank God enough times for gracing my life with you. You are the best parts of your Daddy and I, yet you are so much your own little person. Thank you for being who you are. I am so, so proud to call you my daughter. Please don't grow up too fast. Please always make time to snuggle with mommy. Please always love me as much as I love you. I promise to be the best mommy I can for you. You deserve the best of everything in this world. I want to give it all to you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. You will always be my beautiful little Baby Bear. Happy birthday, my sweet one year old girl.

Love,
Mommy

A year in 15 pictures....look how far we've come!

A few minutes old

Brand new baby girl

Just home from the hospital

1 month

2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

And today.....ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!

Brooklyn's birth story

2009-03-09T12:27:00.003-05:00

Brooklyn will be ONE(!!!!!) tomorrow! Since today marks one year since I went into labor with her, and since I didn't have this blog back then, I thought I would post her birth story here. I wrote this when Brooklyn was about a week old.

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I am a mommy now! Brooklyn Lillyann arrived on March 10, 2008, at 3:55 a.m., exactly three weeks early.

On March 6, we went to the OB for my 36 week visit, and she told us that I was 2 1/2 centimeters dilated and 75% effaced. She said that her best guess was that the baby would come around 38 weeks.

Everyone thought it would be cool if Brooklyn was born on March 9th. See, my birthday is September 9th, Dave’s is December 9th, and we were married on April 9th. The 9th was also my 37 week mark. I had been praying that Brooklyn would hang in there until 37 weeks because at that point, she would be considered "full-term" and her lungs would be mature before she was born. I had been having a lot of contractions for weeks, and my contractions on March 9th (Sunday) seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. Dave was at work, and my mom came over. We walked the dogs around the neighborhood at about 6:45 p.m.

We got back to the house around 7:30. Soon after, I began having a lot of contractions. I began keeping track of them at about 8:10. They weren’t more painful than they had been lately, but it seemed like I wasn’t getting much of a break between them. I called Labor & Delivery at about 9:00, and a nurse told me that I just needed to drink water, lay down, take some Tylenol, etc. She didn’t seem to think that I was going into labor, but something didn’t feel right. Something was just different about these contractions.

My mom left my house at about 9:50 to go pick up my little brother from work. She kept offering to stay, but I told her that I would call her if I needed her. Within 10 minutes of her leaving, I was in a lot of pain because the contractions just wouldn’t let up. They were from 4 to 6 minutes apart, but it didn’t feel like my uterus was relaxing in between. I called Dave. He had arrested someone and was at the jail booking them in. I started crying when I tried to tell him how much I was hurting. He told me to call our OB and see what they wanted to do. My OB, Dr. K, was out of town, and one of her partners, Dr. W, called me back. She said to come to the hospital and they would monitor me to see whether or not I was in labor. I called Dave back, and he said that he would be home as soon as he could.

While I was waiting for Dave, I decided that I needed to take a shower and shave my legs (haha). I kept contracting a lot while I was showering. I caressed and cradled my belly and realized that this could be one of the last times that I could do that with Brooklyn in my tummy. I really felt like these contractions were the real thing, but it was so surreal. And I was scared. Scared of how much this might hurt, scared of how much everything was about to change, scared of how I would be as a mommy. And I started to cry. I cried hard. I stood with my head leaning against the shower wall, sobbing out loud. The water rained over me, wrapping its arms around me and washing my tears away. I got out feeling a little bit better and a little bit calmer.

It took Dave about 40 minutes to get home, and the contractions had been getting more intense during that time. Dave came straight from work in his patrol car. He used his lights and sirens to skip all the traffic lights on the way to the hospital, LOL. The last 5 minutes or so of the car ride felt like I was having one nonstop contraction.

We got to the hospital at 11:15 p.m. and were checked in through the emergency room. A nurse came and took us to labor and delivery. I was glad she brought a wheelchair, because I was having a hard time standing or walking by then. The nurse took us to our room and had me change into a hospital gown. About midnight, another nurse came and hooked me up to the contraction monitors. By that time, my contractions were about 3 - 3 1/2 minutes apart and were hurting really, really bad. The nurse checked me and said that I was between 2 and 3 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. She said that I would be checked again in an hour to see if I had progressed. I couldn’t have any pain medication because Brooklyn’s heart rate was low initially and the doctor wanted to wait and make sure she was okay.

That was a painful hour, but it actually went by pretty quickly. I was getting less than one minute to catch my breath in between contractions. My mom and little brother came to the hospital around that time. At 1:00 a.m., the nurse checked me again, and said that I was dilated to 4 centimeters. This meant that I was in active labor. She asked if I wanted an epidural; I told her that I did, but didn’t want to slow my labor down. She said that if I got the epidural now, I was far enough along that it shouldn’t slow my progress. I agreed to it. The anesthesiologist arrived at about 1:30 a.m. I was having to sit on the side of the bed while he got ready to give me the epidural, which it hurt so bad to do. The contractions felt like they were ripping me in half, and I had less than 30 seconds in between them (which isn’t even enough time to start breathing normally again.) I remember that the anesthesiologist was telling me the risks of the procedure, and I couldn’t even listen to him. I didn’t care. I was crying and begging everyone, "please, please help me!" I had been worried that the epidural would be painful, but I honestly didn’t even feel it. The medicine kicked in a little after 2:00 a.m. It was WONDERFUL. There was just one spot on my left side that didn’t numb, and I could feel the contractions there, and they radiated down my left thigh. But that was soooo much better than how I had been feeling before, it wasn’t a big deal. The nurse checked me then and said that I had dilated to 7 centimeters! Wow!!! We couldn’t believe how fast my labor was progessing! The nurses were surprised too, because long labors are expected with your first baby! They told me that if I hadn't gotten the epidural when I did, there wouldn't have been time for me to have one.

Dave put in a "Friends" DVD, I texted some friends to tell them what was going on, and put my hair in a ponytail. I felt much, much better.

At 2:45 a.m., the nurse came back, checked me, and said that I was COMPLETE! I was 10centimeters, 100% effaced, and the baby was at +1 station. We were shocked! The nurse went and called Dr. W and said that we were about to start pushing. I could tell that if I hadn’t had the epidural, I would have had an uncontrollable urge to push, because there was so much pressure.

Dr. W got to my room at 3:10 a.m. I started pushing then. They said that I was doing it perfectly, and told me that I was making all of my pushes really count, especially the last one for each contraction. They actually had to break my water after I started pushing. There was a ton of pressure, and it was really hard work, but there was really no pain. Epidurals are amazing. Dave and my mom were with me and were so supportive and wonderful. Brooklyn was born at 3:55 a.m. on March 10, 2008, after only 45 minutes of pushing!!!

They put her on my belly and Dave cut her cord. She was so little! She had this tiny, pitiful little cry, but she cried a lot. She sounded like a baby kitten. It was the most wonderful sound. She had a head full of hair and turned pink quickly!

My baby girl weighed in at 5 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 18 1/2 inches long. She has big dark blue eyes and soft, fuzzy, dark blonde hair. The nurses kept calling her a little "peanut." :) We named her Brooklyn Lillyann. Her middle name is a combination of both of my grandmother’s names, Lillie and Ann.

Childbirth was NOT nearly as bad as I had scared myself into thinking it would be. I was terrified, and I shouldn’t have been. I didn’t think that I was strong enough to get through it, and now I am so proud of myself when I think about the experience. Beginning to end, it only lasted 8 hours, and I got the greatest gift in the world for it. I would do it a million times over for her.

I am now a believer in love at first sight. She is the most beautiful, sweet baby I have ever seen. My heart feels like it’s going to explode when I think about how much I love her. I feel like I could do nothing for the rest of my life but tell her I love her, and it wouldn’t be enough. There are absolutely no words to describe it. There is nothing I could ever do in my life that would let me be deserving of such a gorgeous little miracle. Thank God for my beautiful little blessing named Brooklyn. She is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I am so head-over-heels in love.

Bad news

2009-03-09T09:05:00.001-05:00

Following my baby brother’s hearing with the Army on Wednesday, we didn’t hear from him. He was not answering his phone and wouldn’t return the text messages I sent him. Wednesday passed by with no word. Then Thursday.

I began to wonder if he really was in jail, like my dream the night before his hearing had suggested. Would anyone call my parents and tell them if this was going on?

Friday morning, my mother called me in tears. My father had called my brother’s sergeant, the one who had informed them of my brother’s failed drug tests and told them of his upcoming hearing. The sergeant said that my brother’s hearing had gone much better than expected. It was decided that he would lose one month of pay instead of two for his first offense, and would be on restriction for 15 days for the second offense. He was not being discharged for the drug use.

But.

Wednesday night, he left the base. Of course, he was on restriction, so he wasn’t supposed to leave at all. From what the sergeant said, my brother was driving his car 35+ mph over the speed limit and hit another car. On purpose. He told the police at the scene that he was trying to kill himself.

My dad initially thought that my brother was in “the psych ward,” but was it turns out, he was being kept on suicide watch on the base instead. So now, he is being discharged. It will take a month or two.

My heart is broken for him. Life will be even harder for him now. And why would he want to take his own life? Why???? I am so sad and afraid. I don’t understand. I don’t really know what else to think or say about it.

A year later....

2009-03-05T13:19:00.006-06:00

I looked back through my sparsely-updated Myspace blog today and found something that I wrote almost exactly a year ago:

I'm scared! The closer I get to the end of this pregnancy, the more aware I am of how it all has to end. I am terrified of giving birth. I'm scared to death of the pain, contractions, episiotomies, pushing the baby out, tearing, all the possible complications for the baby and for me, and all the gory aftermath of childbirth. And it's going to happen SOON. I do not feel at all ready for this. It's supposed to be easier if you relax, but I don't see any possible way for that to happen.

And then...she won't be in my belly anymore. I know she will be here...but how weird, after 9 months. A friend told me this week, "You're going to miss rubbing that belly." I hadn't really thought about how strange that will be until then. I love feeling her move around inside of me, and it will be kind of sad to not have that anymore!

I'll be a mommy then. Will I do okay? Can I love her enough? I see so many messed up people who had messed up childhoods in my line of work. I am terrified that I will do something wrong and ruin her life. I don't know if I am ready or capable. I just want to do everything right.

I love her so much already. It's hard for me to explain how afraid I am of messing up. It's like as long as she stays inside of me, she is safe, she is innocent, and I can protect her from everything. And as badly as I want to meet her and see her and hold her, it makes me feel better to be able to keep her safe for now. There is so much to look forward to, and yet so much to be afraid of. Such is my nature, I guess. Sigh.

Isn't it amazing how so much changes, yet so much stays the same. You get safely past some of your fears only to have them replaced with new, bigger things to be afraid of.

And some of them stay the same.

It seems so strange to think that this is where I was one year ago. Some days, it seems like yesterday. But when I think of everything we have been through this year and how far we have come, it seems a lifetime ago.

Consequences

2009-03-04T09:18:00.004-06:00

When I got home from work yesterday, my mother told me that my youngest brother would be having a hearing with his Colonel at 5:30 this morning to determine his future with the Army.

We learned last week that my brother failed two drug tests during the month of January. The levels on the second one were three times higher than the first.

This life cycle of an addict....I cannot understand it. The destructiveness. What seems to be determination to ruin their own lives. My baby brother is different than the brother in between us. He makes huge strides forward and does good. I have such high hopes for him. I know he is smart, sweet, loving and strong (when he isn't using) and I want only good things for him. I know he can have those things, but only if he will forever abandon the drugs. And he always goes back to them. The reality of this crushes those of us close to him, time and again. Why? WHY? Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You should have so much better.

I slept through my alarm this morning. I was not there....I was in the middle of a vivid dream.

In my dream, I am going to Huntsville to interview an inmate there. I park my car and get into a line of people waiting to cross the highway. I am in a line of military personnel. I pass by a military police officer. In front of her stands a small young man wearing a baggy green jail jumpsuit. He is handcuffed and leg ironed. He stands slumped over, defeated, and I can’t see his face. I end up standing in front of a drill sergeant and we begin to walk across the highway. I begin hearing the military police officer repeatedly say my little brother’s last name. I turn to the drill sergeant and implore him: "Please...I’m his sister...we haven’t heard anything from him and we know his hearing was this morning. Can you please tell me what happened?"

The drill sergeant gives me a confused look and motions towards the slumped over young man in the jail jumpsuit. I take a closer look at the man.

It’s my brother.

I ask him what happened. He says he is going to a military prison for two years. The tears ensue from both he and I. I walk alongside him until we get inside prison walls. I hug him goodbye and tell him I love him and to be strong.

Then I have to tell my family what happened. More tears from everyone.

I don't know if military prison is even an option in his situation. He will probably be kicked out of the Army. Perhaps the bars in my dream represent the way the drugs have trapped him.

I wake up, and it is cloudy and dreary outside. I have this ominous feeling hanging over me. I carry the gravity of the situation on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. I am so sad about the whole thing. I just want him to leave these demons behind him. I do not feel like anything good is going to happen for my baby brother today.

I hope I am wrong. But we all have to live with the decisions we make.

I hear you, baby

2009-02-28T13:10:00.006-06:00

For the past couple of weeks, Brooklyn has been sleeping in her own room, in her own big girl crib, on her Tucker sling for about 5 or 6 hours each night. Since making this transition, I have been able to come up with one "positive" about her laryngomalacia. Because of her stridor, I can hear every breath she takes on the baby monitor. Which is good for a mama who has so much anxiety about her baby's breathing. I can hear her. She is breathing. She is doing fine in her big girl crib. I will know if anything goes wrong. I would know if she stopped breathing. Plus, I have gotten so used to hearing her stridor all night long, I'm not sure I would be able to sleep without hearing it.

Sorry about the Blair Witch Project-esque shakiness of this video. My dog wouldn't quit licking my arm. Ha.

Of healing....

2009-02-24T12:11:00.006-06:00

Our friend who was in a terrible car accident remained in a coma for over a month. A couple of weeks ago, he woke up from his deep sleep. Since then, he has been moved to a rehabilitation hospital in Dallas. Each day, he gains strength. Every day, he accomplishes something new.

We have talked to him on the phone twice now. He sounds remarkably like his "old self." He has a long way to go though. He has suffered a traumatic brain injury. But the progress he has made so far is absolutely incredible. It is unbelievable that he was at death's door not even two months ago. And a month ago, no one knew if he would ever awaken from his coma. And here he is. Amazing. I have never seen such evidence of the power of prayer before.

Yesterday, on the way to my mother's house to pick up Brooklyn, I drove past the tree that our friend wrapped his truck around on that rainy December day. There are many deep gashes in it, large cuts that expose the light yellowy pulp, a stark contrast to the dark brown bark.

It is wounded. But it still stands strong. Just like our dear friend.

In time, they will both heal.

Rejected.

2009-02-20T12:05:00.004-06:00

She doesn’t want me anymore.

At least not my milk.

She refused and pushed me away when I tried to nurse her on Wednesday night. I didn’t think much of it, because she just does that every once in a while. But last night, I tried to nurse her three different times. She would not latch on at all. She just pushed my breast away and cried. She was hungry, that wasn’t the problem....she took a bottle, she ate her baby food.

So is our time breastfeeding over? I’m thinking it is. She has never refused me for an entire night. And she usually will at least latch on and nurse for a little bit before she decides she's not into it at that moment.

So last night, I sat in the corner crying while I pumped and Dave fed her baby food. I haven’t had to use that pump at home in months. Rejection. It sucks. I really didn’t think I would take this so hard. It’s probably dangerous to cry as much as I did while hooked to an electric device. But when my baby pushed me away from her with her tiny hand, it felt like my heart shattered. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional jolt. No, Mommy, I don’t need you anymore.

I know that there are things that I have looked forward to, things that I have planned on doing when I am done breastfeeding. But those things are not as important as bonding with my daughter, holding her close while my body nourishes hers. I wish I had soaked it in more. I regret how many times I typed away one-handed on the laptop or watched TV during our nursing sessions. I should have just focused on her and our closeness, because obviously it can be over just like that.

No, I’m not sure how I thought this would happen. I suppose I imagined that the weaning process would be take place over a length of time. A gradual process that I could adjust to. I didn’t think that she would just decide that she didn’t want me anymore and it would just end so abruptly. I wanted her to decide when it would end, but I didn’t think that it would be so soon or so sudden. And I did want to continue breastfeeding until we have safely made it through RSV season....another month or two. She can use all of the help she can get when it comes to avoiding that monster. Another few weeks and we would have made it past her first birthday.

Breastfeeding has never been easy for us. It has been such a struggle for us both from the very beginning. That’s a story for another day. I have worked so hard and pushed through to make it work the best I could because I know that my milk is the best thing for her. She has already had so many challenges with her health....I wanted to give her this.

And I had hoped that this experience would end sweeter than it began.

Brooklyn at the zoo!

2009-02-17T23:31:00.008-06:00

Dave and I were both off on Sunday, and it was a beautiful day outside. We decided that it would be a great day to take Brooklyn to the zoo for the first time. She LOVED the zoo! She was happy and content the entire time we were there - almost 3 hours! Her favorite creatures were the fish and the macaws. I won't bore you with my pictures of the animals, but I will show you my gorgeous Baby Bear and how much fun she had!

Peekaboo!

Looking at the animals

Hi, Mommy! I'm just chilling out and putting my feet up! What a comfy ride.

Check me out! You can see my first tooth in this pic, and my second one came through that same day!

Sweet, sweet baby girl :)

We had a good day. Little adventures like this are so much more fun with my Baby Bear around.

Rest your little head.....

2009-02-14T03:11:00.002-06:00

To sum up Brooklyn's sleeping situation, she has had to sleep in her car seat in our room since she was a couple of weeks old on the advice of her doctors. First it was because she had terrible reflux and they wanted to keep her elevated. Then when her breathing problems began, her pulmonologist told us we were to continue because her trachea would collapse down/obstruct if we allowed her to lie flat on her back to sleep. Anyway, the more she has grown, I believe she has become increasingly uncomfortable in her car seat....she can't really move around or stretch like older babies need to do. Another concern was that her car seat was flattening the back of her head. Her pulmonologist told us in December to get a Tucker sling through her gastroenterologist. A Tucker sling would allow her to sleep in her never-used crib and let her stretch and move a little more, so that hopefully she would be more comfortable. About a month ago, Hope sent me the Tucker sling that Ava had outgrown so that we wouldn't have to buy one. Then we saw her gastroenterologist and he wanted us to get the wedge for the Tucker sling. So, several weeks of phone tag with nurses and home health agencies and calls to my insurance company followed. This week we got the wedge.

Tonight, we decided to try it out for the first time. Brooklyn was really, really tired, but was freaked out by being put in the sling for the first time. We calmed her down and then moved her and the wedge to her crib. That did not go over well with her.

I understand completely. She has never, ever spent a night alone in her room. She is always right by Mommy and Daddy's bed, and sometimes even on the bed in the car seat, on the nights that my husband works overnight.

I tried my best to calm her down, and it would work until I moved the slightest bit away from her. Then she would get so upset all over again, crying her little eyes out. Which hurts a lot, because I don't want to do that to her. I guess my husband saw that I was getting emotional about it, so he told me to go take my shower and he would take care of her. I took an extra long shower...trying to get rid of the stress, I guess.

Thirty minutes passed and I returned to Brooklyn's room. She was sobbing. Sad, pitiful cries. "Nothing works," said my husband. "I can't get her to calm down. She's just angry." "She's not angry," I told him. "She's scared. She's never done this before." He left the room.

That is the thing that I really hate about the whole situation: my sweet baby is scared. She's afraid of being in her room by herself, she's afraid of being alone, she's scared of sleeping somewhere different. I don't want my Baby Bear to be scared. I don't want her to know fear. I can't stand to think of her feeling that way. The idea of it just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. And the thought that I am causing the fear...well, that's a million times worse.

I leaned over her crib and put my head against her sweaty little forehead. I wiped the tears off of her sweet, soft cheeks. She clutched the fingers on one of my hands, and I stroked her hair with my other hand. Brooklyn settled down, her stridor loud from all the crying. She drew in big, jagged gasps of air, trying to breathe normally again. At first, I tried to soothe her by just telling her that she was okay....Mommy is here....it's all right, sweet girl....I'm not leaving you.

Then I decided to tell her why she would be okay.

It's all right, sweet bear. I know it's scary, and I'm sorry. But you're such a big girl, and you're doing so good. It's hard to be a big girl, isn't it? But look at you in your big girl bed. I'm so proud of you. This is gonna make you sleep better, okay?

You're such a brave girl. I wish I was brave like you. All of the times you've had to go to the hospital and to all those doctors....all of those tests you've had to have...you've been so strong. I would have been so scared. I was so scared. But you're such a big strong girl. Did you know that? You are. I'm so proud of you, Baby Bear. I love you so much. You're my sweet baby girl. You're gonna be okay. I won't leave you. I'll be right in my room. I'll be right here when you need me. You're doing so good. You're so brave, Baby Bear.

Then I was wiping my own tears off her plush little cheeks.

I slowly moved my forehead away from hers. I gently lifted my hand off of her head, and finally set her hand down next to her side. She relaxed and released my fingers.
I crept out of her room.

And now she sleeps.

My husband smiled and excitedly pointed at the baby monitor, listening to the rhythmic sound of Brooklyn's stridor when she is asleep. "What did you do? She is out."

"We just talked a little."

I sat down on the couch and exhaled deeply. I felt relieved and somewhat accomplished, but still so sad.

Now we will see whether I can sleep with her in another room. The monitor will lie right by my pillow. I have so much anxiety about her breathing. In my mind, I have more control over it if I am right there beside my baby.

This motherhood thing. It is not for the faint of heart, is it?

My 100th Post!

2009-02-13T12:11:00.007-06:00

100 things.....

Ten things I love about Brooklyn:
1. Her beautiful smile
2. Her hilarious laugh
3. Watching her learn and discover new things
4. Snuggle time
5. When she holds my hand
6. Taking naps with her
7. Her sweet little voice, talking in a language no one else can understand
8. Her friendly personality
9. Her soft blonde hair
10. Her bravery and strength

Ten goals for myself:
1. Lose weight
2. Be happy
3. Be the best mommy Brooklyn could ask for
4. Be a good wife
5. Organize more
6. Be more patient
7. Worry less/Be more optimistic
8. Be more active
9. Spend more time with the friends I have
10. Make new "mommy friends"

Ten "addictions":
1. Coca-Cola
2. My iPod
3. Taking pictures
4. Google Reader
5. Baked Doritos
6. Facebook
7. The Office
8. Pineapple
9. Blogging
10. Lipstick

Ten things I like to spend my money on:
1. Anything that makes Brooklyn smile. Anything that would look cute on her. Anything for her, really :)
2. Music
3. Educational toys
4. Anything PINK (a girl can never have too much pink)
5. MAC eyeshadow
6. Lotions and perfumes
7. New healthy/low-fat foods
8. Picture frames
9. Scrapbooking stuff (that I never get around to using)
10. Getting Brooklyn's pictures done

Ten places I want to visit:
1. Hawaii
2. Cayman Islands
3. Bahamas
4. Vegas
5. Italy
6. Australia
7. New York City
8. Ireland
9. Switzerland
10. Iceland

Ten things I love about my husband:
1. His eyes
2. His great sense of humor
3. That he is the best friend I've ever had
4. That he loves to surprise me
5. But that he usually ruins all of the surprises because he can't wait to tell me! It's so funny.
6. His dedication to his goals
7. How easy he is to talk to
8. That he is a sweet and fun Daddy to Brooklyn
9. His smile
10. His devotion and love for me. I trust him 1,000,000%.

Ten favorite foods:
1. Enchiladas
2. Eggplant Parmesean
3. Spinach
4. Fiesta Lime Chicken
5. Mac and Cheese
6. Pineapple
7. Queso
8. Garlic butter shrimp
9. Bartlett pears
10. Shivers from TCBY

Ten baby items we ~~couldn't~~ wouldn't want to do without:
1. Peanut Shell sling
2. BabyLegs
3. All things Gymboree! It's a sickness, really.
4. BebePod seat
5. Exersaucer
6. Trumpette socks
7. Fisher Price baby piano toy
8. Fisher Price Aquarium
9. Robeez shoes
10. Lullaby GloWorm!

Ten qualities I ~~envy~~ admire in others:
1. Self-confidence
2. Optimism
3. Unshakable faith
4. Entrepreneurship
5. Creativity
6. Resilience
7. A peaceful spirit
8. Patience
9. Musical ability
10. Quick wit

Ten reasons that I am happy I started a blog:
1. My bloggy friends GET ME.
2. They offer me advice.
3. Or they just listen.
4. They are going through many of the same things as I am.
5. And that makes me feel like I'm not alone.
6. It's given me a place to just be me.
7. I can fret and vent and cry and say what I really feel.
8. I can do all of that and not be judged for it.
9. I can show off my beautiful Baby Bear.
10. It's helped me enjoy writing again!

Robot Baby

2009-02-10T00:17:00.006-06:00

So I got some exercise 3 days last week....I got to take Brooklyn out on walks since the weather was nice. But tonight, it was raining, so no walks for us. I got all motivated and decided that I would try our mommy and baby workout DVD. Brooklyn was fed, changed, and bathed, so I figured it was a good time to give it a shot.

Okay. So first of all, I really don't think that I like the host lady. Is that really your six-month-old baby? Workout Lady, you are completely spandex-clad and tight and toned. It's probably to give us flabby mommies something to work toward, or to make us think that the video workout is going to morph us into cute little fit and taut mamas. Honestly, it just makes me feel even fatter and grosser than I already did. Workout Lady's baby is younger than mine. And she looks awesome. I look disgusting. Damnit, Workout Lady! How are you so much better than me?

I told myself to get over my inadequacies and just do the damn workout. Workout Lady sat there telling me about the DVD with her baby sitting happily in her lap, munching on his paci and occasionally grinning and cooing sweetly for the camera. Brooklyn did not follow the baby's lead. She screamed when I tried to sit her in my lap like Workout Lady was doing with her baby. Then she started crawling around, pulling on cords, splashing in the dog's water, throwing Daddy's X-box games, eating the remotes, and headbutting her reflection in the entertainment center.

In between chasing my super-active daughter around, I heard Workout Lady say that I needed to watch this little segment that would teach me some of the basic moves that are used throughout the video. I decided to put Brooklyn in her exersaucer for a few minutes so that I could learn the moves before we did our workout together. This did not go over well. Brooklyn did NOT want to be in the exersaucer. She much prefers tearing the house to pieces. At first she was throwing a big fit. Then she decided that she would just make as much noise as she could so that I could not hear Workout Lady guiding me through the moves. I could see Workout Lady's mouth moving, but all I could hear was Brooklyn yelling as long as she could, over and over. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" No tears. Just very loud, non-stop yelling.

Okay, fine, Brooklyn, you win, I thought. Let's just try the workout together and I will try to wing it on these pilates and yoga moves.

The workout begins. Workout Lady starts with some breathing exercises. She tells me to breathe in and out and feel my body relax. Feel the stress leave my body. I actually laughed out loud because at that point, Brooklyn was screaming and thrashing in my arms. I felt anything but relaxed as she pulled my hair and wailed. I did NOT feel the stress leaving my body.

Then I learned that Workout Lady is not the mommy of any ordinary baby. No, she is the proud mother of Robot Baby! Robot Baby loves to work out with his mommy. He is so happy to have her lift him up and down and back and forth and use him as a human weight. Robot Baby has so much fun when his mommy sits him on her thigh while she does "Flamingo Kicks." Robot Baby coos with delight when his mommy lays him on the floor and plays with him while she does yoga stretches over him. I suppose it is only fitting that perfect Workout Lady would have given birth to such a perfect little well-behaved and adaptable Robot Baby.

I do not have a Robot Baby. Brooklyn was very angry at the idea that I would use her as a human weight. She screamed at me even though I kissed her every time I brought her face to face with me. She was very upset when I laid her on the floor and tried to play with her while doing the yoga stretches. She cried and rolled over and cried some more. The only part she liked was when I was holding her against my body. But unfortunately, you can't do much of the workout that way. And that made Brooklyn very, very mad at me. I don't get it. Robot Baby loved it.

So I gave up, 5 minutes into the DVD. I turned the TV off and collapsed on the couch with my ticked off daughter. I am stressed out and frustrated and have not done anything to help get rid of the nasty fat that covers my body. I am angry at myself and annoyed with Brooklyn. And I feel guilty for being so annoyed at Brooklyn. Whatever. Fine. Great. I'll just be a fat disgusting slob for the rest of my life. Why can't I be like Workout Lady? She was so happy and skinny and a great mommy. She didn't get mad at her baby. How did she make him so happy? I suck. I'm fat and I suck.

I don't know if I will torture myself by trying this again tomorrow.

Maybe Robot Baby could have a talk with Brooklyn?

(Oh - on a totally unrelated note...my next post will be post #100! Any ideas?)

Fatty McFatpants

2009-02-06T12:16:00.004-06:00

Yesterday at work, I started having the nosebleed from hell. It was horrible...I have never had anything like it before. I had been having nosebleeds for the past couple of days, but had attributed it to the fact that several buildings right by my workplace had burned down this week and our building was smoky. Anyways, my hubby had already been on my case trying to get me to go to the doctor before the nosebleed from hell, so he really freaked out when that happened. He made me promise to go to the doctor right then. I still didn't really want to, but then I started coughing up blood. Okay, fine. I decided that Dave was right and that it was worth a call to my doctor.

The nurse said that if I would leave work right then, she would make sure I was worked in. So I did.

My doctor's verdict? Sinus infection. She said it is the most common cause of nosebleeds. Now, I have no medical training of any sort, but if I have a sinus infection, shouldn't my sinuses hurt? Shouldn't I be congested? I have nothing of the sort. I really don't think I have one and don't want to take the antibiotics she prescribed. Is that stupid? I don't know. I had another horrible nosebleed when I got up this morning, so my hubby is picking up the medicine.

So. To the point of my "Fatty McFatpants" post. The nosebleeds were not the most upsetting part of my day yesterday. At the doctor's office, I weighed 19 pounds more than I did the last time I came to see her...which was 5 weeks postpartum!!! I weight what I did the week that I gave birth! I weigh more than I ever have in my life! What the hell???!!! Why am I such a disgusting fatass???? How could I have possibly gained all of that in nine and a half months???? And I should weigh less than that now - for heaven's sake, I had just had a baby last time I was there! I am so angry and frustrated with myself. So disgusted. And I just don't get it.

Beating up on myself was not enough though....my doctor wanted to talk about my weight too. She kept saying that is was "very bad" for me to weigh what I do. That I have to get this off because "that's just not Amanda." She asked me about my diet and didn't see any problems there since I eat healthy almost all of the time. I'm sure all the Cokes I drink don't help....but damnit, I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep most days. She said that she thinks my main problem is physical inactivity. I told her about my frustrations with trying to exercise. That it was too hot to get Brooklyn out for walks in the summer and it made her breathing worse. Then we had about two nice weeks and then it was too cold to get her out and we cannot afford for her to get sick. How I can't do an exercise video because if I set Brooklyn down and move a foot away from her, she screams like her world is ending. My doctor's response? "Well, you're just going to have to do it."

Gee, thanks. You're so helpful.

Then she guilted me further by saying that I have to lose weight because she doesn't want Brooklyn to grow up in a house where everyone is overweight. And discussed how bad that is for children.

I KNOW!!!! I am TRYING! I absolutely hate myself for the way I look right now! I am sickened every time I look in the mirror or look down at my gigantic stomach and thighs. I am such a gross, nasty, fat pig. I hate, hate, hate, hate myself for it. But I don't know what to do. Somebody help me.

Showing off

2009-01-31T00:25:00.008-06:00

Well, I never could get Blogger to let me upload my video of Brooklyn's first time crawling. Disappointing, I know! But she still wanted to show y'all all of her newfound skills....

"Hey everybody! It's me, Brooklyn! I am learning so much cool stuff lately!

It's so fun to keep my Mommy and Daddy on their toes.

Look, I can crawl!"

"I can pull myself up!" "I can stand up with a little help. When somebody holds my fingers, I can walk around, too!"
"And I am probably about to get my second tooth!"
"OH - and I learned how to clap yesterday, so I can help Mommy and Daddy cheer for all the great things I am learning to do!

According to Mommy, I am also getting cuter everyday.

Whew! It's a lot of work being a baby!

Wow!
I sooooooo rock."

A weighty problem

2009-01-27T16:08:00.007-06:00

At Brooklyn's gastroenterologist appointment on January 20, she weighed 14 pounds, 15.7 ounces. This was up only 12 ounces from her appointment on December 2. So...7 weeks and only 12 ounces gained. You know that 3rd percentile line on the growth charts? The one that we had fought so hard to get her on? Yeah. She's below it again. Back to being off the charts.

I don't really understand why this is, she seems to eat well. We can only give her baby food once per day because baby food has less calories per ounce than formula or breastmilk. We are still increasing the calories in her formula to 30 per ounce instead of 20. We add extra formula powder to her bottles for the calories, plus 1 1/2 teaspoons of rice cereal per ounce to thicken it to a "nectar" consistency.

Now, I will say that the more active she has gotten, the worse her reflux has become. With rolling over, sitting, bouncing, standing, and now crawling, it has just gotten worse and worse. She spits up constantly while she's playing, so much so that I usually have multiple burp cloths around at play time and usually let her just play in her sleepers instead of nice clothes. And I always have to change her clothes afterwards, they are just soaked. We are talking usually 10+ big spit-ups every time she is on the floor for playtime, regardless of whether she ate 30 minutes before or 3 hours before. I wonder how much of the failure to gain weight is related to the volume of food she is spitting up.

I know that some parents have told me that their babies' cases of reflux improved once they could sit upright, that they were able to keep things down once they could sit themselves up. That seems logical, yet we are experincing the opposite. I don't know if moving around could be putting that much extra pressure on her stomach and causing the spitting up. That doesn't seem right, especially at 10 1/2 months. She ought to be outgrowing this by now, right??? Her stridor tends to get a lot louder when she is excited and playing. I know this is normal with laryngomalacia. It has always been the case with her. But could the spitting up be related to that as well???

As usual, I have so many questions and no answers. It's hard because I feel like a good mom wouldn't keep having all of these problems, I should just know how to fix it all for my little Baby Bear. I worry about what the doctors think of a mother who has a child with "failure to thrive" and "feeding problems" and can't seem to make any progress in making it better.

Moving forward!

2009-01-23T11:37:00.003-06:00

Brooklyn started crawling to me when I came home from work last night! It was so exciting! We know that she has been wanting to crawl for a while now, she just couldn't. Hooray for Baby Bear! She does a few strides forward and is working sooooo hard at it....you can tell by her breathing....then she sits up and puts her hands in the air and waits for us to say "Yippee! Yay, Brooklyn!"

She is so proud of herself. It's awesome to watch. And it's encouraging to see her hitting her motor milestones, even if she is behind on them. We were not sure that she would ever actually crawl. So this is great.

I think I have forgotten to post that Brooklyn also cut her first tooth on January 7, just a few days shy of turning 10 months old. And she pulled up to stand on January 17. This has been a HUGE month for her so far, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it!

I tried to post the video from last night of her crawling, but the computer isn't cooperating with me right now. I'll try again later...it's just too cute to miss :)

New 'dos for the girls

2009-01-19T00:47:00.015-06:00

Whatcha think? It's five or six inches shorter and oh-so-much lighter feeling!

I think I like it.

Brooklyn has a new hairstyle too.

It's much cuter than mine.

Here's her first ponytail!

And two minutes later....

Fingers crossed....

2009-01-16T12:55:00.005-06:00

I called Brooklyn's pediatrician on Wednesday and talked to the nurse. At first she told me to bring Brooklyn in, but then changed her mind and said that she didn't think that Brooklyn needed to be seen yet. She told me to watch for fever and wheezing, and if either of those things started, then Brooklyn would need to be seen. As far as the fever goes, it hasn't gone above 99.5. She is coughing, sneezing, has a runny nose and watery eyes. She is pretty cranky. Would someone please tell me how I am supposed to know if my baby is wheezing since she is already a noisy breather due to her laryngomalacia? Sigh.

She doesn't seem to be getting any sicker, so hopefully she will get over it this weekend. I am scared that it will worsen over the weekend. I probably should have just insisted that the pediatrician see her, just for peace of mind about the RSV situation if nothing else.

Anyway. My fingers and toes are crossed that it just goes away.

Baby Bear is 10 months old now. How incredible is that? Double digits, baby girl!

Oh, and on another note, I get to go have my hair done tomorrow. My mom is coming so that she can hold Baby Bear while I am getting my haircut. It's been 6 months since I even got it trimmed. I miss having time to do things like that to take care of myself. I'm not a high maintenance girl by any means, but I appreciate the little things that just make me feel a little bit better about myself, like painting my nails, or trying out a new hairstyle, or putting on more makeup than just powder and lipstick (the bare minimum....so that I don't scare people.) Those things that I can never find time for anymore. You know? I'm not sure what kind of cut I am going to get, but I need a change. Maybe something that won't make my face look so fat? Something that will minimize my 18 chins? I can hope for it.

Paranoid mama?

2009-01-14T12:24:00.005-06:00

Brooklyn was coughing all morning. And it didn't sound like the normal, harmless cough she usually has when she coughs. It sounded all rattly, like she's trying to cough up something. And she was doing it a lot. I ctalked to my mom a little while ago and my mom said she is still coughing.

I am freaking out over here. I am so terrified of RSV. Please please please PLEASE don't get RSV, Baby Bear.

So if I call the pediatrician, and tell them that Brooklyn has a bad cough but nothing else seems to be wrong so far, is that stupid? Can they even do anything? Will they see her? Or am I just being the high-strung-always-worried-petrified-of-RSV-paranoid mommy?

The other side of her

2009-01-13T12:30:00.003-06:00

So, I have this coworker who I USED to be very close friends with. I will call her Amy. She started working here about nine months before I became pregnant with Brooklyn. I helped her learn her job and was a friend to her when she wasn't fitting into the little clique on her floor. We went out to lunch and ran errands together a lot. We started walking around downtown together during our lunch hour to get some exercise. We hung out at work every day and talked on the phone most days too.

By the time I got pregnant with Brooklyn, Amy was one of my closest friends. She was one of the first people to find out the night I got my BFP. She was so excited with me, she screamed with happiness and talked on and on about how great it was going to be. "Oh my God," she said. "I can't wait. We're going to throw you a baby shower. We'll have so much fun shopping for baby clothes. We'll paint a big smiley face on your belly and take pictures of it. I want to hold the baby and give the baby a bottle. This is going to be so much fun!"

And it was. Amy calmed my first trimester freakout fears. She helped me decorate Brooklyn's nursery. She did co-host my baby shower. She bought us an expensive baby gift, even when I told her not to. I invited her to be one of the 10 people we could bring to my 3D sonogram.

I was there for her too. I babysat her son. My husband went to her son's "Grandfriends" day at school with him because he didn't have an adult besides Amy to be there with him. She was going through a lot of problems with her son's father and a major custody battle ensued. Her son started having behavioral problems. I was her support. She would always call me to cry and vent and yell about her ex, her son, and other things too.

Amy was at the hospital to see Brooklyn within hours of her birth. She came to see her the next day, also. We had to go to my office to fill out some paperwork when Brooklyn was a week old. Amy held her for an hour and wouldn't let anyone else take a turn. But then, my maternity leave had begun, and I stopped hearing from Amy. I think she called me two or three times for the entire twelve weeks that I was off. During those conversations, she would tell me that she was going to come over. But she never did. And I needed her. We were having such a hard time. Brooklyn had feeding and weight gain problems. Then the reflux started. Then the respiratory problems kicked in, and we didn't know what was wrong with her. I was terrified. I needed her. I couldn't understand why Amy wasn't there for me anymore.

It's true that the phone works both ways. But I was in the throes of postpartum depression. I isolated myself. I couldn't reach out to anyone. Amy is actually the only friend that I told about my PPD. But she still wasn't there.

When I came back to work, things were not the same between Amy and I. We talked, but not as often, and it was just different. We went out to lunch occasionally. We didn't see each other outside of work.

Then, at the end of July, Brooklyn became very ill and was hospitalized for several days. I talked to Amy for a few minutes after Brooklyn was admitted. She didn't come visit. She didn't call to check up on Brooklyn.

Amy came to my office the day after Brooklyn got to come home from the hospital. "So," she said, "You never called me. What's going on with the baby?" I was hurt by the fact that she hadn't even checked on us. I said, "She's home. She's getting better. I never heard from you, so...." Amy got mad and said something about the fact that I could have called. I told her that I was busy taking care of a very sick baby. She acted all taken aback and stormed out of my office. A few minutes later, I sent her a message saying that I didn't understand what she was mad about. She sent back a long reply that she wasn't mad, she was disappointed. That she had done so much for us, and she couldn't believe that I could act this way. That she was angry that I hadn't called her to babysit when she had offered to do so. That I had used her. She said that she knew what it was like to have a very sick child, but that the way I was acting was unexcusable. That I had treated her badly, she didn't appreciate it, and she damn sure wasn't going to take it.

I replied back that I had not used her, that I had been there for her too, that I didn't understand where all this was coming from. She never answered me.

Amy has not spoken to me since. In fact, she has refused to even look at me since then. Even when I have brought Brooklyn by the office to visit a couple of times. She has ignored me, turned around, and walked out of the room. I knew that Amy is a bitter person with a lot of hurt. I knew that she had a quick temper and an angry tongue and got into a lot of confrontations. A lot of people we work with don't like her because of that. But before all of this, she had never been that way to me. She had been a good friend to me.

I really don't understand what happened. And I don't know what to do. It still hurts me. I do miss her. I have thought about apologizing, but honestly, I never so much as said a cross word to her. I don't know what I could possibly have done that would warrant an apology. I have thought about going upstairs to her office and telling her I want to talk the whole thing out and make it all okay again. I've thought about asking her to lunch and telling her I want to put this all behind us. But now it's been over five months since we have spoken. And maybe that's just too long. I don't know if I should just leave things the way they are now. I wonder if all of this should tell me that Amy isn't the kind of person I should be friends with. I don't know what to do. Is it over for good? Why is it so hard for me to have and keep any true friends?

Boredom killer personality quiz

2009-01-11T21:00:00.003-06:00

I took this personality test to kill some time while Brooklyn is laying here napping in my arms (Thanks, Liz!) It's frighteningly accurate. It even included my job and degree (social work) as ones that are appropriate for people with my personality type. If you decide to take it, let me know so that I can snoop on your results too!

ISFJ - The "Defender"

ISFJs are traditional, loyal, quiet and kind. They are very sensitive to other people's needs because they are very observant. They have rich inner thoughts and emotions. They value stability and cultural norms. They are very adept at giving attention to detail. They do not seek positions of authority.

About the ISFJ -
"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life."
- ISFJ Profile (TypeLogic)"modest, not confrontational, easily hurt, observer, prone to crying, not spontaneous"
- Jung Type Descriptions (ISFJ) (similarminds.com)"ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after..."
- Portrait of an ISFJ (The Personality Page)
"The primary desire of the Protector SJ is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security."
- The Portrait of the Protector Guardian (iSfJ) (Keirsey)"At work, ISFJs contribute loyal, sympathetic, consistent, and considerate service to others. They are know for their kindness and for their willingness to go to any length to help those in need. They take the practical needs of people into account when they do their work, and their strong follow-through skills allow them to carry out organizational goals. They do at least what is expected to them and oftentimes more, without attracting attention to themselves. They are painstaking and responsible with detail and routine, and feel it is important to have the right things in the right places at the right times."
- ISFJ - The Nurturer (Lifexplore)

Sleepless nights

2009-01-07T16:11:00.003-06:00

For a while there, Baby Bear was sleeping through the nights pretty well. She would sleep about 7 or 8 hours, only waking a few times to fuss until we put her paci back in her mouth.

We have regressed. Oh Lord, have we ever regressed. Over the past three days, I think I have had about 7 or 8 hours of sleep total.

I know one problem we have been having is that Brooklyn has been really constipated. I have no idea why, because nothing changed with her diet or her meds. But anyways, she went a week without "going" until I finally had to give the poor baby a suppository on Monday and oh, what a fun experience that was for both she and I :(. So over the past week or so, she would wake up a lot, screaming and grunting and straining. Poor thing.

My mom thinks, and I am starting to agree, that Brooklyn's other sleep problem is that she is sick of sleeping in her car seat. My mom feels like Brooklyn is uncomfortable and wants to be able to stetch out and move around while she is sleeping, and obviously she can't do that when she is belted into one position. She sleeps much more restfully when she takes naps. She will only nap if she is being held.

Brooklyn also will not go to sleep before at least 1 or 2 in the morning. I do NOT know why. But we can't seem to change this. We try to put her to bed before this, but she just fights and fights it.

I wonder if when I get the Tucker sling, if Brooklyn's transition to her crib will be any easy one. I kind of think it can't be much worse than her sleep habits right now, but who knows.

As far as my lack of sleep, the nights when my husband works overnight security are the worst, because it is just me to get her to sleep, and just me to get up with her. No tag team. For example, here is how last night went...it was worse than usual:

10:45 - Last dose of meds. She has to wait 30 minutes to eat. We played for 30 minutes.
11:15 - Last nursing session and formula supplement
11:30 - Snuggle time, rocking, singing, whatever, to try to get her to sleep. She will calm down for a little bit, then decide she wants to sit up, squirm, get mad, pull my hair, scream, slam her head backwards into my chest or face repeatedly...you get the idea. This goes on for an hour or so.
12:40 - Now she's got a really wet diaper. Diaper change.
12:45 - Try to hold her close and get her to sleep again. She just gets mad. So I figure I will just try putting her in the carseat. This does not go over well. Cry, cry, cry, scream. I take her into my bedroom and put her carseat on the bed and lay next to her. She holds onto my hand and I rock the carseat with my other hand.
1:15 - She's asleep.
1:30 - Every time I try to move my hand off her, she wakes up and starts screaming. She pulls my fingers to her with one hand and grabs by forearm with her other hand. I need to put on my PJ's and take my contacts out and brush my teeth. Oh well. I guess I'll do it later.
1:45 - I doze off for a bit.
2:05 - I really have to pee. I gently take my hand off her and before I can even roll over to get out of bed, Brooklyn is screaming her head off. I take out my contacts while I'm in the bathroom, because she is already throwing a huge fit, and I don't want to have to do this again in an hour or so.
2:10 - Cry cry cry cry...rocking, singing (in the carseat).
2:30 - She falls asleep again.
2:50 - The dogs (in the living room) start barking for what seems to be absolutely no reason. And. They. Won't. Stop. Barking. Brooklyn wakes up, crying.
2:55 - I get pissed and put them outside. Well, I put my pug outside...but my dachshund runs away and it's dark and I have no contacts and I can't find/catch her. I get madder and give up.
3:00 - Rocking, soothing, stroking Brooklyn's face, etc., while she cries.
3:10 - She's back asleep. I doze off too (hand still on her, of course).
3:40 - My pug, who has been barking outside the whole time, still for no reason, starts scratching really loud to be let in on the door right by our bedroom. I finally get up and let her in because it's cold out. Since my hand is no longer on Brooklyn, she cries. The dogs start running around chasing each other. I shut the bedroom door so they can't come in there anymore.
3:55 - Brooklyn's back asleep. Me too.
5:00 - Dogs barking again for no reason. Wakes me up, but only wakes Brooklyn up for a quick second, and she calms down when I give her her paci.
5:30 - Hubby gets home from his security job. I wake up for a minute.
5:45 - Hubby gets into bed. To do so, he must move Brooklyn's carseat off his side of the bed, thereby taking my hand off of her. She screams and cries. He rocks her carseat until she goes back to sleep.
5:55 - Everyone's back to sleep.
6:10 - My alarm goes off.

Somebody help me. Please.

Quickly....

2009-01-05T13:07:00.005-06:00

Just a few things before I have to get back to work. (Sigh)

***************
Our friend who was in the car wreck is still fighting. He is starting to show some improvement...he's still in a "moderate coma" in the trauma ICU, but has been responding to some stimulation the past couple of days. He wiggled his toes on command, squeezed his mother's hand on command, and gave his family a "thumbs up" when asked to. He has come so far in a week. Baby steps. As long as he is moving forward it is such a great thing. He squeezed my hand a couple of times the other night as well. His nurse cautioned us that he may never wake up any more than he is now. But the improvements over the past few days have given everyone hope. He is not gone, he is in there somewhere...

****************
Family drama this weekend. My brother was arrested yesterday. He is now in jail and nearly took my other (baby) brother with him. Stupid decisions on both their parts. They both refuse to let go of the drugs. It seems as though nothing ever really changes with them. Any time that it seems that they might have moved on or grown up, we are right back here again. Although my youngest brother was not arrested, the military will likely find out what has been going on, and he will pay for it then.

I may write more on this later. I get so frustrated and disappointed in him. I know he can do better. The one who is sitting in jail right now...I don't think that he will ever stop living the life that he is living. He has let drugs take everything from him and still won't stop. Homeless. Jobless. Every problem that he has, he has created with his drug use. It's a terrible thing to say that you have given up on someone, but in his case, I have. He is not the brother I grew up with. That person is gone.

The youngest one could do so much better. I have so much hope for him. It breaks my heart that he keeps doing this to himself. He has so much to lose.

*****************
Dave and I have both had a nasty cold/sore throat/sinus thing. Brooklyn has managed not to catch it so far, hopefully she will keep fighting off all these nasty winter bugs.

I will write a better post soon.

Back to work now.

Why?

2008-12-30T12:02:00.003-06:00

Just down the road from where I sit, one of our dear friends lies in a hospital bed in a deep coma. A terrible car wreck on Saturday afternoon caused a very serious brain injury. Now he lies there, completely still, hanging on to life with machines performing every vital function for him. His brain continues to swell and bleed. They can no longer use the medications that were reducing the pressure inside his skull. This morning, a neurosurgeon told his family that his brain was too badly bruised and swollen to perform surgery. The doctor said that he is now "in God's hands."

In God's hands, indeed. We have been to the wreck site, we have seen the pictures of the mangled truck he was trapped inside. It is miraculous that he made it to the hospital, that he survived his surgery to repair his internal organs that day, and that he has made it through three long days so far. He is strong, and he is in the fight of his life right now. The fight FOR his life.

I have a hard time believing that the God I love would let him suffer through the last three days just to take him from us. Or to not let him wake back up again. The doctors aren't giving his family a whole lot of hope. IF he makes it through, they say...IF he wakes up...he will probably never be the same again. That's a lot for them to take. To hear these things about their eighteen-year-old son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend. To see him lying in a hospital bed with so many wires and tubes running in and out of his body, a drastically swollen version of himself. To spend so many hours in the ICU waiting room and hallway, unable to see their loved one. Waiting for any report, not knowing what is going on behind those locked double doors that lead to his room. We have spent a great deal of time at the hospital since Saturday afternoon. It is the least that we can do, to give them support and hugs, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. There are so many tears from so many loved ones. It weighs heavy on my soul.

My husband and I have been able to see him twice. I have held his hand and told him to keep fighting and that we love him. I have prayed over him with a complete stranger. Visitation is five times per day, fifteen minutes each time. It is overwhelming how many people line up to see this young man every time visitation rolls around. A flock of 50, 60, 70 people, filing in and out, three at a time. So much love, such a big family, and so many friends. I know why. He is a good kid. He is outgoing, he has a big smile, a great sense of humor, a helping hand, and a sweet spirit.

Please pray with me. He is in God's hands. So...I pray that God's hands will carry him and his entire family through this and bring him back to us.

Catching up...

2008-12-25T03:06:00.000-06:00

Brooklyn and I were out of town for a few days and I had no internet access (gasp!!!). So I am terribly behind on both blog reading and posting. Google Reader says I have 460 posts to catch up on??? Oh my. Not good. So...I'm going to try to catch you up on what has been going on around here....

9 month well check
******************
Brooklyn saw Dr. A on Friday the 19th. She weighed 14 pounds, 9.5 ounces (still on that 3rd percentile line! Woohoo!). She was 27 inches long (25th percentile). Get this...that means that she has grown 2 inches in 2 1/2 weeks...how crazy is that? 2 1/2 weeks ago at her appointment with Dr. R, Brooklyn was barely 25 inches, which was 3rd percentile. A week and a half later, at Dr. G's, she was nearly 26 1/2. Now...another week later...27! She is growing!

Dr. A's nurse listed off a bunch of milestones and asked whether Brooklyn had met them yet. The answer was "no" for most of the motor milestones. I think the only 2 that we could say "yes" to were sitting up and pincer grasp. No creeping, no crawling, no pulling up to stand, no standing unassisted. However, she is doing great on all of the verbal milestones. Basically Dr. A said that we are just going to have to watch her closely. If she isn't crawling by 10 or 11 months, not standing by 11 or 12 months, then she may need some therapy to help her catch up. He said that her motor development is below average at this point, but "on the cusp of what's considered okay." This worries me. But we'll wait and see what happens. She has been through a lot and there are obviously medical reasons why she is behind.

Brooklyn also does not have any teeth yet. Dr. A said that studies have recently been published that show that babies who are have both slow dental development and slow motor development eventually catch up 100%. They don't know why yet, but there seems to be some kind of correlation. He said that based on this study, the fact that she hasn't cut any teeth is actually reassuring.

The only shot she had to get was her monthly Synagis (RSV vaccine). No other immunizations. I'm sure she appreciated that.

Dr. A also thought that Brooklyn's breathing was starting to sound better! Yay!

Houston Pre-Christmas
***********************
Brooklyn, my mom, and I went to Houston to visit family from Saturday until Tuesday. Dave couldn't get off work to go with us. Boo!

Anyway, my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins all live in Houston. My grandparents are the only ones who had met Brooklyn before. Everyone else was dying to see her. She did GREAT on Saturday and Sunday...she let my grandmother, aunt, cousins, and my cousin's daughter hold her and she didn't scream at all! For the past month or two, she will scream her head off if anyone besides me, Dave, or her grandmothers hold her. But we were having a Christmas miracle or something on those two days...she was in an amazingly good mood and would allow anyone to hold her! The nearly five hour car ride down there was also relatively painless!

Monday and Tuesday were not as wonderful. Brooklyn wanted me and only me and was doing her typical scream-bloody-murder-if-mom-puts-me-down-for-one-second. She did not sleep much at all during the nights...which makes for a grumpy, fussy, screaming baby and a grumpy mommy who is short on patience. The ride back home took six hours (damn Houston traffic) and was not so much fun. She did finally take a 2 1/2 hour nap, and we were all ready for it by then. I basically played single parent during the four-day trip and it was TOUGH.

All in all though, we had a great visit in Houston. I had not seen most of my relatives since last Christmas and I had missed them so much! We got to spend every day with them and it was good times :)

Christmas plans
*****************
The presents are wrapped and under the tree. We will celebrate Christmas with just the three of us here at our house in the morning. We will go to my parent's house to have Christmas with them in the afternoon. My baby brother is on leave from the Army for two weeks and it's always good to have him around. On Friday, we will do Christmas Part 3 with my hubby's family.

I am excited about it all. :)

I'm off to bed...big day tomorrow! Google Reader will have to wait some more.

Merry Christmas to All

2008-12-25T02:03:00.004-06:00

Christmas means more to me this year.

Not that I have been a Scrooge or anything in years

past. It's been more like I have just going through the motions. The joy has not really been there for quite some time.

But this year is Brooklyn's first Christmas.

I am so excited for her, and so ready to experience the holiday with her.

I sing her Christmas songs, I show her the ornaments on the tree. I took her to a Christmas Eve church musical tonight.

I think about what it must be like to see it all through her little eyes.

It matters more. Everything matters more.

I have been given so much this year. I don't need any other gifts.

I love you, Baby Bear!!!!

Merry Christmas to all of our friends!!!

The List

2008-12-17T17:08:00.001-06:00

When Brooklyn is all finished with breastfeeding, I will:

1. Diet. Lose some weight. And I will take some diet pills if I want to! In fact, I will probably take every diet pill I can find (Yes, I'm exaggerating there). I am so grossed out by my fat ass right now. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Hate it.

2. Get my tattoo! I'm so excited about it. I'm going to get Brooklyn's footprints from the day she was born on my back. I don't have any tattoos yet. I have always wanted to get one, but could never think of something that I truly wanted on my body forever. My baby's tiny first prints are perfect. I know that I will never regret that.

3. Get my draaaaank on. Come on, it's been a year and a half :)

4. Shrink back down on top. I HOPE. Not that they were ever small.

5. Take medicine when I don't feel good. It's been quite a while since I could take much of anything besides Tylenol.

6. Say "Adios" to the big old hospital grade pump I've been lugging back and forth from the office every day for the past six months! Along with that...I won't have to schedule pumping time twice a day at work.

7. Be kind of sad. After all, there is only one time in life that you get to bond with your baby in that way. When it's over, you can't go back to it. I've struggled so, so, so hard to make it work for us. It was not this easy, natural thing that just happened for us like I thought it would. And our situation may not be ideal...she is not exclusively breastfed. We have had to supplement with formula from the very beginning because of feeding problems and her weight. But we have worked so hard and pushed through all of the obstacles so that she could have as much of the very best nutrition as she possibly can. There are things I look forward to about weaning her, but I'm not in a hurry for it to happen. It's important for her. It's important for her health. We're on her timing, not mine.

I am happy to report...

2008-12-14T02:07:00.005-06:00

That Brooklyn is not going to have surgery right now! At Brooklyn's appointment with her pulmonologist on Friday, Dr. G2 said that he feels that she is starting to improve. So he is going to give her until her first birthday (3 more months) to try to outgrow her laryngomalacia. He will reevaluate and decide what needs to happen then.

Dr. G2 always gives us a copy of his report when he sees Brooklyn so that we can see exactly what he is documenting and sending to her pediatrician and gastroenterologist. His report said that there is "slight improvement" with her noisy breathing and that she is "slowly starting to improve." Slight and slow is better than what we have had in the past. I'll take it!

Brooklyn weighed in at 14 pounds, 4.5 ounces and she was nearly 26.5 inches long! So she only gained about an ounce since her appointment last Tuesday, but she grew an inch! I knew she was growing longer because she has outgrown all of her 0-3 month footy sleepers and a couple of the 3-6 month ones too. Her respirations were 40 and her oxygenation was good, in the high 90's.

Dr. G2 was concerned about Brooklyn's head flattening and the fact that it is somewhat assymetrical. I thought that it was getting better because she is sitting so much now, but maybe I have just gotten used to it. He wants us to try letting her sleep in her crib instead of in her car seat. He talked about trying to let her sleep on her tummy or side, so that her epiglottis would flop forward and let her breathe easier than if she were on her back. She should obstruct less this way, he said. Doing this makes me extremely paranoid because of the SIDS risk. She may not tolerate it anyway because she has always hated tummy time. We are also to call her gastroenterologist and ask them what we need to do to get a Tucker sling for her to sleep in. At first, Dr. G2 said that we needed to stick books or something under one end of the mattress to angle it for her because of her reflux and airway obstruction, but I asked him about the Tucker sling and he said that was actually a better idea. (Thanks, Hope! I never would have known to ask if you hadn't told me about it.) I will work on that on Monday. Oh - he mentioned the possibility of doing another sleep study. I sincerely hope we can avoid going through that nightmare again. We'll see.

Anyway, Brooklyn's appointment went well. No surgery right now and hopefully none at all!!!

Decision day

2008-12-12T00:33:00.004-06:00

Brooklyn will see her pulmonologist, Dr. G2, in Dallas this morning. He is supposed to give us the verdict on whether or not Brooklyn will have to have surgery on her airway. There are times when I think that she is getting a little better...a few more brief periods throughout the day that I don't hear her stridor. Then there are days when it is nonstop and as loud as ever, especially when she is asleep, like right now. So when asked the question, "Has she improved?", our answer will probably be something like, "Well...I don't know...sort of...sometimes...but not really...maybe a little...maybe not."

I am still very conflicted about Baby Bear having the surgery. I know I have touched on this before, but I am just so sick of putting her through all of these procedures. She has already gone through so much. Surgery terrifies me...I hated it last time. It was so scary to know that my baby was under anesthesia with breathing tubes down her throat...and there are always risks. Especially with someone who is so tiny. And from what I have read and been told, this particular surgical procedure could make her breathing problems worse. Some pulmonologists won't even perform it. But if it really is something that could fix all of her problems and make her life easier, am I a terrible mother for hesitating to do it? Brooklyn deserves to be free of all this. She deserves to be able to breathe without working so hard. She should be able to grow big and strong and be the size of other babies her age. If this surgery would allow her to do all of those things and make her healthy, what kind of mommy wouldn't do it?

Maybe we won't have to make those choices. Maybe Dr. G2 will tell us that since Brooklyn is on the growth charts now, we can keep waiting to see if she will outgrow it on her own?

We will find out in about 10 hours.

9 months old!

2008-12-10T12:10:00.006-06:00

Dear Baby Bear,

You are nine months old today! I can't believe it. You been living outside of my belly the same number of months you lived inside of me. You are growing up so fast. You change and learn new things every single day. You get sweeter, cuter, and smarter each passing day.

You can sit up on your own like a champ now. You've got that whole balance thing down! You love to sit in your room and listen to music and play with your toys. You are liking your exersaucer, swing, and Bebe pod seat less and less because you are happier when you can sit up by yourself! You bounce up and down and squeal when you are excited, and it is just the cutest thing. You're so smart and have been figuring out how to work your toys. You aren't crawling yet, but you are getting close! You can turn over on your tummy and push up, you just can't quite move yet. You're so ready to be mobile and sometimes you get so frustrated that you can't do it yet. It's all right, baby, I don't mind carrying you where you need to go. Don't be in such a hurry, it will happen for you very soon. I love that you are my sweet little Snugglebug...that you will only take naps when I am holding you, that you love to be close to me. I love to hold you and be close to you too. It is so wonderful.

You are learning about all of the different noises you can make with your little voice. You babble, giggle, shriek, blow raspberries, and hum. You mostly speak a language we cannot understand, but the one word that you have spoken in our language is "Mama." It melts my heart every time you say it. You gave me such a special gift by making that your first word.

When we go out shopping or anywhere around town, you attract so much attention! You are so beautiful that people stop to comment on what a pretty girl you are. Then you give them your big gummy grin and coo at them. You are quite the little social butterfly. You like going to stores and restaurants because you can people-watch. That seems to be one of your favorite things to do! Last week at the doctor's office, you flirted with a little boy until he came to play with you. Then you two played a game that consisted of screaming at each other and laughing. It was so funny to see you interacting with another child that way.

You love eating solid foods! You have eaten cereal, pears, peaches, applesauce, sweet potatoes, carrots, and prunes. You love them all and you always finish your little container of food. You look so proud sitting in your little baby chair when you are eating. I can tell it makes you feel like a big girl. :) You are doing a great job with your weight gain too...you are over 14 pounds and are in the 3rd growth percentile now. Keep it up, Baby Bear!

Brooklyn, you are growing up so fast. We are about to celebrate your first Christmas, and I can't wait to experience it with you. Your first birthday will be here before we know it. It's all going so quickly. I love you so much. You are the most amazing little girl. Your big smile always makes my day, and watching you learn and grow gives me a purpose in life. I love being your mommy. I won't need anything this Christmas because I have already been given the greatest gift I could ever ask for, and that gift is you. Wonderful, beautiful, hilarious, sweet little you.

Love,

Mommy

Don't let it pass you by...

2008-12-04T12:37:00.005-06:00

Last night, I dreamed that Brooklyn learned to crawl, walk, and run all in the same day. One minute, I was holding a tiny baby, and the next minute, she had taken off running around the house. She was so fast that I couldn't catch her. Her legs grew long and she was nearly as tall as me. When she came near to me, I tried to hold her, but she wriggled out of my grasp. She was too big for that now.

In my dream, I was proud of my daughter for learning all of these new skills. But I cried because I was mourning the loss of her as my sweet little baby. She was growing up, and she didn't need me the way she used to.

I've been thinking about this all day. It weighs heavy on my heart and makes me feel profoundly sad. I need to take my dream as a sign that I need to enjoy having a baby while I can. Other things in my life can wait. No one is going to die if I can't get all of the laundry done, if I can't vacuum as often as I want, or if my email doesn't get checked every day. I can live with those things. But I won't be able to live with myself if I don't fully enjoy my baby and if I don't love on her and bond with her as much as I possibly can while she's still small. While she's still a little baby.

Brooklyn won't always need me the way that she does right now. When she wakes up every hour during the night, I need a better attitude about it. I need to think about how lucky I am to have someone who needs me so much, instead of being irritated about lost sleep. I need to remind myself of how fortunate I am to have this little person in my life who cries out in the dark just because she wants so badly for me to cradle her in my arms and make her feel secure. I can make her world okay by holding her little body to mine, nursing her, stroking her hair, and touching her little face. When I think about it....that's such an incredible privilege. My beautiful baby is showing me the purest form of love and complete trust.

This time in her life will be over so soon, and I don't want to regret a single thing about it. I won't get another chance to do it the right way. I want to make everything perfect for her. I want to have the most wonderful memories possible. Because when it's all said and done, Brooklyn is all that really matters to me.

December doctor visit No. 1

2008-12-02T20:19:00.005-06:00

Brooklyn went to see Dr. R, her gastroenterologist today. Can I just start off by bragging? My baby girl weighed in at 14 pounds, 3 ounces!!! And she was 25 inches long! Dr. R said he was very happy because she is now "on the curve" - meaning that she is actually on a curve on the growth chart now...3rd percentile...but still on a curve! She is between 3rd and 5th percentiles for length. Go baby bear!

The visit with Dr. R was fairly uneventful. He increased her Bethanecol because her reflux is still really bad and she spits up a lot, especially at night. One problem we have been having is that she sometimes spits up about 5 or 10 minutes after we give her all of her medicines, and you can tell that she has spit up the meds, not milk. So then I worry that she isn't getting the benefit of any of her medications. She also spits up a lot even when it has been 2 or 3 hours since a feeding. Dr. R hopes that upping her dosage on the Bethanecol will help with these problems.

He also said that we can start giving her baby food every day now. I was feeding it to her about two or three times per week because her pediatrician didn't want it to take away from the increased calories she gets from her special formula mix (we have to mix rice cereal and extra formula powder into her bottles to make it 30 calories per ounce instead of 20...this helps with her weight gain problems and also keeps her from choking while eating). Dr. R said that since she is gaining now, I can give her baby food once a day and continue with the same regimen with the formula. She is about 50% breastfed and 50% formula fed now. He also said that she may spit up less as she eats more baby food. I'm glad because Brooklyn really loves to eat her baby food! You can tell she is so proud of herself when she gets to sit in her little chair and eat "big girl food!"

The best thing that Dr. R said today was that we are doing a great job and that what we are doing is working, just slowly. He said that he feels confident that Brooklyn will eventually grow out of all of her health problems. Dave told me that he felt like crying with relief after Dr. R said that because we rarely ever hear anything positive at Brooklyn's doctors appointments. It really is comforting to have an expert tell you that you are doing well and that things are finally moving in the right direction.

Brooklyn's next appointment is with Dr. G2, her pulmonologist, next Friday. Supposedly he is going to decide whether Brooklyn needs surgery to correct her laryngomalacia and floppy arytenoids. I am conflicted about this. I would like to avoid surgery if at all possible because I don't want to put her through anything else. But if it would fix everything...then I think I would be okay with doing it...I think. It's scary. I have mixed feelings. I don't know.

I am trying to wait to see what Dr. G2 has to say next week before I worry too much about that. For now, I am trying to let myself enjoy the fact that we heard positive words from one of her doctors today.

What I am most thankful for...

2008-11-27T21:30:00.005-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a great day. We did :)

As you can see, I have more to be thankful for than I ever could have imagined.

You CANNOT be serious.

2008-11-25T11:52:00.002-06:00

What the hell is wrong with my husband? Sometimes I wonder if the irresponsible, inconsiderate person I now share a house and a child with is the same person I married.

Yesterday, he was off work. His mom came over to watch Brooklyn because she doesn’t get to see her very often. Dave told me that he was going to take advantage of the free time he would have and actually get some things done...mow the yard, take one of our dogs to get her shots, get Brooklyn’s prescriptions refilled.

I tried to call him a couple of times during the afternoon and he didn’t answer. He called me back around 4:30 and said that he was with his little brother and best friend and that they were on their way to my office. A few minutes later, they walked in. Dave says to his best friend, "Okay, Joe, show her the pictures." Joe comes over with his cell phone and starts showing me a series of pictures of someone getting a huge tattoo on their entire upper arm. I quickly notice that the person in the picture is wearing the same shirt as my husband. I look over at Dave and see that his sleeve is all bloody. He gives me a big goofy grin. He pulls his sleeve up to show me his new gigantic tattoo. "It’s AWESOME, isn’t it?!"

You have GOT to be kidding me. First of all....he doesn’t even bother telling me that he’s going to do this. I apparently don’t need to know, but his friend and brother and mom do. (His reasoning there: "I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to be able to show you and say, ‘Look what I did!’" SERIOUSLY??? Did you think I was going to jump up and down with excitement???)He ~~has~~ had no tattoos. Neither do I. We were planning on going together to get matching ones of Brooklyn’s newborn footprints after I am done breastfeeding her. Secondly, this thing was expensive. I can think of about 1,000 things we need to pay for more than that. Like, uh, medical bills, a several things that need to be done on our cars, pay off our home phone that was cut off (how white trash is that???), Christmas presents, tons of bills, formula, medicines. I could go on and on. And I would not say this to him because it’s hitting below the belt...but I am not the one who was demoted and got a $9,000.00 pay cut. I won’t say it, but I’m certainly thinking it. How freakin’ irresponsible and selfish. Oh, and by the way, why are you coming to my professional workplace looking like a hobo with bloody clothes???? Embarrassing and GROSS! Again....what the hell is wrong with you???

I don’t care that he got a tattoo. That’s not the issue. I wish he felt like he needed to include me in his plans. I can’t understand how he can justify spending our money this way when we clearly have so many other places it needs to go. I wish he would have thought of someone besides himself. I am PISSED. And he doesn’t care. He thinks it's pretty much the coolest thing he's ever done.

Oh...so he was at the tattoo parlor for four and a half hours. Do you think he got anything else accomplished during the nine hours his mom was taking care of Brooklyn? You know, those things that actually needed to get done? Nope, he didn't do a thing. Nice.

Blah.

2008-11-24T12:54:00.003-06:00

I feel like crap. I don't know what's wrong.

I am exhausted. I got sick after dinner last night. I just slept through my lunch hour, which was fine because the idea of eating the lunch I brought completely turned my stomach. I'm five days late. I have no signs that AF is on her way.

My hubby made me take a pregnancy test last night. It was negative. It was the first time I had ever been relieved to have a BFN. And yes, we're using birth control, but you know, nothing is 100% foolproof.

So if it's not that, then what's wrong with me? I feel YUCK.

My first bloggy award :)

2008-11-23T01:29:00.008-06:00

So, Trish at My Little Drummer Boys gave me this bloggy award last month and I have been a very bad blogger by not reposting it and passing it along! Trish is such a sweetheart. She always has encouraging words for me. She has a blog full of insightful posts, daily advice, and pics of her darling twins. Thank you for thinking of me, Trish!

The rules of the award are this - fill out the little four-item questionnaire attached to the award, and pass it on to four friends. So here goes:

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
My best friend and I have actually known each other since we were six years old. We weren't really close back then, but we started working together when we were 15 and have been inseperable ever since.

I wish that I had more friends that I have known for that long, but you know how it goes...people grow up and grow apart, people change and people move on, both geographically and emotionally. So most of my other friends I met either in college or after college.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
They accept me, they listen to me, they support me through hard times, and I can trust them enough to show who I really am and how I really feel.

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Yes! I think that is such a wonderful part of friendship. Friends can show you a whole other perspective on a situation in your life.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
I honestly don't care what I am doing when I get to spend time with my friends. Seriously. Going out to dinner, going to a movie, getting a drink, just hanging out at someone's house...to me, it doesn't matter where, it just matters who you are with.

So like I said, I'm supposed to pass this award on to four bloggy friends. This is a toughie because I have made so many wonderful friends in the few months that I have been blogging. I think you are ALL so fabulous and wish that I could hug you all in person :) Your kind words and encouragement are such a blessing to me!

Anyway, I am passing this award on to:

1. Hope at Taking a Deep Breath...Hope is mommy to sweet little Ava, who has laryngomalacia, just like my Brooklyn. She has been such a great source of support and information. I swear she knows more than our doctors sometimes...or at least she just tells me more than they do! I don't know anyone in real life who is dealing with the same things we are and Hope always lets me know that she truly understands what we are going through!

2. Sarah at And Baby Makes Three...Sarah is a total sweetheart and mommy to cutie pie Claire. I think she comments on pretty much every post I make and I always know she is out there reading! From issues with sick babies to in-law troubles, I know she gets me!

3. Sam at E Squared...Sam is mama to Edie and Ella, twin beauties born the same week as Brooklyn. However tired I am, I know she has to be twice as tired, LOL. Her posts are full of pictures of the girls and always bring a smile to my face. She was also one of my first bloggy friends!

4. Jennifer at We're Growing!...Jennifer is the mommy of adorable Avelyn. I'm so glad we found each other's blogs a couple of months ago! She has been such an encouragement and has been through many of the same things I have as a new mommy. Her blog is so funny and honest. I'm hoping we will get to meet for real soon! Yay!

Baby blue

2008-11-21T00:20:00.003-06:00

My beautiful little girl! I bought a new camera, and sometimes when Brooklyn is sleeping I play with Photoshop..."play" being the operative word because I have no idea what I'm doing! Anyways...expect more of this. Photography is the only creative or artsy thing I've ever been remotely good at! I'm rusty because I haven't used an SLR since junior college, so we'll see how this goes. I've been told that the model makes the shot, so I definitely have that going for me! :)

I'm sorry, does this make you uncomfortable?

2008-11-18T00:07:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I wonder what the right answer is when people ask how Brooklyn is doing. I'm asked this about a dozen or so times a day at work. When I first came back from maternity leave, Brooklyn was having so many problems, and of course we didn't know what was wrong. So people would ask, "How's the baby?" The first few days, I would actually try to explain what was going on with her health. But after getting some blank stares and some odd responses, I quickly shortened my answers to things like, "Well, she's okay. She has an appointment with a specialist next week." Or..."She's all right. We are about to have some tests done to try to figure out what's wrong with her breathing and why she isn't gaining weight." Things like that. But I keep it short and sweet. People still seem uncomfortable with that. If something positive is going on, I tell them that...for example, "Well, she gained some weight!" Or, "No, she's not better yet, but we found out what's wrong, and that's a huge step in the right direction." Or I'll tell them how excited I am about her sitting up or saying "Mama" or reaching some other milestone. If I go that route, they usually ask about her health next, but it seems like they still don't REALLY want to know.

I don't lie to people. I don't just say everything is great or good or fine with us. Honestly, I don't really feel like I should have to. I know that's the acceptable answer...but am I alone in feeling like if people are going to ask, they deserve a real answer? No, I'm not going to go into detail, but why should I have to give you a fake perfect picture of what my life has been lately? When you specifically ask me how my child is, why should I have to lie to you about it? Just because you might not know what to say?

I know we all do it. When we ask people how they're doing, we generally don't want to hear the truth. It's just a formality most of the time, and all we really want to hear is "Fine."

I wonder what it must be like for parents with terminally ill or very, very sick children. I wonder how they handle the everyday questions about how their kids are without making people squirm. Trust me, I know our situation is nothing compared to these. And I think that's what makes me feel kind of guilty about giving people a real answer. Then they might not think that I'm happy enough about being a mother. They might think I'm just feeling sorry for myself, or that I'm not grateful to have my sweet baby bear. What if they think I am fixated on the negative and don't think that I am totally crazy in love with my adorable daughter?

A few months ago, when we still didn't know what was going on with Brooklyn, when we had tons of tests coming up, when I was terrified of what could be wrong, a former coworker came by my floor at work to visit. He had retired about a year prior, but we had occasionally exchanged emails since then. He knew that I had just returned from maternity leave and that Brooklyn had been having some problems. He asked me how things were going with her. I gave him a little bit longer version of our situation, because I felt like he would be understanding. He was a parent and his first grandson was just a bit younger than Brooklyn. I told him about all her medications, breathing treatments, lack of weight gain, the tests she was having to go through. And his response was, "You know, there are a lot of parents that go through much worse. It's not that bad."

You don't think I know that? You don't think that I feel guilty all of the time because I know there are so many parents suffering through so much more? That I don't think I should be happier or less stressed because other mommies lose their babies, or live with the reality that they could lose their babies any day? I KNOW these things. This man made me feel about two inches tall. I felt like I should never tell anyone anything other than "Everything's fine."

Really and truly though...I don't feel like we should have to apologize or feel bad about for things in our lives that are beyond our control. I don't think that we should have to create a false reality, especially when it comes to our children.

Right now, my reality is this: I have a beautiful, sweet, smart-as-a-whip eight-month-old baby girl. She's the most wonderful thing I could have ever imagined having in my life. Unfortunately, she has some health problems right now. She has laryngomalacia, a problem with her arytenoids, severe reflux, and "failure to thrive." She's been through all kinds of tests and procedures and she has several specialists. She takes multiple medications, but they really don't seem to help. I don't know whether she will outgrow this or whether she will have to have surgery. I hate that I can't fix her and that no one else has yet either. And I get stressed out, and I get scared. And if you're going to ask me how my baby is, I'd appreciate it if you would validate my feelings instead of making me feel like a terrible person for telling you the truth. I'm not asking you to feel sorry for us, because Lord knows there are many, many others who you should feel sorry for before us. But please, just don't make me feel worse about a situation that already makes me feel bad. Thank you.

Thoughts, anyone???

Some Friday night cuteness....

2008-11-14T22:34:00.004-06:00

Brooklyn is doing really good at sitting up, but she doesn't have it completely perfected! Here she is hamming it up for the camera tonight...until she gets too excited and loses her balance. Tee hee. She is the most adorable tiny little person I've ever seen :)

Oh, she was 13 pounds, 12 ounces at her weight check on Wednesday! That's A WHOLE POUND gained in less than a month!!! Go Baby Bear!!! Our lactation consultant said, "Wow! This is great! Look how close she's getting to hitting that 3rd percentile line!" Okay...so sometimes we celebrate things that other people might not think about. But that's okay! Brooklyn is making her own growth curve and doing things her own way.

Moo.

2008-11-12T12:04:00.004-06:00

There's nothing better to start your morning than going to the jail to interview an inmate and having the officer at the front desk ask whether the baby you are currently pregnant with is a boy or a girl. She's not confused with your previous pregnancy, because she just asked to see a picture of your eight-month-old. She laughs when you tell her you aren't expecting, and says again, "Well, you sure looked like you was in a motherly way!"

I knew I was fat, but I really didn't think I looked 5 or 6 months pregnant (at least). I guess I was wrong.

She crushed what little self-confidence I had.

I feel too gross to even be seen in public. I have GOT to lose some weight.

And you know what else? That rude bitch didn't even apologize.

In a holding pattern

2008-11-10T12:56:00.006-06:00

I haven't posted in about a week. Really, nothing significant has been going on and I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say. I'd hate to bore y'all.

Brooklyn is eight months old today! That is absolutely crazy to think about...there is no way it has been EIGHT MONTHS since I laid in that delivery room and did the greatest thing I've ever done. No way. Time is moving too fast for me. I'm afraid I won't get to soak in all of her beautiful baby-ness. I don't ever want to forget a single detail. I will write more on this soon.

She is sitting up on her own really well. She can sit for about 5 minutes or so, unless she dives for a toy or gets too excited. Her balance is getting so much better. She has her first tooth coming through. It's on the top...I thought all babies cut their bottom teeth first, but my mom said that my first tooth was on top, and it wasn't even a center tooth. Brooklyn won't hold still long enough for me to look at her little chomper, but I can feel it with my finger and I can definitely feel it scraping me when I nurse her! Ouch.

As far as Brooklyn's health goes, I don't really have any updates there either. We are in a holding pattern. Nothing new, nothing worse, but really no improvements either. I don't think that the switch from Reglan to Bethanechol has changed anything. She doesn't have any appointments with her specialists this month, they will see her in early December. I am not too hopeful that she is going to just spontaneously outgrow her breathing problems, just because I am not seeing any signs of progress. We are just waiting to see what will happen between now and December. It's odd (but nice) to have an entire month in which we don't have to make any trips to Dallas for doctor's appointments.

Tomorrow is a holiday, so I get to be at home with the Baby Bear. Well, not really at home. I'm going to try to go to the eye doctor, see if the dentist has any openings, and I'm planning to take Brooklyn by the lactation consultant's office to have her weighed. It has been a couple of weeks since she has been to the doctor, and I get nervous if I don't know where we stand with our good friend the scale....

Choose well.

2008-11-04T12:10:00.005-06:00

Get out there and vote today. It matters. As Americans, we are fortunate enough to live in a country where we have the privilege to choose our leaders, and we should not take that right for granted. Be proud of it. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking that your opinion doesn't count.

I am truly afraid of what may happen to our country if the wrong choice is made. There is so much at stake. But this isn't a political blog, and I'm not here to force my views on anybody or step on anyone's toes. So I will just say that you should educate yourself on the issues and make a wise, informed decision. Think not just about yourself but about our children and their children. What we do now will determine how we will be judged by future generations.

And remember, if you don't vote, you are still making a choice. You are making the decision to forfeit both your right to have your voice heard AND your right to complain about politics for the next four years! If you don't care enough to get out and vote for what you believe in now, you shouldn't care enough to whine about our leaders later.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T20:34:00.005-05:00

Brooklyn was the cutest puppy ever tonight! PUPPY, not cow! About 75% of our neighbors thought that she was wearing a cow costume. One crazy lady thought she was a real dog. (Ummmmm. Okay.) I got her all dressed up and tied pink ribbons on the ears of her costume so that everyone would know she was a girl. We sat outside of our house and handed out candy to all the little ghouls, goblins, and Hannah Montanas. We all had fun. Brooklyn loves anything where she can people-watch! She is worn out from all of the excitement now and is sleeping on my chest. I think I'm going to take a nap with her in a few. Happy Halloween from both of us!

Brooklyn speaks!!!

2008-10-28T19:26:00.006-05:00

Brooklyn said her first word tonight...and her first word was...MAMA!!!!!!

I'm soooo happy and sooooo excited! She has been saying it over and over all night! It's so amazing to hear my name come out of my sweet baby girl's mouth. I love her little voice, it's the cutest sound I've ever heard. I am absolutely giddy over this (in case you can't tell)! I have spent a lot of time lately wondering what Brooklyn's first word would be, what it would sound like to hear her talk, and whether she might say "mama." (I've been coaching her to say it!) So now I know what it sounds like and how it feels. And it's fabulous!

A perfect heart

2008-10-24T12:21:00.006-05:00

Brooklyn had her cardiologist appointment on Wednesday. The doctor listened to her heart for quite a while, then did an ECHO. Then he told us that the hole in Brooklyn's heart (a ventricular septal defect) had completely closed! He said that she had "a perfect heart" now! And she no longer needs to see the cardiologist! I just wanted to hug him. It is so wonderful to know that something that has caused us a lot of worry is ALL BETTER. I hope the same will happen with her airway issues and her reflux in the near future too.

Brooklyn weighed 12 pounds, 13 ounces on the scale at the cardiologist's office. Not as bad as the 12 pounds, 7 ounces she weighed the day before on the gastroenterologist's scale, but still some weight loss. Sigh.

She got her Synagis shot right after we saw her cardiologist. Her cardiologist is her only specialist that we get to see here in our hometown instead of driving to Dallas. They come to our pediatrician's office once a month to see their patients here, which is nice. Dr. A's nurse gave Brooklyn the Synagis shot, and she did really well. She cried, but stopped as soon as I picked her up. Dr. A is having a flu shot clinic tomorrow and I am supposed to take Brooklyn to get a flu shot then. She has to get the flu shot twice and will get Synagis shots every month throughout RSV season.

We went to visit Beth, our wonderful lactation consultant, after we got done at the doctor's office. It was so good to see her, since it had been about three months. I just love her! She has been such a great source of support since Brooklyn was born. I always feel so relaxed as soon as I walk through her door. Not only did she help me get my newborn baby to eat and gain weight (which I promise you was no small feat), she was my shoulder to cry on for the first few months of Brooklyn's life. She always comforted me, understood me, hugged on me, and told me that everything I was feeling was normal and okay. She called my OB when Brooklyn was about 7 weeks old and got me an appointment to see her because I was so depressed. I felt like I was going to die. I didn't think I could do this anymore. I thought that there was no way I could love my baby enough or be thankful enough for her. I wasn't sleeping because I thought that God was going to punish me by taking Brooklyn from me during the night. I felt like the worst mother in the world and I thought that my baby would be better off without me around. And I couldn't tell anyone but Beth. That's when my OB put me on medication for PPD. Beth was the only person that I could talk to about the whole ordeal. She will always mean so much to me for being there through all of that, and I can never thank her enough!

Anyway, Brooklyn and I hung out with Beth for a couple of hours. Oh, and Brooklyn weighed 12 pounds, 12 ounces on her scale. A mommy with a 12-day-old baby came in and I got to talk to her some. She was crying and was really overwhelmed and exhausted. It made me realize how far Brooklyn and I have come. Yes, I still feel overwhelmed and inadequate and all of that at times...but I don't feel the way that I did when Brooklyn was 12 days old. Overall, things are much better now because I don't constantly feel like there is no way that I can do this parenting thing. It made me kind of proud to realize that Brooklyn and I are both making progress.

To the doctors we go...

2008-10-22T01:34:00.007-05:00

Yesterday, we took Brooklyn to the gastroenterologist in Dallas. The visit was fine. Dr. R said that all of Brooklyn's biopsies came back normal. He said that what he was looking for with the biopsies were any abnormal tissues, inflammations, or allergies. So no problems there in her tummy or esophagus. He said that he talked to Dr. G2 after Brooklyn's bronchoscopy and endoscopy Friday and that they wanted to take her off of Reglan and put her on Bethanechol. Dr. R said that it could help with her reflux and also strengthen her airway. He gave us the prescription for it, but we haven't gone to fill it yet. Does anybody know anything about this med? I read tonight that it is an older drug that really isn't used anymore because there are others that are more effective. I also read that it hasn't been studied in babies and children. Hmmmm.

The part of yesterday's appointment that really sucked was that Brooklyn weighed 12 pounds, 7 ounces. I was really worried when the nurse told me that, so she weighed her twice. The nurse and the doctor both did the grams to pounds calculation for me. I just thought there was no way that she could weigh that little. She was 13 pounds, 2 ounces on October 10 at her pre-op appointment. She was 13 pounds even at Dr. A's on October 6. Now I am really scared that she is losing weight again, and that's an awful lot for her to lose. I honestly don't know what she weighed at her procedure on Friday. I've noticed that a lot of these nurses get all confused translating grams to pounds. The nurse that weighed her Friday said that she was 12.8 pounds. When I showed concern, she tapped some more numbers into her calculator and then said, no, she was 13.6. That's quite a difference. I meant to ask one of the doctors about it on Friday but with the stress and worry of all that was going on, I forgot to.

Brooklyn goes today to see her cardiologist and then to see her pediatrician to get her first Synagis injection. I am going to have them both weigh her and I really, really hope that she hasn't lost as much weight as Dr. R's scale showed. I'm also hoping that Brooklyn's cardiologist will tell us that her heart murmur (a ventricular septal defect) has corrected itself. It has been 6 months since we last saw this doctor, and it would be nice if we could have one less specialist for our baby!

My sweet little pumpkin!

2008-10-20T20:49:00.012-05:00

More good news today - Brooklyn's pediatrician called and said that Brooklyn's first Synagis (RSV vaccine) shot was in and scheduled an appointment for her to get it. She will get the shot on Wednesday since we will be at her pediatrician's office to see her cardiologist anyway. This means that the insurance company approved Brooklyn for Synagis without any kind of fight, which we certainly didn't expect. Brooklyn's pulmonologist and pediatrician were prepared for the insurance company to try to deny her, but they didn't! Wow!

The three of us went to a pumpkin patch with some friends on Saturday afternoon. The pumpkins were kind of picked over, but we got some cute pics anyway. Yes, of course I'll show you!

PS - Please note that Blogger jacked up my pictures again!!! I did exactly what you said, Sam! Please help!!!

ANSWERS

2008-10-18T12:04:00.006-05:00

Brooklyn did fine with the bronchoscopy and endoscopy yesterday. Thanks for all your prayers and good thoughts.

And yes, we now know what is wrong!

The brochoscopy showed that Brooklyn has laryngomalacia. She also has a problem with her arytenoids. The arytenoids are pieces of cartilage that attach the vocal cords to the larynx. Brooklyn's are floppy and swollen and intermittently obstruct her airway.

Usually this is a condition that doctors try to let babies outgrow. But in Brooklyn's case, she hasn't improved or started to outgrow it, and normally that would have already happened by 7 months old. So Dr. G2 said that he is going to give her 6 more weeks to try to outgrow it. If she hasn't by then, he said that there are "other procedures we will need to look at." He didn't tell us what those procedures were. He said that we would talk about that more later. David and I were fine with that...I think just because we were so glad that we finally knew what was causing our baby's problems.

I wish that my scanner was working so that I could show y'all the pictures of Brooklyn's airway. She is having to breathe through such a tiny, tiny little hole. It's no wonder she is burning so many calories that she can't grow enough.

Her endoscopy was fine. Everything was normal and while it confirmed her reflux, the reflux has not caused any damage to her esophagus or stomach. This is great news.

Both doctors took pieces of tissue from a bunch of different areas to biopsy. I'm not 100% clear on why...to check the tissues for any problems, check for allergens, and see if she is aspirating was what I gathered. There are other reasons, I'm sure, but I will ask about that at her gastroenterologist appointment next Tuesday.

Brooklyn was not a happy camper yesterday. They put her under general anesthesia and when she first came out of it, she freaked out really bad. They took me back to post-op and told me that they had just finished extubating her. She was screaming her head off. They were trying to feed her Pedialyte and glucose water and she was refusing both. They gave her to me, gave her some Fentanyl and Tylenol for pain, and she calmed right down, snuggled in and went to sleep. She stayed out for an hour or so, and during that time, they moved her to a recovery room.

After she woke up, she took 2 ounces of Pedialyte from me and then I was allowed to breastfeed her. She nursed really well. Towards the end of her feeding, Dave noticed that her IV wasn't dripping anymore. After Brooklyn finished nursing, he went to tell a nurse. By the time the nurse came to check on it, Brooklyn's IV had backed up about 2 feet and she was screaming bloody murder. They tried unsuccessfully to flush it out, and then another nurse decided just to take it out since Brooklyn had eaten. Soon after, an anesthesiologist came to assess Brooklyn. We were then given discharge instructions and allowed to leave. This was around 6:00. So we were only at the hospital a total of 6 hours, start to finish.

The whole rest of the night, Brooklyn was just not herself. If she wasn't sleeping or eating, she was screaming. She wouldn't smile or talk or coo or anything. It was obvious that she just felt like crap. I think she just felt bad from the procedures and still had all that yucky anesthesia in her system.

This morning, I have my smiley, talkative, playful baby bear back. And we have answers to many of the questions that have gone unanswered for so long. It's going to be a good day.

Nervous.

2008-10-16T13:33:00.006-05:00

That's what I am. Nervous, anxious, worried, fearful. Brooklyn's bronchoscopy and endoscopy are tomorrow.

I am afraid because Dr. G, the first pulmonologist we saw, really scared us about having a bronchoscopy performed on Brooklyn. This was back in July. I talked about it here. Dr. G told us in a very flippant way that he would do the procedure on Brooklyn but that we needed to know that he could paralyze her vocal cords or puncture her lungs or that she could have horrible complications from the anesthesia. And that's pretty much all he told us about the procedure. Other doctors have since told us that they think that Dr. G2 was afraid to do the bronchoscopy on such a small baby, so he scared us out of it. We didn't have it done then. We were scared and we also didn't want to put her through anything that she didn't absolutely need. So here we are, the tests have gotten progressively more invasive and she now has to have the bronchoscopy, along with an endoscopy. I keep wondering if they really are going to paralyze her vocal cords. What if I never get to hear her sweet little voice again? Or what if something worse happens from a lung puncture or something like that? My stomach just ties itself into a million little knots. I hate the idea of her being in a surgical room under anesthesia and with a breathing tube in her to begin with....but then add all of these other fears into the mix....I'm just scared.

I guess my other fear is that they will do these procedures tomorrow and still not know what is causing Brooklyn's respiratory problems (and consequently, her failure to thrive). I don't want to put her through any more of this. I am trying to have faith that we will have our answer tomorrow, and that her doctors will know what to do to fix everything. Dr. G2 and Dr. R will be doing these procedures. I know that they are experts and that they are good at what they do. It's just hard to trust anyone with your little baby like that.

We have to be at the hospital in Dallas by noon tomorrow. Please keep my sweet baby bear in your prayers.

7 months old!

2008-10-14T12:32:00.010-05:00

Dear Baby Bear,

Can you believe it has been 7 months since you made your grand appearance? Sometimes I wonder what I used to do all day before I had you to fill my hours. It's hard to remember what life was really like before you. I know it wasn't even close to this good.

You have more and more personality every day! You grin and laugh so much when your daddy and I talk and play with you. You are happy to see me when I come home from work, which just absolutely makes my day. You have started reaching for me sometimes and when I hold you, sometimes you grab on to both my shoulders and try to wrap yourself around me in a big baby hug. These things let me know that you love me too. And that is a completely amazing feeling. Not only do I love you more than my heart can hold, but you love me in return? Incredible. Being your mommy is so much better than I ever could have imagined it would be.

You sat up by yourself for the first time on Sunday. You love to stand up (with help, of course), and you even try to take little steps sometimes. You have started eating "solid food" from a spoon (cereal and applesauce so far) and you love it! I adore seeing you look so proud of yourself for doing something new. I think you know when you are doing "big girl" things that you have watched your daddy and I do, and you are so excited to be doing those things yourself!

Right now, you love bathtime, laughing at your puppies, your paci, sitting in your little chair, going for walks, riding in your sling, your butterfly mobile, your Gloworm, chewing on your hands (and anything else you can get a hold of!), snuggling and being held (you don't ever want me to put you down!), taking naps on my chest, teethers, "talking" in your sweet little voice, and people-watching. You are such a charmer...anytime people come up to us to say how cute you are, you grin and "talk" to them. And of course, then they just fall all over themselves because then you are a hundred times cuter!

You are still my "Tiny One." I am proud of you for hitting 13 pounds even last week! You are starting to outgrow size Newborn (you've been wearing those clothes for the past 5 months) and you are wearing 0-3 month clothes. Most of the 0-3 month outfits fit you properly now! You are growing on your own curve. That's okay, as long as you grow!

Can I tell you what one of my very favorite things about you is? When you get to laughing about something, you scream at the beginning of every belly laugh. It's as if you have so much joy in your little body that you just can't contain it. I love that about you. So cute and so hilarious. You get to laughing so hard until you are red in the face sometimes.

My other favorite thing right now is our cuddle time. You love being held close and snuggling. Which is great, because I love it too. I'm so happy I have a snuggly baby. When you are sleepy, you lay against my shoulder and run your fingers through my hair, touch my face, and coo to me. It's so sweet that I nearly cried just thinking about it. I love our time together so much. Promise me you won't outgrow snuggle time anytime soon, okay?

You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought on my mind when I lay my head down and fall asleep at night. You are incredible, amazing, perfect, and the sweetest little girl in the world.

I love you, Baby Bear!

♥,

Mommy

6 month pics!

2008-10-10T20:02:00.013-05:00

Brooklyn's 6 month pics were just posted online. She is 7 months old today!!! More on that and today's pre-op appointment to come...

Blogger did something weird with the pic layout again. I need someone to tell me how to post pics the right way!!! Y'all all seem to know how to line them up so nicely and even type in between them! I just can't figure that out!

Imagine this...

2008-10-08T13:05:00.009-05:00

The other morning, I called Dave to check in on him and Brooklyn. He told me that they were in Brooklyn's room playing "Conan O'Oinken," in which Brooklyn's stuffed pig is a talk show host. Her bear and sheep are talk show guests, her baby doll is the musical guest, and Brooklyn is in the studio audience. He does this kind of thing all the time. It cracks me up, because seriously, my husband has the imagination of a little kid and I know he just has a ball having a child to share it with.

Where the hell did my imagination go? I was thinking about this when Brooklyn and I were on a walk last night. I would never dream up Conan O'Oinken, and my hubby just comes up with stuff like this off the top of his head.

I can sing songs to my baby, read to her, show her toys. I can talk to her about what we are doing ("Oh look, I'm brushing my teeth. This is how we keep away those bad cavities! You don't have any teeth yet though, do you?" or "Did you hear that doggy barking? He sounds like a big doggy!") or I can tell her how much I love her. Things like that. But other than that...I'm kind of at a loss sometimes. I think it is my nature to edit myself so much that I have a hard time just being silly or childlike. I don't want to say anything stupid.

I think I have forgotten how to use my imagination. How to just think things up and not worry about what anyone else would think. I just can't let go and relax like that.

Especially in this situation...my baby isn't going to think I'm silly or dumb. I know this. Thinking the way that I do just becomes such a habit, I guess. I've gotten too grown up. I take myself too seriously. I wonder how exactly this happens. I mean, was it a gradual process, or did it happen overnight? And why did I lose this ability when my husband still has it? Do some of us just spend so much time filling our heads with worries and adult nonsense that our playfulness just fades away without us noticing?

I don't know how to make up stories to tell Brooklyn. Dave did it before she was even born. He would ride around on patrol and record himself on his digital recorder just talking to Brooklyn about anything and everything. He would tell her the story of us, he would ramble on about what he had done at work that day, he would talk about her future and what he wanted for her. He would make up these creative stories. Then we would put headphones on my belly and play his recordings for Brooklyn. I wanted her to know his voice. And she did. She would kick, kick, kick away when the recordings ended, like "I want to hear more!" I would feel her kicks, look at the recorder, and without fail, the segment would have just finished playing. I wasn't allowed to listen to the recordings, Dave said. They were just for Brooklyn.

Anyway...all that to say, I never could have just talked on and on like that with no one to answer me! I wouldn't have a clue what to say. And I don't know how to just play anymore. I have to really think hard about little games and ways to show Brooklyn her toys. I really envy my husband's abilities in this area.

I feel like a bad mom sometimes for not knowing how to do these things. I feel like people would think that I don't care enough about her to spend time playing with her or talking to her enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I know that play is so important for babies. It seems as though I can't do something that probably comes naturally to most other parents. I don't really know what to do about it though. I wish it wasn't a struggle for me because it should be simple.

I hope I grow with my daughter and learn how to do all of this as she gets a little older and learns how to play. I hope my imagination redevelops as she discovers hers. I hope we can learn together.

Brooklyn's head

2008-10-07T12:18:00.003-05:00

Over the weekend, my mom noticed that Brooklyn's head was more flat than it had been before. We had discussed the flatness with Dr. A before, and he had said that although the back of Brooklyn's head was flat, he wasn't too worried about it because it was not asymmetrical. Well, on Sunday we saw that it had become somewhat asymmetrical - the right side stuck out more and was making her right ear stick out a different direction than her left one. I also had noticed a little pea-sized knot on the back of her skull on Saturday, but didn't worry too much about it at the time.

I wasn't sure whether I should call Dr. A about it. I don't want them to think I'm the mom that freaks out and overreacts and calls about every little thing. Which I know I don't, but we are already at their office so much for Brooklyn's other problems. My mom called me at work on Monday and said she really thought I should call Dr. A just to ask him about it. So I did, and they wanted me to bring Brooklyn in at 4:00.

That's when I really started worrying...like oh crap, something else is wrong, they're going to send us to more specialists. They're going to make her wear one of those horrible skull-reshaping helmets. What about the little knot on her head? What if it's something really bad? I called my hubby and he was kind of freaking out too, talking about how he didn't want to put Brooklyn through anything else, etc...

But it was okay. Dr. A said that on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is a perfectly-shaped baby head, Brooklyn's is about a 3. Her skull is a little asymmetrical and she has a bit of a head tilt because of it. He showed me a couple of physical therapy exercises to do on her neck every day to help with that. He also told me to roll up a blanket or burp cloth and put it under the right side of her carseat cover when she sleeps at night to try to get her to turn her head to the left instead, to try to even things out. We are just going to keep an eye on it for now. Dr. A told us that most babies' heads will round back out by the time their soft spots close at 15 months. He said that if I wanted, he would refer us to Dallas to get her fitted for a helmet...I said NO THANK YOU!!! We are also going to keep an eye on the knot on her skull. He didn't seem alarmed by it but said that usually when babies have spots like those, they are lymph nodes, but her spot is too hard to be a lymph node. So hopefully it will just go away!!!

Oh...and little miss Brooklyn weighed 13 pounds even!!! She is doing so good with her weight gain the past few weeks. She will be 7 months this Friday. Unbelievable.

Eating like a big girl!

2008-10-04T18:11:00.004-05:00

Brooklyn ate from a spoon for the first time today! She did a great job and made a big, hilarious mess. But that's half the fun, right? At first, I made the cereal the thickness called for on the box for "baby's first feeding." But that made it about the consistency about like the "nectar" she takes in her bottles. So she was sucking it off the spoon instead of taking bites. I thickened it up more and she started taking bites just like she had been doing it forever! She was reaching for the bowl if I took too long in between bites and ate all of the cereal that I fixed her. What a big girl!!!

Bouncing off the walls!!!

2008-10-03T12:29:00.005-05:00

Last night, I told my hubby at 8:45 that I wanted to take a nap for about an hour because I just couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. I really hate doing this in the evenings because that's my time with Brooklyn, but she was taking a nap and I figured I would too before her next feeding.

So around 2:00 a.m., I realized that everyone else was in the bedroom too and this was no longer a nap. LOL, oh well. So I went back to sleep. And slept until 6:30 this morning! That has got to be the most sleep I have had in one stretch since...I don't know...maybe my second trimester???

And today I am SO energized! I can't think of the last time I felt this awake and this productive. I wish that I was at home so that I could be productive there instead of at the office, but oh well. Maybe I will still feel this way tonight. Woohoo! I feel like I could run up and down the street with a big grin on my face. Probably not the best idea though, since I work next door to the jail, and people would probably just think I was a crazy escaped inmate.

So before I get back to work, a few things I want to tell you about:

Brooklyn's weight check on Wednesday...she weighed 12 pounds and 13 ounces!!! Go baby!!! That's 5 ounces per week for 2 weeks! She has never been able to do that before. I'm happy, and so is Dr. A. Brooklyn is still right on that 3rd percentile curve...but Dr. A said that is FINE, because at least she is staying on a curve and not falling off it again. I was hoping they might say she didn't need the procedures on October 17, but no such luck because her breathing has not improved.

To celebrate, I went and bought Brooklyn a Bebe pod seat. Actually, I was going to buy one anyway, because she is too small for her high chair and Dr. had said that we could try giving her baby food for the first time. She can have a little bit of food as long as it doesn't take away from the calories she is getting in her bottles. Anyway, she needs the Bebe pod for that and because she can't sit up on her own yet and needs something to help her practice. She LOVES that thing! She just sits in it and plays with her toys and looks around at everyone like, "Hey, check me out, look what a big girl I am!" I'll post pictures later on. It's soooo cute.

I'm going to take Brooklyn after work to get some 6 month pictures done. The girl at the portrait studio said that I could bring more than one outfit. So now I am trying to figure out what outfits to take with us! Brooklyn is FINALLY starting to fit into some 0-3 month clothes (at almost 7 months old), so now she really has some cute outfits to wear. She has been wearing size newborn for about 5 months now, and there just aren't nearly as many adorable clothes in that size. Hardly any dresses or anything like that. So...hooray for 0-3 month clothes, and hooray for my sweet baby bear for growing!

The best sound in the world!

2008-09-29T21:33:00.010-05:00

A cute little video for y'all :). Brooklyn is cracking up while Dave plays with her toy puppy. I absolutely loooooove her laugh, it is so adorable!!! I can't help but laugh with her every time. It's the cutest, sweetest sound I've ever heard!

(Pause the little iPod on the left so you can hear her!)

Brooklyn has this big beautiful crib in her room that she has never gotten to sleep in because of her airway problems. She has to sleep upright, so she sleeps in her carseat in our bedroom. So we lay her in her crib sometimes and play with her so that hopefully it won't be a scary, unfamiliar place when she does finally get to sleep in her own bed.

You can't hear much of her stridor in that video. But here is a clip from just a minute ago, sleeping and sounding the way she typically does. It's weird sometimes how the volume fluctuates. And it's never something where we can say, "Oh, if we lay/sit her in this position, it gets better." It's not predictable at all. The doctors always ask us when the noise gets better and when it gets worse. We can't say...all we can tell them is that it's pretty much always there. Last weekend, my grandparents were here, and I was holding Brooklyn while she slept. Her stridor was really, really loud. Then, without me moving her at all, it just went away for like 5 minutes, and pretty much shocked everyone. Then it came right back. I don't understand it. It just happens sometimes. I wonder if this is significant.

Weight check is this week, pulmonologist visit is next week, as is her pre-op appointment. Her endoscopy and bronchoscopy are the following week.

I bid you farewell, nebulizer!

2008-09-26T18:49:00.004-05:00

As of this week, we no longer have to give Brooklyn nebulizer treatments! Thank God!!! She hated them and therefore we hated them too. It was time for a refill, so we asked Dr. A if she could stop the treatments since they haven't made any difference for her. He consulted Dr. G2, and Dr. G2 said yes since they aren't helping her. I couldn't pack that thing back up in its box fast enough. Yay! Good riddance! No more of this: